More Reviews
REVIEWS Firefall Review
Repetitive gameplay makes this fall a little boring.

The Walking Dead: Season Two Review
At this point, you’re not coming back for the zombies. Let’s get down to business.
More Previews
PREVIEWS Geometry Wars 3: Dimensions Preview
Put up some movie glasses, because Geometry Wars is entering the third dimension.
Release Dates
NEW RELEASES Destiny
Release date: 09/09/14

FIFA 15
Release date: 09/23/14

Ar Nosurge: Ode to an Unborn Star
Release date: 09/23/14

Persona 4 Arena Ultimax
Release date: 09/30/14


LATEST FEATURES And I Was All "Hell Yeah I'll Play a New Dreamcast Game"
I just played a Dreamcast game that was released in... wait, 2014?

A Comprehensive Guide to Dealing with Controversy in the Video Game Industry
Need help wading through the latest misogyny/homophobia/racism/corruption debate in the gaming industry? Paul Tamburro’s here to help!
MOST POPULAR FEATURES The Updating List of PAX Indies
We're heading to PAX Prime! Are you looking to check out a few unique indie games while you're there? UPDATED: Dragon Fin Soup, Dungeon of the Endless,

LEADERBOARD
Read More Member Blogs
FEATURED VOXPOP samsmith614 Since game design is a business, I decided to see what's really selling well for the PS4. I did this search a week ago, and at the time, out of the top 20 bestsellers on Amazon 10 had not even been released yet. By now some have been released. But others still have not. And yet others...

 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   SmartFeedSmartFeed   RegisterRegister   ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 
How Icepick nearly got a citation for taking a shit
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Game Revolution Forum Index -> Misc
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Icepick
Professional Pocketpool Player


Joined: 14 Dec 2002
Posts: 11249

PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 5:34 pm    Post subject: How Icepick nearly got a citation for taking a shit Reply with quote

Let me start up by saying constipation sucks. because my diet is all over the place and in no way consistent, I've dealt with it before, however after 6 days I realized this was not the standard sit it out and be patient ordeal.

I ended up going to the hospital, the pain in my abdomen was just way too much to take, and it turns out I had an "impacted bowel". Essentially the plugged up fecal matter turned into granite within the confines of my anus, and was preventing the softer, more malleable content from escaping. Essentially every 5 minutes I was crippled by the feeling of trying to push out a watermelon.

The poor nurse gave me a suppository, which failed, a fleet enema, which failed, and a gravity fed salt enema, which failed and burned like a motherfucker. Defeated, I hobbled out of the hospital with a prescription for a jug of "lactuose" with very strict instructions to not take more than 4 table spoons a day.

3 days later, and still unable to sit upright without crying like a little bitch, I got fed up and downed half the bottle. I felt it move, my god my victory is assured! I ran to the bathroom, paper in hand, halfway through a story about legalization or marijuana I felt a burst, and I mean a burst as in a super nova explosion. You could hear the ricochet off the porcelain, or rather you would have if I was not screaming in tongues. According to witnesses, it sounded as if Chewbacca was being slowly killed with a blow torch. If that was the extent of the story I wouldn't feel it worth sharing, however there was still a mass in there, clearly forged in the depths of Mt. Doom.

I braced my feet against the wall, my veins in my forehead popping, to the few here I've had conversations with, you'll know I have a rather blue collar style of speech, cussing is something that's part of every sentence, I was raised by a trucker after all. Well what spewed from my mouth was nearly as foul as what was flowing from my anal cavity. I screamed every cuss loud as church bells. When it was all over, I was drenched with sweat, huffing and puffing, and sobbing slightly. I felt as if someone took a jackhammer to my asshole. There I stayed for another twenty minutes, partly because clean up was not a two wipe process, and partly because I wasn't sure if I shit out my skeleton or not.

