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Can You Believe This A****** Gave Two Perfect Scores In A Week?

Posted on Tuesday, June 25 @ 17:00:00 Eastern by

Dear readers,

When we published two 5/5 reviews earlier this month, I was defensive, even before clicking "submit" for you and the whole world to see. I was worried that my enthusiasm was mistaken, that I had betrayed GameRevolution's clawing, kicking, spitting, puking dedication to the truth, to the reality of a video game under the microscope in our underground review chamber (seen here).

Why was I afraid? Those reviews represent my honest and uninfluenced opinion, and an opinion can't be wrong—only different—right? I spent the hours necessary playing (weeks leading up to Animal Crossing: New Leaf's review and days with The Last of Us), and my privileged position means I get to form an opinion on a game way ahead of the average consumer. Why the hell should I care what you think? It's my damn opinion.

Still, I felt defensive until Sliverstorm searched the depths of archival GR material to drop this wisdom on me:

You can't rip an amazing game just for the hell of it. Sort of defeats the purpose of telling the truth. And the truth is, some of these games actually are in fact amazing.

Thank you, Sliverstorm. Your comment reminded me of the undeniable truth in opinion. We form words and thoughts based on our experiences, and my experience has been shitty game after shitty game, until finally an awesome one pops up. Even the mediocre or great-but-not-excellent games feel like speed bumps until you finally reach that one truly fantastic experience.

Then the words spill out like ice cubes tumbling out of a pitcher prematurely. Stay in that pitcher, cubes! You gotta keep that shit cold! Enthusiasm in writing a review is forgetting key elements while feverishly pounding out the glorious song of praise you've had in your head since putting the controller down. Unfortunately, I can't be so enthusiastic about everything.

Sometimes I think things suck! Sometimes I think the controls are bad, and the experience isn't entertaining or approachable enough to warrant a recommendation. Sometimes I think games are just cheap, poorly planned cash-ins that need to be thrown in the recycling bin. (Remember! Reduce, reuse, recycle!)

Every day I bow in front of the poster of Putin wearing that Superbowl ring or whatever this week's Comrade idol is at the GR offices and say thank you for my position. What's more, I hope my fondness for the community here escapes this sarcastic mask. All of which brings me to my final point about experience and reality.

On more than one occasion, someone has said something about me selectively over-scoring Assassin's Creed III. Our site was even featured in an ACIII TV spot, as many readers informed me later. I'm a self-proclaimed AC fanboy, so let me cut you off right here. I have ALWAYS been honest with you about this fact. I loved that game and more specifically my experience, my only reliable sense of the "reality of Assassin's Creed III," was one with very few unintrusive bugs and a satisfying sense of conclusion to the whole Desmond... mistake storyline. Plus, there was a ton of different things to do in the game. (Besides I mean, c'mon they explain that bugs are all part of the Animus and you struggling to accurately recall your genetic memories... c'mon guys, it's right there in the first game).

I've seen the bugs and I know that they're terrible, but if you're a gamer, you can relate to my feelings about Assassin's Creed III, or any number of lovable, yet fallible, games in the past 30+ years. If your experience was similar to any of these reviews, your experience with each title sucked and you should just stop playing games:
  • "Jee, I sure thought Ocarina of Time was great, but I just can't get past that Water Temple...." 7.5/10
  • "Grand Theft Auto IV is huge, open, and jarringly realistic in physics and animations, but fuck all these friends calling me to explore obscure and interactive parts of the map." 6.0/10
  • "The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past is haunting, genre-defining, and gorgeous, but where are the side-scroller dungeons?" 6.5/10
  • "Half-Life 2 is great and all, but I mean, Half-Life 3 will be even better." 4.0/10
Excuuuuuse me, princess. I didn't know awesome stuff could be misconstrued as shit in your cereal. I have no sense of right or wrong or good or evil or integrity or sensitivity. I am not a moral figure. I play video games and tell people if my experience was good or not. That's all I do. I think I'm right most* of the time.

The 5/5 looks perfect, but there's a double-secret, nobody knows, nobody cares A+/5 that will never be awarded.

K, I'm gonna go play games now, bye!

Daniel Bischoff

*You need a statistic to understand what "most" means?

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