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How laughing will net you a week long suspension from work

 
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Icepick
Professional Pocketpool Player


Joined: 14 Dec 2002
Posts: 11250

PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 6:41 pm    Post subject: How laughing will net you a week long suspension from work Reply with quote

So, my job sucks, the pay is shit, the hours long, the coworkers retarded. There's a small group of sane people who huddle together, and the rest 140 or so employees are dumb as bricks or somehow think they're important to the company while really contributing nothing. One sped we'll name Eric, Eric thinks he's hot shit in a champagne glass, when really he's cold diarrhea in a dixie cup. He wears a suit to a minimum wage desk job, proclaims to everyone he will be future management (despite working there for 4 years and in 4 months I've moved beyond entry level and he still is stuck in there)

Eric also spends the rest of his day complaining to management about anyone and everyone, all the while bragging about his girlfriend, a coworker who at one time was cute, but years of being catered to has left her with the dreaded gut cunt, or gunt if you will. We decided to get back at him, and Josh our lovable hefty coworker hasn't been laid in a while, clearly Gunt and Josh needed to knock boots. I arranged the scheduling so Eric's training would take him till midnight, and gave Gunt, Josh and a few of our colleagues an early night, to the bar we go, and literally in 3 drinks Gunt was blowing Josh out back, when Eric finally arrived. In a fit of threats and tears he left, Josh told Gunt to GTFO as well, and we enjoyed our evening ignoring the fact we just partook in childish high-school drama.

The next day Josh was let go due to complaints from another coworker about behavior towards him. Josh was pretty devastated, and by that he laughed, he'll make as much on unemployment as we do, but he can sit around all day fucking Gunt.

Even though we technically started this, we felt we had to get even, and if classic office/university movies have taught me anything, they only way to break even is to use exlax. I'm not sure on what the effective dose is, but apparently 6 tablets in a coffee left unattended is too many. Our work bathrooms are actually in another office, which closes after 6, it's a long walk to the next serviceable location, the time to strike was now.

A clearly audible stomach grumble, sounding akin to a dying calf announced that stage 2 of the plan was in effect, Eric cursed, left his work station unattended (which is against company policy and part of my weekly review notes) and ran, ran like the wind, nearly knocking over a preggo girl in the process. I went out for a smoke break with a few friends and came back to Eric waiting at the main entrance, teary eyed and beat red. Apparently he forgot his swipe card to gain access inside, being the dutiful employee I am, I advised him to look at the sign on the right, that says no entry without a security card, Eric than punched me square in the chest.

Before I had a chance to complain, or retaliate, the smell hit me, a god awful smell of shame and digested mac and cheese, I calmly and discreetly yelled "what the fuck did you shit yourself?", Eric threatened to remove some limb, I can't recall which, as he waddled past me, and thats when I barreled over laughing, it was a bad day to wear khakis, and it wasn't something discreet either, it chose the right leg as it's highway out of his pants and left a long, horrid, chunky smear down the leg to a small pool at his ankle/inside his shoe.

Eager to help my fellow employee in a difficulty situation, I broke down laughing, literally rolling o the floor laughing, as everyone else looked on and poor Eric waddled slowly to grab his coat, leaving a shit stain wherever his right foot landed.

Long story short he called HR and said I handled it poorly, although they too were laughing at they read out the report he filed, all in all I get a week off, what shall I do friends?
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De-Ting
Formerly Known as Prince


Joined: 11 Nov 2006
Posts: 8048

PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man, you and feces. It's a good thing you like them, because they seem to make up most of your social life. Razz
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Chris_Crime



Joined: 18 Mar 2007
Posts: 3806

PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 7:01 pm    Post subject: Re: How laughing will net you a week long suspension from wo Reply with quote

Icepick wrote:
Long story short he called HR and said I handled it poorly


dat dry delivery



Icepick wrote:
what shall I do friends?

post dog pics

edited by your friendly neighborhood moderating team

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яёvоlт


Last edited by Chris_Crime on Tue Mar 12, 2013 11:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Mod-Chip
Senior Idler


Joined: 26 Dec 2001
Posts: 7380

PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will never be the voice of reason around here, but poisoning a co-worker because you don't like him...way to go. Rolling Eyes
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Chris_Crime



Joined: 18 Mar 2007
Posts: 3806

PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mod-Chip wrote:
I will never be the voice of reason around here, but poisoning a co-worker because you don't like him...way to go. Rolling Eyes

post cat pics

edited by your friendly neighborhood moderating team

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яёvоlт


Last edited by Chris_Crime on Tue Mar 12, 2013 11:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Icepick
Professional Pocketpool Player


