Square Enix: The Restaurant (My First Screenplay)
Posted on Sunday, March 4 @ 05:46:14 Eastern by Heath_HindmanI don't always tell businessmen how to do their jobs, but when I do, it's only because I want to give them all of my money.
You earn a platinum trophy just for encountering him.
He criticized World History for its linearity.
He Photobombed That Picture of Sephiroth and Zack.
(For the first column in this series, check here.)
I just watched The 84th Annual Academy Awards and was inspired to write a movie screenplay. I also don't actually know anything about writing a screenplay, as I'm sure will become obvious. My movie is called "Square Enix: The Restaurant." Here's my first draft.
[Our scene begins inside a restaurant called "Square Enix. Customers are sitting down and placing orders.]
Bob: You know I've had the *glances at menu* "Console Kingdom Hearts Pie" two times and liked it, so I believe I'll have that again.
Waitress: Ooo, sorry, yeah, a lot of people -- whole lot of people -- have been asking for it but the restaurant doesn't make it anymore.
Bob: *Eyebrows Raised* I...see.
Waitress: We do have a smaller version of it that uses very few of the original ingredients. Should I have the cook make you up some of that?
Bob: What? No, why would you even suggest that?
Jane: Let's just get something else honey, it's nothing to get worked up over. This is such a big and famous restaurant, I'll bet there are dozens of great things you've never even tried.
Waitress: *Smiles warmly* We sure do. Would you like to try some Third Birthday Cake?
Bob: Gah, ugh, *motions as if he is about to gag*, uh, about as much as I'd like to try failed eye surgery.
[In the background, a man in top hat and monacle walks by, a woman in a fancy evening gown on his arm.]
Man in top hat: I tell you daahling, they make the finest original creations heeah.
Hostess: Where can I seat you today, smoking or non?
Man in top hat: Oh I dare say non, please.
Hostess: And current generation or last generation?
Man in top hat: Current, of coahse!
[The trio moves to their table in the non-smoking, current-generation section.]
Waitor: Evening. What can I get you?
Man in top hat: Mmmyes I'll have your finest top-of-the-line MMORPG, please.
Waitor: Oh, I'm sorry, we are fresh out of those.
Man in top hat: I say, what eva do you mean?
Waitor: Well you see, you're in the current generation section. If you move to last generation, we have plenty of Final Fantasy XI we could bring out. We had something else in mind for our Current Generation customers but...well, it's not quite cooked yet.
Well-dressed Woman: Honey I do think I recall reading about that in the papers! Some awful things happened to people who ate the Final Fantasy XIV Parfait before it was ready.
Waitor: We're getting closer to fixing it though. Now that it's been on the menu for a year and a half, we feel like it's almost to the point it'd be worth buying.
[The man and woman look at each other, not quite sure of what to say]
[Cut to inside the kitchen]
Cook: Cripes! I'm getting so many orders for something called "FFVII Remake Somethingsomething!" It's distracting me from the menu items that we actually have!
Dish Washing Guy: If so many custimers want it, mayb eit'd be profitable to--
Owner: Stop talking and get working you two, we're busy! I'll make the business decisions, thanks.
[A voice is heard]
Angry customer: Hey! I ordered my Versus XIII Steak like forever ago! Feels like I've been waitin' 6 years over here! What's a guy gotta do?
Manager: Whoa whoa, sir, we're terribly sorry, it's just taking longer than expected. Hey, would you like to sample a medium XIII-2?
Angry customer: What? No, I didn't order that.
Manager: I know. No one did, actually, I was just hoping you might buy it. Hmmm...I wonder what I can do to make someone want this.
Angry customer: ...
Manager: I mean because some people complained about the cuts of XIII so I thought I'd spice it up a bit.
Angry customer: What's that got to do with me? Your boy with the hair told me about Versus XIII when I walked in the door. He showed me pictures. He made me want it. I said yeah, hey, that's where my money will go. I've been waiting. And now you tell me you rehashed something I didn't like, and you think I'm going to be happy that you spent your time doing that instead of making what I ordered?
Manager: You mean you're not?
Angry customer: I'm sitting here watching people who came in after me sit down, order, and get something and leave, and I still haven't gotten what I want most.
Manager: Well this kind of thing happens with all establishments, sir. It's just that one item and--
Angry customer: I only ordered because you talked it up so much! You made it look irresistible!
Manager: And I am sorry for the mistake, honestly. We shouldn't have done that. Is there anything else I can get you? Anything at all?
Angry customer: *Begins cooling down, lets out a heavy sigh and looks at his menu*
Well. I heard your waitress walking by and talking about a lot of people ordering a, what was it called, FFVII Remake? Must be good if it's so hot. I guess I'll try that.
Manager: Oh, that's out of the question. If we made that, you'd be waiting twice as long as you already have.
Angry customer: Son of a--
SQUARE ENIX: THE RESTAURANT
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
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