Update: I was unfortunately not aware of Shamus Young's severe criticism of Fallout 3 available here to link in the original piece and I regret that. It dovetails rather nicely with what I've written and it's much better executed than my piece. I strongly recommend anyone...
We gushed, we honored, we applauded, cheered and rewarded. Alas, we exhausted ourselves compiling our list of the Best Games of 2004, a difficult task when you consider how many awesome titles came out over the course of the year.
Well, it's time to get even.
For every praiseworthy stud that hit shelves in 2004, there were countless weenies, wimps and wannabes. While it's true that 2004 was a banner year for big-name sequels, it was also a banner year for lame games trying to cash in on the increasingly high-profile games industry.
So it is with great pride and joy that we offer you, dear reader, our Top 10 Worst Games of 2004. The beer coasters. The frisbees. In a word, the worst. Handle with care.
We'll be perfectly honest with you - there were worse games released in 2004 that could have easily snagged the 10 spot. But when it comes to size, few can compare with the enormous debacle that was DRIV3R.
We're not sure what sucked more - the numerous gameplay bugs, the crummy graphics and control or the bribery scandals that clouded its release. Or maybe we're just pissed that they didn't include GR in the bribery ring. We would have done it for cheap. At any rate, DRIV3R serves as a reminder that you're only as good as your latest crappy game.
Four years. 48 months. 1,460 days. That's how long developers have to create new games based on the Summer Olympics.
Please explain, then, why Athens 2004 features gameplay that hasn't changed in twenty years. Can't? Neither can we, which is part of the reason why this is the ninth worst game released in 2004. If we wanted to play Track 'N Field, we'd download it. Or better yet, we'd kill ourselves.
In a desperate attempt to cash in on both the music game craze and imaginary urban dimwits entranced by any font made to resemble graffiti, Eidos raided their diminishing coffers to throw bling at the craptacular raptastrophe, Get On Da Mic.
We don't know where to start with this broken record. The lyrics were screwed up, the voice-recognition software was screwed up, and the licensed songs themselves were screwed up. They didn't even get the censoring right. We, however, will. F### this game, b####.
Some games are unfit for public consumption, but only a very special game is unfit for private consumption, too. Soldner is that special game, and by special, we of course mean 'retarded.'
Soldner is supposed to be an online shooter in the vein of the great Battlefield series, but this bomb's gimpy engine and horrible slew of programming bugs make it ripe for loathing. To its one credit, Soldner was barely released in North America and therefore very few of our compatriots suffered through its wretched war, keeping it chained firmly to the number 7 slot.
Call us prudish, but the moronic toilet humor of Vivendi's stinkbomb that is Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude had our gag reflex working overtime. It wasn't enough for the developers to completely destroy the game's solid adventure legacy with lamebrain writing and humor that made the Man Show look like Shakespeare; they had to demolish the gameplay, too (we barely enjoyed Tapper the first time around). Be reponsible, remove the beer goggles and don't waste a night with this cheap date.