How to survive Disaster Scenarios!

[BlackStar]

I was watching this show on how to survive terrorist attacks and all that stuff. It was pretty dumb since we all know the best way to survive a terrorist attack is to stay away from Muslims with big beards.

So I was wondering how you would survive normal disaster scenarios. You know, circumstances that you would actually find yourself in. Instead of stupid ones like Tsunami's and The Swine Flu apocalypse.

So pick a disaster scenario and describe how you'd survive it. Or do 'em all, I don't care, whatever helps you kill time.



SCENARIO 1 - for guys
You meet a very attractive girl at a bar. One thing leads to another and you go back to her place and begin making out. Just as you lay down on her bed naked she grabs a knife from under the bed and says she likes to play with knives and wants to cut you. It's quite clear now that she is a psycho. Your clothes are nowhere to be seen (don't plan on finding them) and she seems to have a firm grasp on you. What do you do?

SCENARIO #2 - for guys
You have to take a #2 while out traveling somewhere. You stop into a small restaurant and use the washroom. You walk into the bathroom stall and do your business. Seconds later, some ignorant brat of a child enters the washroom and begins throwing crap from the garbage bin into your stall. He's laughing the whole time. After finishing your business, you exit the stall covered in all sorts of disgusting garbage. The child runs into a stall and locks himself in, laughing away. Full of rage, you kick in the stall and the child screams for help. Just then a cop walks in and the child pulls down his pants and says "DON'T RAPE ME!" The cop looks horrified and you don't think you can talk your way out of this. What do you do?

SCENARIO #3 - for guys or girls
You've been invited out to a party with a few acquaintances that you hardly know. You figure you'd like to get to know them better since they're cool people to hang with so you go up to their cottage in the middle of nowhere. As soon as you arrive you realise that these people are really Satanists and are trying to contact the dead with a Parker Brothers game called the Ouija Board. You're trapped up there so you just try to go along with it and hope you can make it through the night. You notice that the people seem totally nuts and as long as you follow along with them you'll be safe. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse they pass around a medieval cup filled with cow's blood and begin to drink it. It's your turn to drink it.... what do you do?

SCENARIO #4 - for guys and girls
You've got to pay a visit to a family member of yours from Alaska who you cannot stand. You go to his/her place by yourself for the night. She forces you to watch videos from her boring trip to Delaware and the whole night you feel like stabbing pencils into your eyes. She finally shuts off the movies and you get some rest. During the night, a huge snow storm hits and as you awake the next morning, you find you're snowed in and can't get out of her house. She decides to pass the time by putting on more videos.... What do you do?

SCENARIO #5 - for guys or girls
You agree to be a part of an upcoming film that's being shot in your city! It's a documentary movie about video games. The filmmaker asks you if you think violent video games deserve to be banned and asks if video games cause violent behaviour in teens today. You tell him that you don't believe video games should be banned and that they do not cause kids to go psycho. Little do you realise that the filmmaker disagrees with you. By the time the editing is finished and the movie is released the film makes you look like despicable Nazi scum. What do you do?

[Chris_Crime]

scenario 1) girl you know what? you know what girl? man..i got a bad case of the hemophilia right now. i wasn't even gonna bring it up but we're moving pretty quick so... ya... it flares up now and again, shoot sometimes not at all. yah but you can't catch it... i think..

2) still covered in garbage i'd probably act like a retard and make it seem the kid is my handler. I no rape you Jimmy -- I no rape you Jimmy -- Jimmy where's daddy? Jimmy I poop my pants now? if that doesn't work i'd probably just say f it and rape the kid in front of the officer. if i'm going down then i'm going all the way down.

3) claim i'm cool with satanism but that i'm a level 3 vegan so..

4) explain to her that i'm suffering from jet lag, i think i'll just sleep this one in. drug myself with some sleeping pills. when she sleeps i'll be awake, when she's awake i'll sleep. i'll do this till someone more interesting comes to visit.

when running from disaster, you do what you got to do. still thinking about #5

[GRZorak]

1. You smile and tell her you also like playing with knives. If you're lucky, she'll only mutilate you a little for her sick tendencies, and you'll be able to escape with your life. Fighting her is too risky at this point unless you have the training to do so. If it turns out she actually intends to kill you, you'll still be able to try and fight with a few cuts, but the likely factor is that she only wants to get off on it.

2. Uh? You don't talk your way out of it, it's likely impossible. You could participate in the investigation and take a lie detector, but that doesn't absolve you of kicking the door in and endangering that kid. You just don't kick in the door, that's all there is to it. The only thing you can do is call the kid a prick and then go get management, sooner or later the parents will turn up, and the kid will be in trouble. Trick question!