That's when I heard the authoritative knock that I know to well, the fuzz were at my door. Considering I was bed ridden for a week, I was sure I didn't do anything to upset the law. I wrapped a towel around my waist, and stumbled to the door. Greeted by captain super serious, with his gigantic ass aviators. he looked genuinely concerned over my shambled appearance and pale face.

My neighbor had phoned the police regarding my cussing. (She's a cunt, twice petitioned to have my dog put down, destroyed my fence, covered my mustang in concrete dust), anyways, the officer asked me outside, in the rain, my legs still wobly, and wrapped only in a towel, to be confronted by Mr. Aviators and the land whale that is my next door neighbor. After being confronted by her about my "brutish" behavior, and having to take a field sobriety test to prove I was actually suffering from a traumatic bowel movement and not "high on the street drugs." The officer seemed intent on issuing me a citation for "disturbance of the peace", or he was until during the field sobriety test I had to stand on on leg and hop. Apparently not all was flushed out of my system, and there on my driveway, in front of my neighbor, a mud monkey slid out and plopped onto the driveway. At that moment the officer believed me to be telling the truth, and my neighbor having already left in disgust, was left without victory.

The moral of the story, eat your fucking bran, sweet zombie jesus was this the worst experience of my life by far. And while we're at it, anyone know of any delicious recipes I can make to help? I know flax seed, and other tidbits I can use, but this shit is so god damn bland.
_________________
Anal sex is a lot like eating spinach, if you're forced to do it as a kid you wont enjoy it properly as an adult


Last edited by Icepick on Wed Oct 17, 2012 5:51 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
De-Ting
Formerly Known as Prince


Joined: 11 Nov 2006
Posts: 7941

PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dude, as soon as you feel another one coming, you need to go over to your neighbor's house to "apologize." Then, without any warning, lower the gates and let loose wherever you might be standing on her property.

Also, make prune juice your only beverage.
_________________

o--(^-^)--o
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
LinksOcarina
The Anti-Fanboy


Joined: 08 Nov 2005
Posts: 11560

PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My god...that sounded like a painful shit...

As for your neighbor, yeah, fuck that asshole for calling you for cursing.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Green_Lantern
Spacecataz


Joined: 06 Nov 2008
Posts: 5237

PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How the hell can you get disturbing the peace on your own property??


Amazing story either way.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Paradox
Up for group


Joined: 19 Mar 2002
Posts: 5625

PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've heard about those kind of blockages. Supposed be to a combination of change in diet, irregular BM schedule and dehydration.

It sounded beyond painful, but your storytelling is fantastic. Best laugh I've had all day. You should write short stories or articles.
_________________
We are Groot
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address
cyberjim2000
Forum Bum


Joined: 28 Feb 2010
Posts: 1805

PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 7:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jesus Christ.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MattAY
Posh B**tard


Joined: 02 Mar 2006
Posts: 12266

PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hahaha incredible read!

I've luckily never had anything like that. I'm scared as hell of it though, sounds utterly painful. I imagine you had the best smoke ever as soon as Mr. Aviators left you alone.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
UghRochester
Fattest Jedi Around


Joined: 05 Jun 2006
Posts: 6968

PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 3:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So, let me get this straight. You had major shit blockage and couldn't shit for a week. Your doctor gave you stuff to make you shit. When you downed half the bottle and begin shitting, your ass exploded. As it was exploding, you cursed so loud that your neighbor overheard you and called the police for disturbing the peace. Did I get that right? Also, what time was this around?
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
madster111
The Original Pie Lover


Joined: 04 Jun 2006
Posts: 6283

PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 3:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've heard horror stories similar to this from aus army people i've talked to, who've had to eat MREs for a while and end up with bleeding assholes.
Just like to point out at this stage that i am in fact going into the air force simply so i can avoid MREs as much as possible.
_________________
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abWqy3DOnuA

BarackObama,Putin,DavidCameron,XiJinpingAndseveralothers wrote:
Song of the year, every year.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Icepick
Professional Pocketpool Player


Joined: 14 Dec 2002
Posts: 11249

PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 6:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ugh, it was 4ish I guess?

