PREVIEWSPES 2017 Preview
With the exclusive partnership with FC Barcelona and its Camp Nou Stadium, Konami hopes that this trend of licensing is just the beginning for PES.
The only thing that stops the dust is the rain. It’s a sweet reprieve, but there is no middle ground. The land is either as dry as the Betty Ford clinic, or as wet as the ocean floor. Everything can be seen from the ridge overlooking Armadillo as John Marston gently bounces along atop...
Posted on Monday, June 12 @ 11:12:13 PST by Duke_Ferris
From Dick Butkus to Hootie and the Blowfish to Lake Titicaca, bad names have been with us forever. But thanks to the inevitable collision of reclusive nerds, bizarre artists and painfully unhip marketing execs, the video game industry enjoys some of the worst names of all.
The following list was compiled after hours of lively debate, pages of exhausting science and one actual geek fistfight. During this laborious process, we decided to set up a few basic rules:
All games must have been wide releases for legitimate, popular platforms.
We tried to avoid games heavy on the Engrish. Translation errors are just too easy.
So are educational games and porn.
We should also point out that this list in no way indicates the quality of the game itself, merely the quality of its awful title. And we know that some of you will claim that you once played a game in a Korean arcade called "Diarrhea Coughdrop" or something and that it deserves a spot on the list. Cool. Go make one.
After all, Wii did. Let the names begin!
Frogger: Helmet Chaos
50
We must bring order to the helmets!
Platform : DS, PSP Publisher : Konami Year : 2005
If ever there was a title that came straight out of the random grab-bag-o-nouns, it's this one. Pretty much lost me after "Frogger."
Zeitgeist
49
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.
Platform : Playstation, PC Publisher : Taito Year : 1998
Man, nothing says "fun" like a German philosophical term for an era in the dialectical progression of a people or the world at large. I wonder if it has tits!
Twin Eagle: Revenge Joe's Brother
48
No, Joe.
Platform : Arcade Publisher : Taito Year : 1988
It's bad enough to name a helicopter Revenge Joe, but it's even worse when you claim it has a brother. And it's doubly worse when you consider that this is actually the first Twin Eagle game. Revenge for what?
Jumpman
47
A super-power it ain't.
Platform : Apple II, Commodore 64, PC Publisher : Epyx Year : 1983
From the Totally Out of Ideas department comes Jumpman. Let's see...there's a man, and he jumps...
ASO: Armored Scrum Object
46
FYI: Unnecessary Abbreviation
Platform : Arcade Publisher : SNK Year : 1986
Why would they name a bland vertical shooter after some sort of futuristic Rugby ball? To make our list, of course.
Wild Woody
45
I just figured out my porn star name.
Platform : Sega CD Publisher : Sega Year : 1995
Wild Woody was also the the star of this game, a bright yellow No. 2 pencil that threw sticks of dynamite. Welcome to the mascot graveyard.
Tech Romancer
44
Your eyes are like deep pools of Dihydrogen Monoxide.
Platform : Dreamcast Publisher : Capcom Year : 2000
This dorky Don Juan gets all the ladies with his smooth moves, great hair and modded Palm Pilot.
Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom
43
Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
Platform : NES Publisher : Hudson Soft Year : 1990
And then pretty much just skip the salad course, because this vegetable-themed adventure game had no meat. On the other hand, you gotta see the melons on that tomato.
Beyond the Beyond
42
Way past the far out.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Sony Year : 1999
Sony goes one step beyond in their top-shelf RPG. Beyond what, you ask? Don't ask. Really.
Silhouette Mirage: Reprogrammed Hope
41
Palette timid waffle.
Platform : Playstation, Saturn Publisher : Working Designs Year : 1999
We love the random word generator, too! Opted congestion substances source! Think wind recorder disrupt!
Um Jammer Lammy
40
While my guitar gently screams WTF.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Sony Year : 1999
This sequel to Parappa the Rapper took a confusing premise - you're a psychedelic lamb who plays guitar - and turned it absurd with this awkward title.
PenPen TriIcelon
39
Attack of the lion-penguin-monkeys.
Platform : Dreamcast Publisher : Infogrames Year : 1999
You're a mutant penguin racing in the TriIcelon, which is just like a Triathlon, but colder. Believe it or not, we reviewed this one and STILL have no idea what the hell it's about.
Spanky's Quest
38
To save Alfalfa?
Platform : SNES Publisher : Natsume Year : 1992
See, Spanky is a monkey. Spanky the monkey. SPANK THE MONKEY. Hey thanks, you'rea great crowd!
Cacoma Knight in Bizyland
37
Mind your bizness.
Platform : SNES Publisher : SETA U.S.A. Year : 1993
Sounds like an adventurous RPG, but the only thing getting bizy in this Qix ripoff is you.
M.U.S.C.L.E.
36
B.A.D. A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.
Platform : NES Publisher : Bandai Year : 1986
Video games are chock full of bad acronyms, but Mattel and Bandai's old wrestling game - Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere - wins by submission.
Sticky Balls
35
Pass the vaseline.
Platform : Gizmondo Publisher : Gizmondo Games Year : 2005
The platform might have been a front for a mafia scam, but the games were real. Real filthy, that is.
70's Robot Anime Geppy-X:
The Super Boosted Armor
34
Wow.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Aroma Year : 1999
We cheated a little on this one, since this side-scrolling robot shooter was a Japanese-only release, but with a title like that, it just had to be on the list.
Punky Skunk
33
God save the queen.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Jaleco Year : 1998
Talk about low effort game naming. He's a skunk, he's extreme, and he loves The Misfits...so...hmmm...what to call him...
Klonoa: Door to Phantomile
32
Doctor, it hurts when I pee...
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Namco Year : 1997
That's because you've caught Klonoa, Jimmy, but don't worry, a shot of penicillin will clear that right up.
Awesome Possum Kicks Dr. Machino's Butt!
31
He does. Right in the butt.
Platform : Sega Genesis Publisher : Tengen Year : 1994
Fun fact: This is one of the first games to actually use digitized voice. Not so fun fact: Here's a dialogue snippet: Awesome Possum: "I'm awesome!" Dr. Machino: "You’re not so awesome!"
The only thing that stops the dust is the rain. It’s a sweet reprieve, but there is no middle ground. The land is either as dry as the Betty Ford clinic, or as wet as the ocean floor. Everything can be seen from the ridge overlooking Armadillo as John Marston gently bounces along atop...
ADCHOICES