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Tales From The Back Of The Box 1
Posted on Monday, October 13 2008 @ 08:48:35 Eastern

You're in a game store, browsing around through the new titles to find a game that takes your fancy. You walk around for a while, eyes scanning the shelves until finally you lock onto a game that looks cool. Perhaps you already know about this game, though it's likely that it just has kickass box art. Possibly with breasts somewhere on it.

So you pick up the case and what's the first thing you do? Flip it. Yup, we all (those of us who would be considered at least partially sane anyway) do it, right away we flip the case and check out the back. Why? It's simple my dear friend, for information about the game. Unless you walk into a game store and know exactly what game you're getting, you'll inevitably find yourself engaging the flipping maneuver at some point during your shopping experience.

Don't worry dear reader, there is in fact a point to this. It's a simple one too. 'Lies and Half-Truths that can be found on the back cover of most games.' You see, when you flip that game over, you're effectively placing your trust in the games marketing team to tell you the truth, to inform you as to what the game is like. Poor sap, you don't stand a chance. Now while most of what you'll read on the box is at least mostly true, some is just downright ****ing made up. So without adieu, let me present part 1 of this planned series.

NINJA GAIDEN 2

"The fine line between honor and vengeance will be crossed by one."

Excuse me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Nothing in the game relates to this quote at all, nothing. In fact, the games plot is thinner than a sheet of shitty toilet paper anyway, so it's possible that something relating to this was supposed to be included in the game, but everyone forgot because no-one gave a ****.

"Destroy everything in your path as you embark on a blah blah blah."

You can break your enemies, some barrels and other stuff like tables and chairs sure, but you'll encounter a lot of things in the game that cannot be destroyed. Take doors for example, tiny wooden doors that your big-****-off scythe cannot slice through, despite them being made of wood as most wooden doors are. Therefore, this is a lie. You cannot destroy everything. See how they convince us to buy the games? Some poor kid is still at home, hacking away at a wall, waiting for it to break. The Bastards.

"You shall leave a wake of death in the name of honor."

Really? I thought the entire point of the game was to kill absolutely everything you possibly could, because it looks cool. Again, a plot would have perhaps aided this little quote in having a point.

"Killer gaming"

I'm still sure as **** alive. While it is true that playing the game on the hardest difficulty will cause your Xbox to grow a penis and have sex with your eyeballs, I'm fairly certain that the game has not killed anyone yet.

"This is the very best in breathtaking, realistic visuals, responsive control and thrilling combat."

Where do I even start with this one...? Ok, let's go. No, at no point during my playing through the game did it cause me to lose my breath. That generally happens when you breathe anyway, so in this the marketing team has cheated. Unless you're dead, in which case you're enjoyment of the game will be rather... stunted, you're going to regularly have your breath taken away, only to have it restored right quick.

The visuals are high quality, no doubt. Realistic? They are in my arse. The next time you see someone swing a sword and a giant ****ing purple trail is left behind it, tell me. Next time you see someone using fire-magic to kill a were-wolf, tell me. Next time you slice someones arm off, only for blood to splatter everywhere within a seven level radius, tell me.

Responsive control... meh, the controls are fairly responsive, but don't allow you to perform moves as quickly as a real ninja could. Therefore: Bullshit.

Thrilling combat? I'm pretty relaxed in almost everything. While I know people who jump around at the slightest bit of plot exposition in a movie, I'll just sit back and watch it. Same when I'm gaming. I don't get so caught up in a game that I reenact it, moving around the room like a rabbit on steroids. Anyone who does isn't a human, therefore: Bullshit.

"Ideal for casual players"

Find a non-gamer. Give them Ninja Gaiden 2. See how long they play before losing their minds and huddling in a corner rocking back and forth, listening to Emo songs and crying. Not very long at all I would imagine. Ninja Gaiden 2 is not a game for casual gamers, the whole point of it is that it's difficult. Very difficult. BULL. SHIT.

"Agile, Acrobatic and Deadly - Experience an all new combat system requiring skill and mastery of a full arsenal of weapons and moves"

Now, when it comes to fighting, I'm no pushover. I can hold my own fairly well. But am I a master of a full arsenal of weapons and moves? No. Yes, but that's not the point. I would have thought the motion capture guy would need to be, but me? To just play the game? Fuck off, that's not fair. And how the hell do I experience the combat system? Unless there's a cheat to make the enemies pop out of your screen and beat the living **** out of you, I can't much see how I could experience it.

"WARNING: Read instruction manual for information about photosensitive seizures and other important safety and health information."

Just plain silly this one, it's not a warning, it's an instruction. Honestly, these people haven't a clue have they?
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