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FEATURED VOXPOP ryanbates
Respawning
By ryanbates
Posted on 09/25/14
I had planned to write something about the Borderlands series, but that will have to wait. I have something I need to get off my chest first. It's very personal, and I hope the two or three of you who follow my sparse blog will spare me this moment. I joked in my review for the bizarre...

The Least Scary Horror Games Ever.

Posted on Monday, October 31 @ 15:15:15 Eastern by Duke_Ferris


For every truly terrifying ghost tale, werewolf orgy or axe murdering rampage, there exists countless horror bombs. For every Friday the 13th, there's a Friday the 13th part VIII, or worse yet, a Saturday the 14th Strikes Back. For every genuinely creepy vampire, there's a group of geeks wearing crappy plastic teeth. For every young Wes Craven, there's an old Wes Craven.

And for every failure, there's GR to point it out. Halloween brings out the redundancy in websites; you'll inevitably read about all the scary video games this season, the Resident Evils and Silent Hills and Fatal Frames. We, however, are more interested in the ones that got carried away. On a stretcher.

Say hello to the least scary horror games ever.

But boy, did they try. In fact, that was our only criteria in concocting this fiendish list: the games had to TRY to be scary. However, the following were nightmarish only in their inability to drum up terror. Some have scary names, some have scary plots, and some even have scary box art. But scary games these ain't.

Enjoy our peek at the Top Ten blood-curdling cries for help, starting with.

 

The House of the Dead III
Sega | Xbox | 2002

We know, we know - you love House of the Dead, zombies rule, etc., etc. We agree, at least when it comes to the first two games. House of the Dead III was so cheesy it should have come with some wine to wash it down.

Being chased by a zombie security guard just isn't scary, although it's a lot better than shooting at little guys in hats or trying to take down a big zombie sloth. That's slow, not scary. WTF, Sega.

 

 

Haunted House
Atari | Atari 2600 | 1981

Okay, don't get all in a huff over this, either. We respect Atari and understand that it's hard delivering frights with giant pixel blocks, but we KNOW it can be done better than this unscary exercise in item fetching. The sound effects were nice considering the hardware limitations, but moving a pair of eyeballs around a black screen just doesn't instill any sense of terror. At least the screenshot looks like a guy frowning, and that's kinda creepy...not.

 

 

Dino Crisis 3
Capcom | Xbox | 2003

It's hard to believe the publisher behind Resident Evil kept okaying this bland series, but it's even harder to imagine ZOMBIE DINOSAURS IN SPACE.

We're not kidding. Spaceships can be scary, dinosaurs are scary, but the mixture of the two is more like a really awkward date. And trust us, we know all about those.

 


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