At a Loss
Posted on Tuesday, July 28 2009 @ 13:10:42 PST
I have no right to complain about life, since I have lead a decent one compared to most, but I am just at such a loss as to what I even want to do with myself right now.
Ive been attempting for a year to get into teaching full time, and so far it's been met with nothing but dissapointment because New York State, thanks to the "esteemed" Mayor Bloomburg, that ****ing ****, decided to impose a state wide freeze for hiring teachers. What's funny is that I can't apply for my own licence, even though I have certification, because of this freeze, meaning I can not even apply for a job anywhere in New York.
So I am stuck being a substitute para-professional for the city, meaning I get called at 6 AM unannounced to work for kids who are emotionally disturbed, abuse you on a daily basis physically and mentally, grow tired with each passing day in working with the kids, and grow more and more fustrated because no matter how much I try to build a relationship with them, they will never respect me enough just because I am an adult and a substitute.
It's sad, really. The whole reason I got into teaching is because I wanted to help kids. Now, they don't want the help back when I try to.
Couple that with a bullshit job at Gamestop that I really don't like, graduate school burning money left and right just to get myself into better position to be a college teacher, and lack of caring of my subject of interest because of the fact that it's killing any semblence of what teaching and objectivity really is, (namely, the professors in grad school, here at the illustrius College of Staten Island, are so full of themselves I want to smack them in the face to knock off the pompus bullshit act they preform all the ****ing time.) I don't even feel motivated to finish a 15 page research paper on Ethnic issues in the Congo anymore, despite reading ten books in a month and pretty much sacrificing my entire summer to do so.
What is the point of continuing if i am going nowhere still? I keep going on as long as I can because I am hopeful something will happen in the long run, something good will come up and I get a permanent job somewhere. I am hopeful that these graduate classes will get better, and that, despite how easy it is to cram and write out 7 pages a day on a subject, doing it slowly is how to get an A over a B in these type of classes. But with so much **** going on in the background, it's difficult to focus.
Of course this is all temporary in the end. Like I said, I have no right to complaign how shitty my own life is, because these problems are pretty banal when compared to others I know. But that is life for you. Struggles are a part of it, and i'll be damned if I can't vent every now or then. Id just go crazy if I couldn't.