3. Tell them you're into their beliefs and all, but that you don't feel worthy of this "holiest of drinks" yet. If they aren't going to let you off the compound until you are worthy, you'll have to run at some point, or just suck it up and drink some damn blood. Or yeah, that vegan thing

4. Come clean and tell her you don't want to watch her boring crap. Family won't kick you out if you word it correctly, and family would never kick you out into a storm that could likely kill you. Unless she's chock full of crazy.

5. Be proud of looking like scum, stand up for the art industry that is video games. Amen. If you really must, tell people you were quoted and edited out of context, that's all you can really do.
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I told him I didn't take his Chuckle! I don't eat that gooey crap!

[Chris_Crime]

lots of logic in those answers, not enough orlys and cats.

5) logic hmm get on youtube. post a detailed crime stat chart from1992 to the current date. ya, 1992, back when Joe Lieberman first took up the cause against video game violence with Lethal Enforcers and Mortal Kombat.. the original violent video games. also, Night Trap.
Explain to your viewers how wrong Lieberman and Clinton (Hillary) were about violence in teens being attributed to video games. how wrong florida lawyers were (what's his name again?). Show everyone how real life violence has begun to decrease over the years even as video games continue to become more detailed in their violence. end with a thesis correlating the decline of real life violence to the continual rise of video game violence.
end with subzero ripping the head off kano / pans out to show it's the nintendo wii family who's playing mortal kombat [it was them all along]

crime down : violent video games up / fuck that director : he aint shit

[Longo_2_guns]

1. If she's holding me down, it'll be hard for her to cut me. I'm probably stronger and bigger than her, so I'll at least be able to wrestle the knife away. Of course it can't look like I want to escape but instead that it's all a part of the game. Ya dig?

2. Tell the cop what was happening, and all the while find some way to get between the cop and the way out. When he isn't looking, sneak out or the bathroom and then run like hell.

3. Fake the drink. Not that hard when it's a big medieval goblet.

4. Get drunk or drugged or something. Go to the other room and take a nap. Invent a game to pass the time. Something.

5. Call him out for editing it, or sue him for defacing my image.
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|king with portals

Now you're thin|

[GRZorak]

[UghRochester]

1. I would pee on her and while she's shocked that I did that, I would find other weird items that she has (Dildo stun gun) and use it against. All doing this I search for my clothes because my phone and wallet would be in the pockets and start darting toward the nearest cab (if urban area) nearest tree (if rural area). Hopefully I will be long gone and she still doesn't have my phone number so I would be safe.

2. You can't talk your way out, but you can yell, "Where's that son of b**** at? That guys going to pay for hurting this boy." Making the cop look like you're searching for this rapist

3. Claim you're highly allergic to cows and even the slightest sniff, will make you break out and have swollen your throat and you die.

5. Run to Jack Thompson and prepare yourself to team up with him.
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[KoalaRainbowPoop]

my answer for all of em? i'd blame canada
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Dan likes blanka to stimulate his colon with electricity.

[Bretimus_v2]

#1 Where's the disaster? Set some ground rules and establish a safe word.

#2 First off, if he was flinging garbage and I was dropping logs, I would probably retaliate with my own ammo. But if it got to the point where the story stopped, I would simply drop to FALCON PUNCHes. One for the kid and one for the cop.

#3 "Sorry, I filled up on virgin's blood before I got here. Yeah, I'm hardcore."

#4 I'm a fairly up-front person...I would tell them there are other things we could be doing and not accept no for an answer.

#5 For the most part, I'd be screwed. I probably signed a release. Since he's not going to just cut me from the movie, what I have to do is find a better target. Find someone is even better Nazi scum and have them put in the movie.

[MattAY]

1) Say, "seems I still have the bigger knife"...HA! She'll be stunned by the comedy that you can then overthrow the knife threat.

2) Harsh, simply explain to the cop. It's not as if your pants were down.

3) Fake the sip, they wont notice in a big ass medieval goblet!

4) Say you're bored of videos and ask for a game of twister instead.

5) Take it, who gives a f*** what gamers think of you.
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[DocMoc]

1. I'd punch her. Punch her right in the face!
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[Trippysmurf]

1) Headbutt her, grab the knife from under the pillow (that's where I keep mine), and enter a Mexican standoff. Ask if she would like to grab dinner sometime to cut the tension. ZING!

2) Seriously, why did you kick the door down. You could have just waited for him to come out and then give him a swirly. If his parents or cop arrive, explain the situation.

But, if for some reason I had kicked down the door and the situation went awry, I would calmly explain what happened. If the cop doesn't buy it, nonchalantly smash the kid's head against the metal toilet roll. Hey, in for an inch, in for a mile.

3) Tell them that as I keep Kosher, I can only drink pig's blood. As they laugh, calmly excuse myself to take a leak outside and disappear in the woods. We're on equal footing in the woods, and I fight dirty.

That, or read from the Necronomicon, replace my hand with a chainsaw and proclaim "Groovy!"

