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How NOT To Be a Jerk on Rock Band Online
Posted on Sunday, April 6 2008 @ 01:11:06 Eastern

To all current and future pricks who continue to select "Player Match" in Rock Band:

- Do not disconnect just because you're doing poorly and especially if the song is a minute away from ending. You don't like death drians, and neither do your bandmates. Be warned: Rock Band III will have a 'SLAY' button.

- Do not play on a difficulty you can't handle. Just because you have two more chances to fail while in a band, it doesn't mean your bandmates want you to take that for granted. The last thing I want to do is save your sorry ass when you fail once, twice... and then game over. Unless you're in a band that is playing on Expert difficulty and is anal about earning golden stars, there's no crime in playing at a level you're comfortable with. (Now, if you're failing on Easy, then why are you playing online in the first place? Do you really want to be kicked? Are you a bottom?)

- Do not hold the left or right trigger button down while singing unless the other bandmates are obviously not okay with hearing you blurt your American Idol-reject voice in Dolby Surround Sound. Even if you sing like Barbara Streisand (well, then please don't), know that there's usually lag online, so whatever you scream at one beat will actually be heard by your bandmates some beats later. Not your fault, of course, but why put your bandmates off-rhythm unintentionally? You've got the mic. Be nice. Ask first.

- Do not be a guitar hog. Be fair. Alternate between guitar and bass with the other guitarist. We all know that the bass is simply the poor man's guitar in Rock Band. No x6 multiplier will ever compensate for a lack of solos and chords and fame and hot fans and exclusive suites and wet... I'm getting ahead of myself. But that's even more reason not to stick the bass onto somebody else unless that person is clearly a bassist or wants to give the other (probably more skilled) guitarist, well, guitar.

- Do not intentionally lower your life meter before the song begins. There's nothing wrong with widdling your life away after the song is done, since there's no repercussion for it and well, who cares? But don't be so brash as to lower your life meter - and thereby everybody else's - at the start of the song, even if you're the best guitarist in the world. Pulling off a stunt like that and then failing on your ass is flat-out embarassing - and I've seen that happen more than a few times. Besides, there are better ways to show your guitar prowess, like nailing the solo in Working Man or Blackened or being pissed off that you only got 98%. Yeah, I know, 98% reeks!

- Finally, do not assemble an online band, only to wait for a player and then proceed to describe the size of that player's dick, analyze the level of that player's homo-tude, and prove your ability to wail, cluck, and spit into an electronic device - and then kick that player out with your oversized idiocy. Not even monkeys do that. You know who you pissants are.

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