Introducing the GameRevolution WiiPlayBox

Posted on Friday, October 14 @ 13:28:19 Eastern by Anthony Severino

The next generation is almost here. The Wii U is already announced, and the Xbox 720 and PS4 are quietly being worked on in secret R&D facilities across the globe. Meanwhile, GameRevolution has been watching, waiting to preemptively strike at the precise moment.

Behold the GameRevolution WiiPlayBox! Embarrassing? Well, you made it. We took all of the feedback (good, bad, and extra bad) from the GameRevolution readers and came up with this.

The GameRevolution WiiPlayBox is not only built like a tank for extra reliability, but it is a tank. It has built-in Kinect motion controls, a warp-speed Blu-ray drive (slot-loaded—no disc trays here, folks), Bluetooth 3.0, Wi-Fi, a 10 Terabyte cloud-based network drive, a whisper-quiet Briggs and Stratton 4-cycle gas-powered Cell Block 4 processor, and 32GB of Mighty Morphin' P-RAM.

Out of the box the WiiPlayBox will have backwards compatibility with every console... ever. It will even have forwards compatibility with all future game consoles. Although the WiiPlayBox is completely hack-proof, we've added easy-to-use developer tools in the even easier-to-use operating system. That way, users can create any games, homebrew, or apps their very heart desires.

The WiiPlayBox controller is more than just a controller with keyboard and mouse attachments. Thanks to a new technology called "Transfarring", all WiiPlayBox games can be streamed directly to the controller over a 4G network. We couldn't figure out a way to create a body-sized rumble pack, so the controller will tase the shit out of you with 500K volts of electricity and 6000 joules of power to simulate in-game effects.

Also releasing alongside the WiiPlayBox, will be the WiiPlayBox Network. Our network security is operated by members of Anonymous and LulzSec, and our Chief Security Officer is GeoHot himself. Since we've employed all of the world's most notorious hackers, there is no risk of intrusion. And if there ever was an intrusion, the repercussions will destroy you and the world with it. Oh, and did we mention that online play is completely free? We'll hold our press release to allow time for applause.

Okay... enough applause.

All games will be available digitally the same day as retail releases, albeit at a significantly cheaper discounted price. All purchases come with a license that grants you ownership across any other platform, although you won't need another platform ever again. It also grants your entire family tree and lineage of offspring ownership over this same license. Games are printed on Quadruple-layer Blu-ray BDXL discs, allowing for more storage than most hard drives. Best of all, all games are stamped with Nintendo's official seal of approval just because. Note: No Crash Bandicoot games are allowed on our console.

The GameRevolution WiiPlayBox will be released starting on November 16th, 2015 for $299.99 for the standard model. A luxury "chrome" model will be priced at $999.99 and includes the following:

Free handies from a beautiful lady friend
Console-dustbusting midget with a Scottish accent
Percocet dispenser
Scent-unit that brings your nose closer to the action than ever before
Full maracas, hamburger, and energy drink controller support
Polished chrome finish with chrome rims and chrome web-browser

Pre-orders will be available for all terrorities except for Belgium, and will begin on February 29th, 2012 and only for that day. And for all terrorities except for Belgium. Otherwise, you won't be able to purchase one until the following leap year.

Tags: Goodies

Comments

danielrbischoff
Joined: Nov 2009

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 1:59 pm
I am LOVING the power rangers ram. Gotta get that for my next PC build.

0 0

daverabbit
Joined: Oct 2008

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 2:03 pm
The CB4 pic made me wet myself. Hilarious article all around.

0 2

TheJx4
Joined: Jun 2011

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 2:10 pm
Literally laughed out loud when reading some parts.
That was excellent.
Also *WillPlayBox Network

0 2

De-Ting
Joined: Nov 2006

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 2:12 pm
I see what you did there...and I like it.

0 2

TheJx4
Joined: Jun 2011

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Where'd the rest of my comment go? :|

....
I'd buy this, but it doesn't use Friend Codes.
Talk about inconvenient.

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Anthony_Severino
Joined: Oct 2010

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 2:19 pm
The GameRevolution WiiPlayBox is the only friend you'll ever need. That's why.

0 3

TheJx4
Joined: Jun 2011

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 2:24 pm
BUT CAN IT RUN CRYSIS?

0 1

danielrbischoff
Joined: Nov 2009

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 2:36 pm
It IS a Crysis!

0 3

Squiggy
Joined: Nov 2005

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 3:39 pm
I must run the Crysis!
No WiiPlayBox. You ARE the Crysis
And then he was maximum armor

0 1

Daddio
Joined: Nov 2008

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 2:19 pm
I would've named it the "BoxWiiPlay" Hawt.

0 1

NickKmet
Joined: Jan 2007

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 3:30 pm
Wait, for only $999 I get free handies for life from a beautiful lady friend, as well as a dust-busting Scottish midget? Talk about value.

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usaglory
Joined: Mar 2009

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Sure it'll release on February 29, but where are the games? What games have been announced for it thus far? And will you guys be releasing the same console over again just in a different color along the line? (Though I have no idea what color it is to begin with).

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tinymhg
Joined: Jun 2011

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 4:27 pm
It still isn't as good as PC. *ducks and covers*

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Bras
Joined: Jul 2008

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 6:09 pm
Jack Thompson as Corporate Lawyer?

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TheJx4
Joined: Jun 2011

Posted: Oct 14th, 2011 at 8:58 pm
and Kevin Butler is in charge of being KB.

0 0