Posted on Friday, October 14 @ 13:28:19 PST by Anthony Severino
The next generation is almost here. The Wii U is already announced, and the Xbox 720 and PS4 are quietly being worked on in secret R&D facilities across the globe. Meanwhile, GameRevolution has been watching, waiting to preemptively strike at the precise moment.
Behold the GameRevolution WiiPlayBox! Embarrassing? Well, you made it. We took all of the feedback (good, bad, and extra bad) from the GameRevolution readers and came up with this.
The GameRevolution WiiPlayBox is not only built like a tank for extra reliability, but it is a tank. It has built-in Kinect motion controls, a warp-speed Blu-ray drive (slot-loaded—no disc trays here, folks), Bluetooth 3.0, Wi-Fi, a 10 Terabyte cloud-based network drive, a whisper-quiet Briggs and Stratton 4-cycle gas-powered Cell Block 4 processor, and 32GB of Mighty Morphin' P-RAM.
Out of the box the WiiPlayBox will have backwards compatibility with every console... ever. It will even have forwards compatibility with all future game consoles. Although the WiiPlayBox is completely hack-proof, we've added easy-to-use developer tools in the even easier-to-use operating system. That way, users can create any games, homebrew, or apps their very heart desires.
The WiiPlayBox controller is more than just a controller with keyboard and mouse attachments. Thanks to a new technology called "Transfarring", all WiiPlayBox games can be streamed directly to the controller over a 4G network. We couldn't figure out a way to create a body-sized rumble pack, so the controller will tase the shit out of you with 500K volts of electricity and 6000 joules of power to simulate in-game effects.
Also releasing alongside the WiiPlayBox, will be the WiiPlayBox Network. Our network security is operated by members of Anonymous and LulzSec, and our Chief Security Officer is GeoHot himself. Since we've employed all of the world's most notorious hackers, there is no risk of intrusion. And if there ever was an intrusion, the repercussions will destroy you and the world with it. Oh, and did we mention that online play is completely free? We'll hold our press release to allow time for applause.
Okay... enough applause.
All games will be available digitally the same day as retail releases, albeit at a significantly cheaper discounted price. All purchases come with a license that grants you ownership across any other platform, although you won't need another platform ever again. It also grants your entire family tree and lineage of offspring ownership over this same license. Games are printed on Quadruple-layer Blu-ray BDXL discs, allowing for more storage than most hard drives. Best of all, all games are stamped with Nintendo's official seal of approval just because. Note: No Crash Bandicoot games are allowed on our console.
The GameRevolution WiiPlayBox will be released starting on November 16th, 2015 for $299.99 for the standard model. A luxury "chrome" model will be priced at $999.99 and includes the following:
Pre-orders will be available for all terrorities except for Belgium, and will begin on February 29th, 2012 and only for that day. And for all terrorities except for Belgium. Otherwise, you won't be able to purchase one until the following leap year.
Free handies from a beautiful lady friend
Console-dustbusting midget with a Scottish accent
Scent-unit that brings your nose closer to the action than ever before
Full maracas, hamburger, and energy drink controller support
Polished chrome finish with chrome rims and chrome web-browser