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FEATURED VOXPOP ryanbates
Gamer Love
By ryanbates
Posted on 12/19/14
When a player one meets his or her player two, it's a beautiful thing. Check out this cake my friend and GameRevolution reader Lindsey L. gave her sweetums on their two-year anniversary!   ...

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Longo_2_guns Longo_2_guns' Blog
PROFILE
Twist and Shout
Posted on Tuesday, March 11 2008 @ 02:38:25 Eastern

It is all my brother's fault. For Christmas this year, he gave me a $50 gift card to GameStop and promised an additional $20 cash if I could find a certain diamond of a game. You see, twelve years ago when he was in college he and his frat brothers would all gather around their Playstation to play the greatest two person game ever.
I am of course talking about Twisted Metal 2.

When he told me that he would pay me to get it, I was excited. I had only played Twisted Metal once before in my entire life. When I was in 4th grade the guy I considered to be my best friend moved away, and since our families were so close we threw them a big going away party. My friend brought Twisted Metal 2 to play, and it was unforgettable. I remember the thrill of blowing up the Statue of Liberty to reveal a bikini, and knocking down the Eiffel Tower. I had tried to rent it afterwards, but my mother somehow got it into her head that the game had an "M" rating and the chances of me getting it flew out the window. Luckily, I had Vigilante 8 to numb the pain, but it wasn't enough. So I told my brother I would try to get a copy as best as I could.

It turns out luck was on my side; the Playstation store had the PS3/PSP compatible game available for download. I downloaded the game, eager to play it and try to beat it. The experience was outstanding. Even though the game was twelve years old, it had aged like wine. I quickly got accustomed to the feel of the game, and within a few hours I was able to beat the game with Warthog. I had no idea that the game actually had a point to it besides blowing **** up, so I was shocked to find out what the people get when they win. One free wish, anything they desired. But when the hundred year-old man asked for a body of a twenty year old, I didn't expect that only his body would change and his head would stay the same.

That's when I realized something: Calypso is the greatest villain ever. He gets people to kill each other, driven by their desire and their greed, and then tricks the winner by taking their words as literal as possible when they are vague, punishing them for being shallow and taking advantage of them when they are noble. So in the end everyone loses, and he wins.
But soon I had become bored of Twisted Metal 2. After searching the Playstation store a bit more, I found something that caught my interest. Twisted Metal: Head On for the PSP. I got it and started playing immediately. The feel was the same, but it lacked the same oomph that 2 has.

But after beating the game with all the characters, there is nothing left to say. All that is left are a few simple words, "My name is Calypso, and I thank you for playing Twisted Metal."

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The inverse theory of the FPS
Posted on Thursday, February 7 2008 @ 01:36:17 Eastern

Through many years of study I have managed to develop a mathmatical equation that most if not all people could have developed themselves had they been paying attention. But I have closely been observing different FPS games and found what I believed to simply be a similarity in all of them. I soon realized that they all fit into the following equation:

Qsp~Qmp-1

What this means, for everyone who doesn't speak math, is that the quality of the single player experience is approximatly inverse to the quality of the multiplayer experience. Now I'm sure you think this is all crazy voodoo magic and that I am spewing it out of my sphincter, but I assure you that this is fairly accurate based upon estimations and the spinner wheel from Life. Lets use Halo 3 as an example. It has a strong multiplayer but a weak multiplayer.

Well, really that's nothing. But let us take a look down the Halo line. As the single player experience got worse, the multiplayer got better. Halo 3 felt like it was written by fan fic writers and had a good multiplayer while the original Halo had a good single player and bad multiplayer, due to it lacking multiplayer. Now some people will argue that since the PC version had online that my statement is null and void, but due to PC shooters like Half Life the standards are much higher on PC and Halo doesn't live up.

But now let us look on the other end of the spectrum. Games like Bioshock that are fantasic first person shooter games without multiplayer. That can also be solved by my theory. The inverse of zero is undefined. So therefor there is an undefinable singleplayer experience in these games.

Finally, let us note the theory part. This is a theory for two reasons. One, because there are games that just flat out suck and therefor do not count, and two, because I have inconclusive evidence, ie I haven't played every game.

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My problem with reviews.
Posted on Friday, November 30 2007 @ 00:20:10 Eastern

Everything has quality. Be it a book, a movie, a car, a game, whatever. It has a certain amount of quality. A quantity of quality, if you will.
Joke time is over.
The problem is that it is hard to really show the quantity of quality. Is this thing going to be outstanding or a piece of crap. And since the people who made it want it to be sold, they will do everything that they can to make sure that you buy it, even if it is The Crow: City of Angels. So how the hell can you determine what is actually good an what is bad.

