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TV shows described in 200 words or less
Posted on Sunday, May 3 2009 @ 14:26:26 Eastern

Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives follows the lives of two babes, two wives and one conniving b**** after the suicide of their friend. The first season follows their stories as they come to terms with said friend's death and try to force through the mystery surrounding it. Mary (that's the dead friend's name by the way) spends her time in the afterlife watching the trials and tribulations of her still living neighbours and re-iterating them for the benefit of the viewer. In fact, despite being dead, she's narrated every single episode in this five season long television show, apart from two. Considering that the reason for her narration was to remind you about the main drive in the first season (to comprehend her suicide) and that quest was completed by the end of the first season, it's damn impressive she's still incessantly commenting on events you've just witnessed for yourself. The best thing about Desperate Housewives is Eva Longoria because she is the best thing about everything, even stuff she has nothing to do with.

Sex and the City

Sex and the City is about the unrealistic lifestyles of one mutton dressed as lamb, one ginge, one diamond (you know, in the rough), and one horse. The horse has managed to get a job for a newspaper or magazine or something and cranks out a half arsed article based on whatever happens to be going on in her uneventful life every month or so. I guess the hooves slow down the typing progress or something. Mutton spends half her time naked and she's not bad for an older girl but she is quite reprehensible. If you're in a place where you need to hate women just listen to her b**** for five minutes. The diamond reminds you of why women are awesome so ignore her if you're the aforementioned bitter lemon and the ginge... erm, I don't know actually. She must do something but she's not really significant enough to sacrifice brain space to. Oh, I think she fancies the diamond.

Lost

Plane crashes, Jack = hero, Kate = babe, Sawyer = arsehole, polar bears, black smoke monster thingy, time travel, hatches, numbers, pregnant death, Dharma Initiative, confusion. That's a small snippet of the stuff I picked up from the wonderfully helpful Nicki and none of it makes a lick of sense. Lost begins with a group of people who are seemingly strangers crashing on an island. All is about as well as can be with a group of handsome and beautiful people (and one fat guy) stranded on an island until they find and kill a polar bear... wait what? Then things get weird(er). Numbers are involved a lot and there's a bit of time travel. Also, pregnant women die but only if they get pregnant on the island and stay on the island because there's a Korean chick who cheats death by escaping. Add in the usual love triangles, betrayal and trickery and you get quite a standard show. Oh and the science experiments, can't forget them... makes perfect sense.

The Ghost Whisperer

The Ghost Whisperer follows Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts, and therefore Jennifer Love Hewitt herself, who spends her time communicating with ghosts whom only she can see thanks to her inherited ability to view the non-existent.* Each show features a different tortured spirit and the same boob fixated camera man (I'm not complaining, like) and it falls to Jenny to satisfy the spirit to allow them to move on to wherever the hell happy ghosts go. This noble cause is less selfless when you consider that Boobs... I mean Jennifer, is harassed by meandering spirits and needs to get rid of them to have a moment's peace.

* Views held within are those of only the writer and do not reflect any opinion that may or may not be held by any other human and/or animal on the planet. No view, perspective, bias or opinion held or otherwise is intended to offend, upset or destabilise the beliefs of anyone.

Heroes

Save the cheerleader, save the world. Heroes is all about ordinary people discovering they can do extraordinary things. We have a guy who can fly but ignores it because he's running for election, a hotty with an unusually energetic split personality, a time travelling Japanese geek and of course the indestructible Hayden Panattiere around whom the first season centres. From the start you know something bad is going to happen but you don't know why. Is it the mysterious Sylar? Where does the man with the horn rimmed glasses come into it? (And also, what the hell is his name so we don't have to type that long winded description every time? I suppose we could call him Horny though). Mysteries and crappy yet stylised effects abound, the first season is something to enjoy. Shame the writer's strike ****ed up the second, even worse that UK TV sucks so much I haven't gotten round to watching the third season, got to try and fix that some time soon.

24

24 follows the daily life of Jack Bauer. Far from the boring affair you'd expect from shadowing a person for a day (like every season of Big Brother ever) it mainly focuses on explosions, bullets and traitorous politicians. The first two generally arise thanks to the plots of terrorists which are generally hatched thanks to the last one. Jack spends his time torturing officials for information, giving his word to all and sundry and, in one season, jacking up with heroin. Often, the season starts with a very simple (but big) problem and about half way through it is discovered that something far bigger and more sinister has been at work all the time. Most of the women are beautiful in the way that makes you wonder why you don't live near more of them (just look at Elisha Cuthbert and Reiko Aylesworth) and it's surprising just how many people Jack has pissed off during his career. Maybe he broke his word? Anyway, watch it just to see how long he can go without taking a leak, I don't even think they have toilets in the 24 universe.

Friends

Friends stars six... friends. We have the funny one, the sexy one, the neurotic one (who also happens to be pretty fit), the weird one, the slutty one and the clever one. I won't bother naming names because let's face it, you know them. The clever one fancies the sexy one and the funny one eventually marries the neurotic one. The slutty one never settles down but I think he's happy with the stream of beautiful women he beds. The weird one finds her slightly more normal half who could have been in the original six to be honest, he's pretty funny. Every episode follows a standalone story but the overall plot progresses with each episode. Will the clever one and sexy one get it on? Ooh, yeah, no... were they on a break? The neurotic one spends almost every episode freaking out over something and the funny one spends much of his time calming her down and cracking stupid jokes. Give him a break though, his dad's a cross dresser. All in all pretty damn new and groundbreaking.
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