Joined: 14 Dec 2002
Posts: 11250

PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

you fuck strangers you met online, I make people shit their pants, let society judge who's creepier and who's more comedic
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UghRochester
Fattest Jedi Around


Joined: 05 Jun 2006
Posts: 7167

PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 11:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shit happens.
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madster111
The Original Pie Lover


Joined: 04 Jun 2006
Posts: 6356

PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 12:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh, see this was the kind've thread i needed. Get home from a long-ass day of working and driving, get on GR and see a story - i almost TL;DR'd but ended up reading it, and i'm glad i did. That laugh was a good one.

And then i scrolled down and saw chris' posts and laughed even harder.

Thanks guys.

Also,
Mod-Chip wrote:
I will never be the voice of reason around here, but poisoning a co-worker because you don't like him...way to go. Rolling Eyes

Every party needs a pooper, that's why they invited you.
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MattAY
Posh B**tard


Joined: 02 Mar 2006
Posts: 12495

PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pffffft-hahahahahaha! The Hangover guys should write a film about you.

PS - you are also a bellend!
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Mod-Chip
Senior Idler


Joined: 26 Dec 2001
Posts: 7380

PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Icepick wrote:
you fuck strangers you met online, I make people shit their pants, let society judge who's creepier and who's more comedic


One is illegal and one isn't. I'll take my chances. Smile
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Eyebrowsbvv31



Joined: 02 Jul 2012
Posts: 6

PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Drugs are bad

And BBK is a fucking sandy vagina
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Eyebrowsbv31
xXRaNd_PaUl_420Xx


Joined: 24 Nov 2005
Posts: 2842

PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 9:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eyebrowsbvv31 wrote:
Drugs are bad

And BBK is a fucking sandy vagina


Drugs are quite useful, and should be legal.

BBK is a fucking sandy vagina though, along with urbs.
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UrbanMasque
Don't Feed Him


Joined: 16 May 2007
Posts: 6319

PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 9:11 am    Post subject: Re: How laughing will net you a week long suspension from wo Reply with quote

Icepick wrote:
all the while bragging about his girlfriend, a coworker who at one time was cute, but years of being catered to has left her with the dreaded gut cunt, or gunt if you will.


[picture needed]
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Shaft wrote:
I let her come up with the safe word...thats about it

De-Ting wrote:
One-on-one brings out the true nazi in people.

WickedLiquid wrote:
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Icepick
Professional Pocketpool Player


Joined: 14 Dec 2002
Posts: 11250

PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 9:15 am    Post subject: Re: How laughing will net you a week long suspension from wo Reply with quote

UrbanMasque wrote:
Icepick wrote:
all the while bragging about his girlfriend, a coworker who at one time was cute, but years of being catered to has left her with the dreaded gut cunt, or gunt if you will.


[picture needed]




I don't have one of her, if I started sneaking pictures of coworkers I'd be as creepy as BBK
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UrbanMasque
Don't Feed Him


Joined: 16 May 2007
Posts: 6319

PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 9:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

of the gunt in reference.
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Shaft wrote:
I let her come up with the safe word...thats about it

De-Ting wrote:
One-on-one brings out the true nazi in people.

WickedLiquid wrote:
Today I got a restraining order from John Stamos.
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spartan317



Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Posts: 596

PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 8:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Someday Icepick you will come home and there will be a fat bowl, six pack in the fridge and a "massage therapist" all waiting to give you a happy end to your day...

This will be my thanks to you for making this day bearable...
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Icepick wrote:
Once she let me stick it in her ass I left her, I accomplished what I wanted
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daverabbit



Joined: 02 Oct 2008
Posts: 394

PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 9:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was better then an episode of Workaholics.
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LinksOcarina
The Anti-Fanboy


Joined: 08 Nov 2005
Posts: 11659

PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2013 12:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I say go out and explore the world.

Travel somewhere for a day. And try not to murder stupid people.
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Master_Craig
i liek to draw pictures


Joined: 02 Jul 2006
Posts: 1885

PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2013 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That is a horrible, horrible story.

And I laughed a lot at it.

As for your week off - do something fun and creative. Take some photos. Try some drawing or painting. Maybe this story of yours could be turned into ILLUSTRATIVE FORM? Very Happy
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