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Tech Support, offering nothing but anger
Posted on Monday, November 26 2007 @ 21:42:52 PST

Icepick's log, entry 1


Date: Thursday November 22nd, 2007

Time: 12 pm to 1 pm

Location: Icepicks room, a small 5 foot by 12 foot area, unfit to act as living quarters, but I make due

A mere 5 hours of sleep and I'm ready to begin anew with Mass Effect, a game that has won my heart and restored faith in me for my xbox 360 console, it is not merley a game, but rather poetry in motion. I finished the main story line, and planned on a new play through, on hardcore mode, where I would attempt to finish all of the sidequests, and run down the renegade side of life. My Sheppard was to be the biggest prick in the galaxy, fitting as some may call me the biggest prick on the internet.

I stumble off my couch, still half asleep, the air still thick with the smell of marijuana. My brother comments to me about the smell, and what I was up to last night. He is in the way of the coffee machine, and I politley tell him to lick the underside of my balls. I pour myself a large cup of this caffinated beverage, and drag myself back to my little area to sit back down for Mass Effect.

My new Sheppard pleases me, a direct clone of Kurt Russel from the movie Soldier, I feel confident I can stop the Geth once again, but this time without the aid of that butch racist Ashley. All goes well, I fly through the opening mission, and once again join the elite rankings of the Spectres. Unemployed life is great I think to myself. It is at this moment of bliss I notice odd yellow blotches appearing across my screen. Being the easy going man I am I begin to shout obscenities at the television, in hopes that it will remedy my issue. It appears to stop, all is well again and I continue playing.

Fate it seems however, is a tease. Once again, odd yellow blotches, and once again, yelling curse words seems to fix this issue, until the third time. Alright, step up my defense, sailors words no longer work, so a quick shut down and restart should fix what ails the system.

Oddly enough, the system refused to cooperate. I can here the music in the background, but I have no picture, I try teaming up my original defense and my intuitive restarting technique, but alas the system laughs at me. I can hear the music, this is not fair. No red lights, so not all hope is lost, I move into my 360's flank and jiggle the AV cable. The system maintains its offensive front and refuses to buldge, time to call in the air support.



Icepick's log, entry 2

Date: Thursday November 22nd, 2007

Time: 1pm

Location: Small peice of **** living area once again

Armed with my phone, I mock my 360, for I am assured it is about to taste defeat. Greated by some kind of virtual AI, Max answers me. Max proceeds to list off a bunch of useless information, about how I can enhance my gaming experience by logging onto and join their forums. Max doesn't respond to my cursing. I come to the realization I don't care for Max

After saying xbox 360 a total of 4 times, Max understands, gleefully I cheer out, I'm well on my way to enjoying Mass Effect once more. Max has more useless options, no doubt to test my patience. Eventually I am escorted to hold, awaiting a tech support worker to pick up and aid me in this war.


Icepick's log, entry 3

Date: Thursday November 22nd, 2007

Time: 1:45 pm

Location: Kitchen


All of this waiting has depleted my nutritional reserves, clearly some dry cheerios is what I need while I await my savoir. My brother promptly asks why the 360 wont work, and I promptly inform him that if he values his balls, he will leave me alone, just a few more minutes and I will be passed the enemies sea wall, a near impossible to pass defensive system known as "hold"


Icepick's log, entry 4

Date: Thursday November 22nd, 2007

Time: 2:10 pm

Location: Fecal Recieving area, or bathroom


Last nights activities have taken a turn for the worst in my intestines, and I can not wait on the phone and fight the war on my insides at once, the only option is to carry the phone with me into the bathroom. Mid dump I am greated by John, he asks how he can help me. I begin to explain my situation, my brother, who is testing the 360 on his television, yells through the walls that it wont work, I yell back that he should not disturb me while I'm on the phone, or while I'm expelling fecal matter, and if I should be doing both, dont even imagine the possibility of interupting me. John seems a little put off after hearing that exchange, but he's paid to help fix my system, not judge my multi tasking.

John begins to tell me to turn my console off, and back on again. I tell John that I have an IQ above 4, and that I already attempted that, as well as on anotehr television. I explain to him, short of strapping the console to the ceiling fan, I've done all I can think of. John than asks if I tried a new AV cable. I mention how I never opted for the dual AV cable xbox package, but as buying the premium deal, I would expect such a basic thing as that to have been included. John does not share my sense of humor.

I finish my business in the bathroom, and make my way back to my living quarters. John seems annoyed that I need 12 seconds to walk to my xbox, I explain to him that I was on hold for over half an hour, so he can join my brother in licking the underside of my testicles if he has an issue with waiting.

My new tech support friend points out I should try and use a friends AV cables, unfortunatley my only friend with a 360 recentley had his stolen, and without knowledge of the theifs whereabouts, I can't use said cables. John grows impatient and ridicules me for what he assumes is an admission that I don't have friends. I tell john he can go **** himself and John apologizes. He garuntees me that I can remedy my issue with a new set of AV cables.

Armed with this new information, I phone EB, and they explain in great detail the selection of cables I can choose from. I reluctantly find pants and make my way down there


Icepick's log, entry 5

Date: Thursday November 22nd, 2007

Time: 2:45 pm

Location: EB


Inside the store is gathering of grandparents, trying to figure out what new fangled thing makes the doohickey operate. I push the senoirs aside so I make seek council of an employee. I'm greeted by Dwayne, a man whos acne has acne growing ontop of that. Dwayne was the man who answered my phone call, but he apparently already forgot what we were talking about.

