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Pokemon: Rated AO
Posted on Tuesday, July 24 2007 @ 04:54:10 Eastern

Many parents these days are very concerned for the well being of their children. They protect their kids from violent or sexual material on TV, only buy and rent games that are suitable for their kids age group, and wouldn't think twice to make sure a game is okay for their kids.

In many places in America, and in fact all across the rest of the world, there is a parent buying a game for their kids. What game, it varies, but many still are buying one of the latest versions of a heralded series of roleplaying games. Looking at the box, the game looks perfectly harmless. It has an E for Everyone rating from the ESRB, has fun art, and cool creatures that their kids will love. They have no idea what they're getting into, however. They are buying what is possibly the worst game for a child to play.

This game is Pokémon.

"What could be so harmful about Pokémon," you ask, "it is a harmless RPG?" No, my anonymous friend, Pokémon is much worse than any of you may have ever realized.

Let's begin, shall we? We'll be using the Red, Blue, and Yellow versions (or FireRed and LeafGreen, for those who prefer the updated remakes) for this little report of mine.

To start, Pokémon is one of the most subliminally violent games you'll ever play. You scour the land in search of animals, force them into slavery and make them do your bidding, even pitting them against their own kind to fight.

Next up, we have the Game Corner. I don't know about other countries, but here in the USA, gambling is illegal for anyone under the age of 18 (21 if there is alcohol being served). But here is this ten-year-old boy or girl, simply walking into the Game Corner, and starts playing at the slots. That's gambling, last time I checked. The only thing Nintendo ever did to try and censor this was in FireRed and LeafGreen, where all of the trainers in Red, Blue, and Yellow that were called Gamblers (memorable quote: "I'm a rambling, gambling dude!"), were re-named. They are now Gamers. They don't gamble, no, they game (memorably censorship: I'm a rambling, gaming dude!"). Despite this change, gambling is highly encouraged to the youth of today's world.

That's nothing, though. It can't possibly prepare you for what I am about to unveil.

Pokémon is filled to the brim with hidden sexual references. Seriously. This is the general Pokémon formula in a nutshell (remember, Pokémon is short for Pocket Monster. keep that in mind):

"Oh boy, an old man let me hold his pocket monster! I'm so excited! Oh wow, a Pokédex! I'm gonna travel the whole region on an adventure to handle every new animal I see!
Uh-oh, my rival has challenged me to a battle! We're gonna see who has the bigger pocket monsters! Hooray, I won, I was too hard for him!
Now I get to continue flinging my balls at the wildlife! Who knew it could be so easy?
Oh no, an evil gang! But that's okay. It doesn't make a bit of difference. Their balls are inert.
Woo, I saved a big corporation, the owner gave me his prized balls!
Now I'm the champion! I handled every pocket monster, and defeated my hard rival once again!"

The End.

So what I'm getting at? But wait, there's more. Take a big look at some of those Pokédex entries you've been working so hard on. Look reeeal closely. Let's look at the Fire-type starter from the Game Boy Advance generation, Torchic.

Its evolved forms, Combusken and Blaziken, are dual fire and fighting type. Keep the fighting type in mind. Combusken and Blaziken are short for Combusting or Blazing Chicken. Not Chicken. A fighting type Chicken. Yes, you're thinking correctly. Nintendo supports **** fights. Pretty violent, huh? While we're at it, take a look at Combusken. Its wrong just looking at it.

To make matters worse, here's a picture of Cloyster, the evolved form of Shellder. This pokémon has been poisoning the minds of our youth since its original release with the other one-hundred and fifty pokemon in the Red, Blue, and Yellow generation. Mind poison is probably the cause for my noticing everything I've written about in this blog.

I am not finished yet. Another thing nobody has ever noticed, also from the original pokémon games, is on the old S.S. Anne. On this ship are many trainers who will challenge you to battle while you walk the decks in search of the Captains 'hidden move' (gross in and of itself). Several of them are sailors. Most of those sailors are actually (as far as I know) innocent, all except for one. This specific sailor is on the lowest deck of the ship. This sailor's greeting before he battles you. This is the exact course of events from the game

Sailor notices you. "! " *walks up to you* "I like feisty kids like you!" *cue battle*

Nothing was done in the FireRed and LeafGreen remakes to correct this. It is as much still there as the infamous truck (seriously, go look, the truck is really there. Doesn't do anything, but it's still there).

That... pretty much covers it. Pokémon is the worst game you can possibly buy for your kids. This beats Grand Theft Auto's Hot Coffee by lightyears.

But remember, a lightyear isn't time... it measures distance.

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