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We’ve all planned what we would do during a zombie apocalypse. If you’re anything like my mates when drunk you’ve decided on several contingencies to ensure you will know what to do at the various stages of the typical apocalypse. If you haven’t done this you should have. But it’s ok, it’s easy to think of what to do during a zombie apocalypse but I bet there are quite a few people who haven’t considered what not to do and this is where I shall begin.

Try to keep the bitten alive

Are you a ****ing idiot? A bad case of the undeadsies is passed on THROUGH BITES. If you’ve been bitten you will die. Just a graze? I don’t care, it’ll kill you, you’ll come back and you’ll try to kill me. Zombie apocalypses are no place for Mother Theresa try hards: anyone who is injured by a zombie is fodder. Trying to keep someone alive is an exercise in futility so you may as well strap on a pair and come to terms with it now.

Run in to save your significant other/potential significant other

I know, after the first piece of advice you were thinking I’m a heartless piece of **** and after this second title you’d think that would be cemented as permanently as the Hollywood stars but you’d be wrong. I’m not advising you to leave that hottie you saw at the bar to be eaten by the marauding undead, I’m advising you to not rush the **** in and end up getting your throat ripped out thereby landing her in even deeper ****. All too often the protagonist of the tale rushes in with nary a plan in his head only to fail or make his job a whole lot harder and you don’t want that for yourself, do you? After all, the only reason the suicidal dipshit survived his cack handed plan was because he’s the star in a movie and... well, not being rude but you’re not, are you? My point is to plan your rescue; acknowledge that your significant other is an autonomous being and, if they survive the initial outbreak, should be capable of surviving for a day or two without your presence, so go in with your eyes open. And if s/he doesn’t know what to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse you better pull your finger out and start explaining to them quick smart, buddy.

Get to/stay in population centres

I suppose when you’re talking about the typical disaster; hurricanes, earthquakes, Leatherface, heading to a population centre would be a good idea, strength in numbers and all that. But unless hurricanes blow harder because there are more people around you’re going to have to adjust your game. Zombies are a whole different breed and require people to propagate. Malls, cities, pubs are all going to be full of potential undead so the best idea would be to become a hermit. Do the Cillian Murphy in 28 Days Later, or be like this guy, either way get the **** away from most people. Assuming that you, the reader, understand zombies to even the tiniest degree this would be fairly obvious to you. A hidden advantage, though, would be that humans are retards. Not all of them of course, I’m sure that anyone choosing to read this wouldn’t be because they’re choosing to prepare themselves for the coming apocalypse. Then we have scientists and so on who indulge in the finer intellectual pursuits available to them. However, in any given population you’ll have a fair amount of Big Brother viewers and perhaps (zombie Jesus forbid) even a couple of contestants. By avoiding places where large amounts of people congregate you avoid these less than stellar beings and raise the collective IQ of your small, possibly hand-picked group by several tens. Sounds good.

Run for the guns

Yeah, this list was shakey from the start and now you’re being told to not get a gun. Well that’s not exactly what I’m saying. Guns are great... in a manner of speaking, but they have a fundamental flaw: they need ammo. When you’re facing off against dozens, possibly hundreds of groaning shufflers do you really want to hear that hollow ‘click’ and not have anything as back up? So yeah, if you’ve got a gun grab that bastard like Charlton Heston but spare a thought for the humble butcher’s knife or baseball bat or golf club or pool cue or...