After a few minutes of vocal abuse, Dwayne checks in the back room, and returns with a set of AV cables, and proceeds to inform me I should feel lucky, as it's from their private stock. I tell Dwayne he should feel lucky I'm paying full price for an opened product. Dwayne does not like me.

Upon further inspection, these are not xbox cables, but rather playstation 2 cables. Interested in his guise, I inquire about the set of lies he holds in his hand. He explain that this is what I asked for over the phone, despite not innitially recalling the conversation in the first place. I swallow the urge to strangle him with said cables, and kindly explain why he is in my eyes, the biggest moron I have come across this week. Sandra, the sister of a friend I went to school with interfers, possibly saving Dwayne from filling out workers compensation forms. She checks on her computer, and informs me there are no cables, but she can get them from another EB out of town, and have them by saturday. I thank Sandra and leave, with elderly looking on as if I was lucifer himself.


Icepick's log, entry 6

Date: Saturday November 24th, 2007

Time: 12 pm

Location: EB


Once again I arrive at EB, sure there will be a confrontation with Dwayne as I enter the doors, To my surprise there is no one in but a stout looking man of possible 30's. Despite his flaws, I like him more than Dwayne, he has been informed of my order, and hands me the only cables they could find in the other store. I thank him as he rings up my purchase, and asks what happened. We share a laugh over how tech support is possibly the worst thing to go through. I like this new nameless fellow, up until he asks me if I want to preorder any games due out. I now despise fat guy, however I don't slap him with curse words, as he has shown himself a cut above most.


Icepick's log, entry 7

Date: Saturday November 24th, 2007

Time: 2 pm ish

Location: Peice of **** living area that now has a draft


I tear open the package, also slicing my middle finger in the process. Blood can wait however, I have a 360 to conquer. The taste of space flight, biotic abilities, and lesbian sex with genderless blue aliens is making me foam out the mouth, so close, so close.

I unhook the last set of AV cables, and triumphantly throw them across the room, striking my brother. Upon hooking up the new set, I sit back in my chair and await gaming perfection. WHAT THE F%^* YOU HAVE GOT TO BE F%$^@ KIDDING ME. Same god damn problem,  I furiously phone tech support again, and John better hope to god he does not pick up.

Perhaps screening my call, I am greeted by a foreign man who I can hardly understand. His name flies by the conversation and I can't be bothered to ask for it again. This gentleman is very patient and nice, I decide not all tech support asshats are useless. I explain to him my situation, and after confirming I have turned my console off and than back on, he begins to write up a repair notice. After handing him my credit card info, he begins to explain the fee, Canadians have to pay more, why I'm not positive, as our dollar now trumps the American equivalent. We get into a discussion on economics before I exclaim I could care less and tell him to just ring it up.

If only It was so easy. Edwardo as I named him, explains they recently updated their servers, and as such can not accept my credit card. Edwardo has been kind, so I merley inquire as to why. It is because my name has a number in it, despite there being no issue last time I had to send my console in, this update ruined that. I believe it to be a plot to weed out those of us who are beyond just jr. An uncontrollable spew of cursing emits from my mouth, making tourettes sufferers look like model citizens.

Edwardo explains that this issue will be reolved anywhere between 3 weeks to 2 months, and I come to the realization all tech asshat support jackasses, are infact useless.


Icepick's log, entry 8

Date: Saturday November 24th, 2007

Time: 6:30 pm

Location: Guess


Frustrated, I stare at my 360, I can tell it's taking pleasure in this. I kick my 360, the first step of home repair. Amazingly on start up, it worked, I am a genius I declare, my brother debates my statement, but I don't care, mass effect is mine. All goes well, for another 15 minutes, before the blotching happens again. Words were said, words I can not describe here, as children may read this, and to do so will ruin their lives.

Why in gods name does a $400 peice of machinery refuse to work.


Icepick's log, entry 9

Date: Sunday November 25th, 2007

Time: 4 pm

Location: Livingroom

Once again I await on hold, this time to contact microsoft to cancel my xbox live account, as it is due for renewal in a mere 2 weeks. I do not intend to pay for a service I can not take advantadge of. John answers the phone, ready to jump down his throat I take a deep breath to prepare myself for the verbal diareah I am about to let forth. However I hold back, this is a different John. A happy sounding John, and I am about to make him lose his smile.

30 minutes after the conversation began, John reluctantly agrees to cancel my account, apparently when it's not involving your money, someone else is all to happy to keep the service going despite the lack of activity.

John suggests that I should check into the warranty, A smart idea the other two didn't figure to do. My warranty for hardware failure expires in January, and I feel the warmth of excitement and justic embrace me. John than asks if I was getting the red rings of death. Well no I begin to explain, it's the, John cuts me off. If theres no red rings, there can be no hardware failure. While that's a brilliant warning system they have, it's certainly not Mass Effect that is causing this, as it refuses to work for any of my games. John proceeds to describe hwo sorry he is for y situation, and I proceed to tell John to grab the other John and get ready to lick my balls.


Long story short I'm getting a god damn Wii

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