Update: I was unfortunately not aware of Shamus Young's severe criticism of Fallout 3 available here to link in the original piece and I regret that. It dovetails rather nicely with what I've written and it's much better executed than my piece. I strongly recommend anyone...
From Dick Butkus to Hootie and the Blowfish to Lake Titicaca, bad names have been with us forever. But thanks to the inevitable collision of reclusive nerds, bizarre artists and painfully unhip marketing execs, the video game industry enjoys some of the worst names of all.
The following list was compiled after hours of lively debate, pages of exhausting science and one actual geek fistfight. During this laborious process, we decided to set up a few basic rules:
All games must have been wide releases for legitimate, popular platforms.
We tried to avoid games heavy on the Engrish. Translation errors are just too easy.
So are educational games and porn.
We should also point out that this list in no way indicates the quality of the game itself, merely the quality of its awful title. And we know that some of you will claim that you once played a game in a Korean arcade called "Diarrhea Coughdrop" or something and that it deserves a spot on the list. Cool. Go make one.
After all, Wii did. Let the names begin!
Frogger: Helmet Chaos
We must bring order to the helmets!
Platform : DS, PSP Publisher : Konami Year : 2005
If ever there was a title that came straight out of the random grab-bag-o-nouns, it's this one. Pretty much lost me after "Frogger."
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.
Platform : Playstation, PC Publisher : Taito Year : 1998
Man, nothing says "fun" like a German philosophical term for an era in the dialectical progression of a people or the world at large. I wonder if it has tits!
Twin Eagle: Revenge Joe's Brother
Platform : Arcade Publisher : Taito Year : 1988
It's bad enough to name a helicopter Revenge Joe, but it's even worse when you claim it has a brother. And it's doubly worse when you consider that this is actually the first Twin Eagle game. Revenge for what?
A super-power it ain't.
Platform : Apple II, Commodore 64, PC Publisher : Epyx Year : 1983
From the Totally Out of Ideas department comes Jumpman. Let's see...there's a man, and he jumps...
ASO: Armored Scrum Object
FYI: Unnecessary Abbreviation
Platform : Arcade Publisher : SNK Year : 1986
Why would they name a bland vertical shooter after some sort of futuristic Rugby ball? To make our list, of course.
I just figured out my porn star name.
Platform : Sega CD Publisher : Sega Year : 1995
Wild Woody was also the the star of this game, a bright yellow No. 2 pencil that threw sticks of dynamite. Welcome to the mascot graveyard.
Your eyes are like deep pools of Dihydrogen Monoxide.
Platform : Dreamcast Publisher : Capcom Year : 2000
This dorky Don Juan gets all the ladies with his smooth moves, great hair and modded Palm Pilot.
Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom
Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
Platform : NES Publisher : Hudson Soft Year : 1990
And then pretty much just skip the salad course, because this vegetable-themed adventure game had no meat. On the other hand, you gotta see the melons on that tomato.
Beyond the Beyond
Way past the far out.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Sony Year : 1999
Sony goes one step beyond in their top-shelf RPG. Beyond what, you ask? Don't ask. Really.
Silhouette Mirage: Reprogrammed Hope
Palette timid waffle.
Platform : Playstation, Saturn Publisher : Working Designs Year : 1999