4) Don't watch them. Grab a book, head to my room and read. I have no problem telling family I'm doing something else. I just told my dad I didn't want to go hiking with him this Sunday (his fault, he should have given me more than 5 days notice, and I had just made plans anyways).

5) As a Jew, most of the world already thinks I'm inherently despicable scum, so no real change there. Also, claim I was being a necessary evil in order to unify people against propaganda like the film.
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[WickedLiquid]

#1 I'd tell I have AIDS and I didn't think we'd get this far on a first night. If she's still crazy enough to have sex with me I'd tell her my condoms are in my jeans pocket and she needs to find them for me. After I got my jeans I'd dash out of the place. I wouldn't care about being topless, just as long as I'm not streaking my way home.

#2 If I'm still covered in garbage I'd show the cop and just explain I lost my temper but had no intention of raping him. Since I can't talk my way out of I guess I'd get arrested and when it went to court I'm pretty sure a small child would have a hard time lying under oath. If he was a good liar, then I'd have to get a damn good lawyer.

#3 I'd drop the gauntlet and start wigging out then scream "I AM THE ONE KNOWN AS PAZZUZ! I HAVE POSSESSED THIS BODY TO INFORM YOU MY DEMANDS! DRIVE ME TO THE CITY AND LET US CAUSE CHAOS TO THE NON-BELIEVERS!"

Then once I get to the city I'd be like "damn, what happened? Where am I? I was about to drink the blood, now I'm here? Well, this is my place, later!"

#4 I'd excuse my self and go to the washroom and lock the door. In there I'd occupy my time on the phone playing games until we're rescued.

#5 I'd go on a television show, probably something that has to do with video games like on TECH TV or something and tell the world my words were twisted and manipulated to make me look sinister. I'm sure if the show was pro-video games they'd want me on there to fight against a documentary that was against them.
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[LawnGnome]

#1 Tell her it's not a good idea. The last time you let a lady cut you, you pooped the bed. If that turns her on even more, punch her square in the tits and run for it.

#2 Act like you're the kid's parent. Tell him he's in big trouble for causing such a mess then drag him out of the restroom, out of sight of the cop. Then do whatever comes naturally to you.

#3 Fake a big drink, but make sure you have a good blood mustache afterwards to be convincing.

#4 Put some progressive rock on and see if it synchs up in anyway. You never know, it could be awesome!

#5 Follow him into a bathroom, do what kid in #2 did. Or introduce him to crazy chick in #1.
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[Wes]

Oh BlackStar, you always have a love/hate relationship with those crazy Muslms.

#1 Considering I've been drinking all night I'd most likely have to use the washroom. If I can't get her off me I'd just piss the bed. Sounds gross but you gotta do what you gotta do to survive

#2 Bleh, If I can't be honest with the cop and talk my way out of it then I guess I'd just lie and say he was screaming so I kicked in the door thinking a rapist was in there with him.

#3 I'd accidentally drop the cup and spill the blood everywhere. OOPS! If they had more then I guess I'd be screwed. I'd have to quietly excuse myself without them looking and take off. I'm pretty good at navigating myself so hopefully if I continued heading South I'd find a small town and get to a phone to call someone and beg them to pick me up..

#4 i would just complain and complain until she put something else on to pass the time until we're rescued. I'm sure she could only take so much of me complaining before she gets the idea it's killing me.

#5 It depends how far I've been humiliated. If we're talking Borat/Bruno humiliation then I'd have to make it aware to the public that what I said was taken out of context. Get my message out on YouTube and hope that it gets aired on TV or that someone who sees it would put me on TV. If it was a successful documentary then there's no doubt people would want to hear my side of the story.
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Life is not a predetermined path but a branch of many choices that make us who we are.

[Paradox]

SCENARIO #1
tell her to stick to the cuts and scars that are already there. just dont forget to wear a condom. safety first after all.

SCENARIO #2
ask the cop if he would like to join. most likely, his horrified look should turn into one of relief as he places crime scene tape outside the door to ensure no disturbance.

SCENARIO #3
just think of it as a hamburger slushie and man up. afterwards offer to move the party to your place to use your sacrificial alter.

SCENARIO #4
make a move on her. its less horrifying than vacation videos and youll either get some awkward privacy out of it, or a really great weekend.

SCENARIO #5
resign yourself to your new label and get 'american history x' edward norton style tattoos. have 'nintendo does not promote violence' tattooed across your stomach, only have the 'N's in nintendo replaced with swastikas. the video game community with thank you and think you a hero as everyone switches their attention to the walking contradiction you have become.

the film director, crushed at losing his audience, hangs himself with a wii nunchuck cord after a drunken binge of playing hannah montana dress up.
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You shot me in the leg! How will I walk...oh, just like your daughter. Good one, Commissioner!

History abhors a paradox...