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FEATURED VOXPOP LinksOcarina Disclaimer: I posted this piece back in March of 2013, as an investigative piece on the now defunct website Blistered Thumbs. While the information may be old, the reason for the repost is due to the fact that I don't want the story to be lost in the ether of the internet. I am re-editing the...

The 2009 GR Awards

Posted on Friday, January 8 @ 11:26:54 Eastern by

THE 5 WORST GAMES OF 2009


#5 Final Fantasy: Dissidia – Otherwise known as Final Fantasy: Fan Service, Dissidia is an unfortunate disease that causes Final Fantasy fanboys to hallucinate about flying through the air while carrying a sword four times his size and thinking that hitting other fanboys who have the same hallucinations via the PSP is actually cool and acceptable.

We suggest buying a buster sword made of actual metal and fooling them into thinking that it’s a gift... before hitting them over the head with the flat side of the blade. Repeatedly if necessary. It’s the only way.


Full review.


#4 Fairytale Fights – Once upon a time there was an ugly game-ling / It looked like a cartoon, but it was sad and boring / Its controls were slippery, its bosses were cheap. / Blood was everywhere, in puddles and heaps

But it knew that one day, a fairy godmother would come / And he would turn into a game-swan, so lovely and handsome / One week passed by and the fairy godmother came / Looked once at the game-ling and said, “You’re just fat, ugly, and lame!”

Full review.


#3 TMNT: Smash Up – I believe TMNT: Smash-Up was produced by no other than The Shredder himself. We have circumstantial evidence that he gathered his Foot soldiers and said to them, “You are here because the outside world rejects you. This is your family. I am your father. There is a new enemy: freaks of nature who interfere with our business. Together we will punish these creatures. These… turtles.” Déjà vu? You have no idea.

Full review.


#2 JU-ON: The Grudge – Hmm... what do you say after playing a game where you walk with the speed of a broken Roomba through pitch-dark warehouses, find batteries just to extend your life bar, and get berated by the game for completing a level? What do you think, Chris? Uh, Chris?

(...he’s not saying a fucking word... just staring into his monitor... hugging himself... shivering... holding a Prinny...)

Full review.


#1 Limbo of the Lost – Wait, Nick, doesn't this feel strange? Like you've seen this somewhere before? I can't put my finger on... yeah... yeah, this... this was the Worst Game in 2008!!!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??!!!

True story: So there I was, in the back room with Blake and Duke, discussing what the worst game of 2009 should be. Duke suggested Limbo of the Lost, saying it was a double fail because it plagiarized. I nodded. Blake nodded too, adding it to his worst gaming moments of 2009.

Lo' and behold, come Friday, I'm editing this feature (as I'm writing this blurb) and I realize the truth, our collective tragedy.

Limbo of the Lost - the evil incarnate of plagiarism - has made us kind of plagiarize ourselves. It actually made us double fail, too.

Yeah... it's THAT bad.

Full review.
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