This is the purpose of reviewers. They guide us into the golden light of greatness and steer us away from the black abyss that is the terrible, but sometimes let us meander into the moat of molten mediocre. And we, the populace, hang off of every word that comes out of their mouths. We hear what they say, and obviously it must be true. See, but then we hit a snag. The review is based entirely off of the reviewers opinion.

You heard me right fanboys, OPINION! People have them. And sometimes, *gasp*, they may actually be different from yours! But that is a completely different issue.

The problem with basing reviews off of opinions is simple. Not everyone shares the same opinion. Because of this, I can no longer go to one source for all my game reviews. Now I have to go to GameRankings or MetaCritic where they put all of the review scores into a giant trash compactor and smash it into a nice cube, like a car. See, but you can't drive the car after you compact it. The same applies for the reviews. There is no "It has this score because the majority of the reviewers thought there was too much gay porn." But the problem doesn't stop there. Since it is one person who does the review for each group, that person comes to represent the entire company that they work for, not just themselves. But us, the populace, begin to believe that the entire review company is biased or off their rockers.

Now their is an easy solution to this. More places could do what EGM and GameInformer do. Have a second or third person offer a second opinion. That way if we, the populace, do not agree with one person's opinions, they might agree with number 2's opinions. And if number one and number two both agree then that might be a more general consensus. There is one major problem with this, and that is manpower. Not all places can afford to have two or more people review something. This is the plus of the member reviews here. But it often gets abused by people who create waste like, "This game is the worst game ever. Those who play it should be burned at the stake or castrated. Or they should be Disemboweld or given the chair or hung or raped or deficated on or beheaded or some other cruel punishment for supporting this waste of a game." That is just sad...

My second solution is a little more difficult. Reviewers do not grade what they are reviewing. Instead they just describe what they are reviewing and put as little opinion in it as possible. Put a list of pluses and minuses and let the reader interpret it. But then what is the point? Why write a review unless you can write your opinion.

Now I'm not saying that reviews are bad. I just think that they need to be work. Of course, I also think that we need to build a laser on the moon to destroy enemies from space... you can't escape the moon...
But anyway reviews. Good, need to better. I.. gotta go... Some guys in black suits are at my door about some plans I sent to Bill Clinton.

[ 3 Comments ]        [ Post a Comment ]
An Extremely Rare Offer
Posted on Tuesday, October 23 2007 @ 01:56:36 Eastern

So apparently people believe that my Halo 3 review was very well done. So because of this, I will allow everyone to give me suggestions for a new game review. It doesn't matter what game it is, and it doesn't matter if I have actually played it or no...   read more...

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Harry Potter MMORPG
Posted on Sunday, July 29 2007 @ 18:39:45 Eastern

When you begin, you will determine your wand to determine what you plan on specializing in from transfiguration, curses, charms, and jinxes. You start out as a student at a giant virtual Hogwarts. You attend actual classes with o...   read more...

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It is time to come clean.
Posted on Tuesday, July 3 2007 @ 14:07:51 Eastern

In my last blog post I stated that Shaft sodomizes goats. I would like to state now that that is not true whatsoever. I would like to apologize to Shaft for stating these previous comments, and now claim that the only thing he sodomizes is hot chicks...   read more...

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Shaft sodomizes goats
Posted on Saturday, June 30 2007 @ 02:39:51 Eastern

He told me that he did. I was talking to him and he said that he takes goats and sodomizes them... IN THE ASS! And then he demonstrated on himself by taking his "happy spot" and putting it in his ass. And then... he shot me in the leg and r...   read more...

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HELLFIRE WINS IT ALL!!!!!
Posted on Sunday, June 17 2007 @ 02:49:55 Eastern

The first sign of reformation and change has been shown in the forums. What is that, you might ask. Today a poster managed to get the last post in before a Mod. It is a glorious day for all GRians. Maybe the Flying Spaghetti Monster will come down an...   read more...

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JCD needs to be shot...
Posted on Thursday, May 31 2007 @ 18:44:16 Eastern

while he is at a toll booth in his car. He also needs to be shot in an airport by someone. You broke my heart, JCD, you broke my heart. I\'m making you an offer you can\'t refuse. I am your father. Say hello to my little friend. Beam me up.
read more...

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Check The Rhyme
Posted on Thursday, May 24 2007 @ 00:53:51 Eastern

Check The Rhime by A Tribe Called Quest album: The Low End Theory (1991)


[Q] Back in the days on the boulevard of Linden
We used to kick routines and presence was fittin
It was I, The Abstract
[P] And me the five foote...   read more...

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