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What makes you tic?

 
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De-Ting
Formerly Known as Prince


Joined: 11 Nov 2006
Posts: 8215

PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2014 9:13 am    Post subject: What makes you tic? Reply with quote

Judge this dialog from my book:

"Boss, what makes you tic?"

"...Money...the ladies."

"Yes...good, but boss, what makes you tic?"

"Piles of gold...enough to lie in."

"Gold is nice, but you wouldn't eat it."

"No...I'd prefer a golden goose. Hmph, how about that, Fontano?"

"Oh I'd never eat a golden goose, boss."

"Yeah, not under these conditions, for sure. Maybe bourbelier--"

"Boss, food is fleeting."

"What can you eat that isn't food? You mock me, Fontano?"

"Never, boss. If you could reach over here and strike me, it would be your pleasure, just like old times."

"Then do me a favor and strike yourself for me, square on the nose."

"Yes, good, boss. What else?"

"While you're at it, wring your neck til you're red. Then maybe the guards will come down here and flog you again for faking ill."

"Wouldn't you like to flog someone yourself, boss?"

"Other than you? Yeah...that little...brat."

"Yes. This is all her fault, boss."

"Little rat...running off with my fetcher. I'd flog 'em both."

"You'd do more, boss."

"You're right. I'd whip 'em til both my arms fell off."

"Yes. What else?"

"I'd skin them and use their hides as money bags."

"You've done worse, boss."

"Gah, I'd kill the one and feed them to the other."

"Worse."

"...I'd burn them first, then throw them in the river."

"Worse!"

"I'd chain them up to boulders and roll them down a mountain! I'd defile their parents' graves and throw them in there with them! I would rather I never see another speck of gold than let them live without paying a drop of blood for what they've reduced me to! I am the King of Thieves!"

"Boss, what makes you tic?"

"Revenge, Fontano. Sweet, sweet revenge."

"You will savor it, boss."


Last edited by De-Ting on Fri Sep 26, 2014 11:34 am; edited 2 times in total
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used44



Joined: 08 Mar 2002
Posts: 21245

PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2014 9:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good stuff. Is it for a graphic novel? Otherwise, the string of dialogue without any context blended in is unsettling and a little tough to follow.
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Bretimus_v2
The Japazillian Dynasty


Joined: 30 Jan 2009
Posts: 10424

PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2014 4:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it. The way he keeps him talking, gets past the superficial and to the heart of it. But I agree, as is it needs something else to help distinguish the two voices and add more setting.

Would read more.
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WickedLiquid
In Limbo


Joined: 18 Mar 2009
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2014 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I smell a GR crossover. Have you messaged Master Craig for character sketch ideas?
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Master_Craig
i liek to draw pictures


Joined: 02 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2014 7:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's a pretty cool example, De-Ting. Can I ask what kind of story you're writing?
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De-Ting
Formerly Known as Prince


Joined: 11 Nov 2006
Posts: 8215

PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2014 10:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a medieval/renaissance fantasy about a witch and a witch hunter. Left to my own devices, it's just a novel with a few illustrations. A graphic novel and even a movie are two things I really hope come from it, but I still have a lot of work to do.

I find it easiest to outline a situation, write the dialog, and then add context.
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Master_Craig
i liek to draw pictures


Joined: 02 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2014 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good luck with it man, that sounds great.

I do very similar. I find it much easier to outline a situation and add random dialogue, then add more to it (the context) much later. I find it easier to write about a "scene" instead of a "story" if that makes sense.
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MattAY
Posh B**tard


Joined: 02 Mar 2006
Posts: 12730

PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 1:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Never read a teaser for a book before. Sounds compelling!

I was confused though, because in my country flog means "to sell" more commonly than the other meaning!
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De-Ting
Formerly Known as Prince


Joined: 11 Nov 2006
Posts: 8215

PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 2:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

MattAY wrote:
Never read a teaser for a book before. Sounds compelling!

I was confused though, because in my country flog means "to sell" more commonly than the other meaning!

He flogs and he flogs. He's the King of Thieves.
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WickedLiquid
In Limbo


Joined: 18 Mar 2009
Posts: 7259

PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 9:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Matt, you don't even wanna know what "fag" means here...
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MattAY
Posh B**tard


Joined: 02 Mar 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 10:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha yeah, smokers get mistaken for homosexuals all the damn time in this country!

Our lingo is just a bit stupid is all!

So how long until it's finished Tingy? Or is it done already?!
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Master_Craig
i liek to draw pictures


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 3:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Flog" in Australia can mean one of three things.

Either beating the crap out of someone, e.g. "I'm gonna flog that guy."

It can also mean theft, e.g. "He flogged off with the money."

Or, no joke, wanking, e.g. masturbating.

"I caught him flogging off again!"

MOST of the time people use it in the first form.
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De-Ting
Formerly Known as Prince


Joined: 11 Nov 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 6:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MattAY wrote:
So how long until it's finished Tingy? Or is it done already?!

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MattAY
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2014 1:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


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UrbanMasque
Don't Feed Him


Joined: 16 May 2007
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 11:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wish I knew the situation before I read the conversation. Not knowing what was going on it seemed like an old school comedy scene. Knowing context I'm def interested in reading more.
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