Mattay, I had several smokes, I nodded off out in the smoke room even, I couldn't be bothered to walk 40 feet to my room
_________________
Anal sex is a lot like eating spinach, if you're forced to do it as a kid you wont enjoy it properly as an adult
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Affen
Freedom Runner


Joined: 19 Sep 2008
Posts: 2044

PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 6:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shit happens, but in the cases when it doesn't happen I've found dried fruits are your friend.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
UghRochester
Fattest Jedi Around


Joined: 05 Jun 2006
Posts: 6968

PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Icepick wrote:
Ugh, it was 4ish I guess?
Morning or evening. I can see why she would call the cops in the morning. The again, different states, different laws.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Icepick
Professional Pocketpool Player


Joined: 14 Dec 2002
Posts: 11249

PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

UghRochester wrote:
Icepick wrote:
Ugh, it was 4ish I guess?
Morning or evening. I can see why she would call the cops in the morning. The again, different states, different laws.


evening, she's just a cunt who feels the whole world needs to cater to her

Also I forgot to tell the tale of Dr. Sausages for fingers and the rectal rape exam, honest to god the worst week of my life
_________________
Anal sex is a lot like eating spinach, if you're forced to do it as a kid you wont enjoy it properly as an adult


Last edited by Icepick on Thu Oct 18, 2012 6:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Sightless



Joined: 23 Jul 2010
Posts: 1210

PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 5:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Toast is a good way to get the things you need, or some cereals, if you like. Fruits and vegetables are also excellent. A good amount of water intake is also useful in making everything move more smoothly. I'm glad your horror week is over. Let's hope it stays the worst week of your life.
_________________
I sprinkle sand into the waters of night. The grains burn as they fall, reminding me of another in times long passed away. I watched him even then as he fell, his face undefeated, his eyes still proud.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
spartan317



Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Posts: 596

PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

goddamn it icepick I almost choked reading this...

Also you are not alone sir. They are dark days indeed... I've broken bones that hurt less than what you describe so succinctly
_________________
Icepick wrote:
Once she let me stick it in her ass I left her, I accomplished what I wanted
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Rainemaida
Beatnik


Joined: 14 Jun 2003
Posts: 10662

PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

<3
_________________


UghRochester wrote:
Is The Pirate Bay free? Anyways, I don't have cable. My internet service is Comcast.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address
UghRochester
Fattest Jedi Around


Joined: 05 Jun 2006
Posts: 6968

PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 3:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Icepick wrote:
UghRochester wrote:
Ugh, it was 4ish I guess?
Also I forgot to tell the tale of Dr. Sausages for fingers and the rectal rape exam, honest to god the worst week of my life

haha
_________________


Last edited by UghRochester on Fri Oct 19, 2012 4:06 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MattAY
Posh B**tard


Joined: 02 Mar 2006
Posts: 12266

PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Icepick wrote:
Also I forgot to tell the tale of Dr. Sausages for fingers and the rectal rape exam, honest to god the worst week of my life


I bet he's got a beautiful wife.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
maca2kx
The Hammer of Ban


Joined: 24 Jul 2002
Posts: 10786

PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2012 11:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great read.

As for diet, I find that dried fruit (prunes are the obvious ones but really raisins, dried apricots and any other dried fruits do the job) do the job. A few months back I had a sudden urge to eat dried fruit. I was regular as clockwork but I turned into a high velocity hose when snacking on apricots. I don't know how I got the underside of the seat but I'm pretty sure that's proof of effect.
_________________
Stuff to read
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
used44



Joined: 08 Mar 2002
Posts: 20794

PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2012 12:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hahaha yuuuuck
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Game Revolution Forum Index -> Misc All times are GMT - 7 Hours
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum