F the CC
Posted on Friday, February 29 @ 23:53:11 Eastern by Murrow
GR's access to the world's angriest undercover reporter continues. We can't tell you where he works, but we can let him expose the system from within. Murrow speaks:
Fun facts for those of you looking to get into the Mainstream American News Media:
#1: Psychiatric care, as opposed to (haha) health care, is 100% usually covered for up to 5 (sometimes more) appointments. If you or a family member happens to have a non-mental emergency, well, "we'll see what the insurance company can do." But never forget that bigass corporations buy insurance in bulk.
#2: There are no drug tests. As long as you are a 'functioning addict' and can hide it well, you're fine. I've never been asked to take any test of any kind that checks for narcotics or alcohol. However, if you show up with wild eyes screaming about "bat country," that might pose a problem - but it doesn't mean you'll get fired. I've seen worse.
#3: If you have some semblance of an education, can program flash, css, php, html, understand Photoshop and/or any combination of the above and know more about the internet than the aging bosses, you can probably get in. Being young and adept is an asset. "You kids and your internets, get off my porch…" And so on and so forth.
Now, as for #'s 1 and 2, those are flat-out hilarious and a sad truth for one reason: professional journalism turns thinking people into cantankerous insomniacs who should in all likelihood be put away for good.
But I'll talk more about that next time. Tonight, I have a very special guest.
Let's all welcome to the stage the Sultan of Censorship, the Raper of Rational Thinking, the Maniac Magnate of Mainstream Media! Ladies and germs, put your various appendages together for The Federal Communications Commission!
[The FCC hobbles out onto the set, weakly raising its hand to wave at the audience]
Murrow: Good to have you, FCC.
FCC: Good to be here.
Murrow: Do you mind if I cuss? This show can be a bit raunchy.
FCC: Well, that depends. If you're being broadcast over the airwaves, and the public doesn't have to pay for the program, then I'm afraid not. If you did, we would have to fine you pretty heavily.
[Murrow nods and reaches for a cigarette]
[Murrow pulls the match away from his cigarette]
FCC: Look, if you start smoking on broadcast TV, well, hey, I'm going to have a bunch of letters from concerned parents and Christians and maybe there will be a couple Jewish folks thrown in for good measure.
Murrow: Oh, it's OK, we're cable and nobody watches us anyway. [Murrow lights cigarette] And it's not like I'm doing something like showing a cartoon of the prophet Mohammed or anything. [audience laughs nervously] Go on, FCC.
FCC: Well, if it's 'premium cable' - channels people have to pay for in addition to paying for basic cable, like HBO or Showtime - there isn't anything we can really do to you. Unless, of course, you showed a penis…you know…going into a vagina.
Murrow: Can I drink?
FCC: Oh, please do. Have a Bud! They buy a lot of advertising time.
Murrow: I was thinking whiskey, but, er, how long have you been around, FCC? You must have seen a lot of crazy [CONTENT EDITED]
Murrow: Hey, I thought I was on cable?
[FCC reaches for bottle of whiskey]
FCC: Whelp, we started changing a few things when you weren't looking. It was magic…and look at the time! No, it's over there! Anyway, I was born in 1934. I took over for my older brother, the Federal Radio Commission. I learned a lot from him. Heck, the 1934 Communications Act, which is my Bible, or Torah, or Koran - gotta be PC, amirite? - is basically the same as my brother's 1927 Radio Act. But for good reason. We wanted to keep communications DECENT.
Murrow: So calling you a [CONTENT DELETED] wouldn't go over well?
FCC: Oh my, not at all. See, there are a few things you need to understand, Mr. Murrow. While America wasn't technically founded on Christian ideals - The 1797 Treaty Of Tripoli explicitly states that America is a secular nation, and the The Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom guarantees that 'God' won't ever be forced on Americans - arguably the largest voting bloc in this country is comprised of Fundamental and Evangelical Christians.
Murrow: You mean the cats who are totally into the end times and rapture and all that.
FCC: Yes. I mean, thank heavens you aren't black! If they thought a black man was on the air saying the things you're saying, oh my, I don't want to think about how many letters I would be getting.
Murrow: But I'm…
FCC: Shush. Where was I? I get very confused sometimes. Oooh, fun fact, did you know that America comes in second only to Iran in regards to how many people believe in evolution? The only country that has fewer people who believe in evolution is Iran! How funny is that?
[Murrow stares blankly into the camera and reaches for a bottle of Jack Daniel's]
FCC: Anyway. Those are the people who vote and who write me letters. Nobody else writes me letters. If other people wrote me letters, I might consider possibly maybe looking at them. But it would have to be quite a lot of letters. I don't get many unless nipples are involved. Sometimes a butt. See, what we consider to be "obscene" or "indecent" gets kind of hazy sometimes.
Murrow: OK, so our censorship values, in regards to what you think people shouldn't see, is Puritanical.
FCC: But I love boobies. I can't stop talking about them. The conservatives can't stop talking about… filthy things either.
[FCC takes a drink of whiskey]
Murrow: …Yeah…yeah, makes you wonder if they're maybe a little repressed and possibly more perverted than I am.
FCC: [moans] So… filthy…
Murrow: [coughs] But I hear you're also the man to see about broadcast licenses.
FCC: Hm? What? Oh, yes! What we do is auction off a chunk of the Earth's radio spectrum for use by media outlets for TV and radio communications. Tends to be pricey.
Murrow: Some say that you, as a regulatory unit, make it infinitely too hard for anyone in the public - someone not incorporated - to access the spectrum and use what technically belongs to the people.
FCC: If the people can't afford it, the people can't afford it. What do I look like, a charity?
Murrow: Well, shouldn't the people own what they own?
FCC: Listen, it's an AUCTION. I'm not stopping them from buying.
Murrow: But you aren't helping them really in any capacity at all…
FCC: Next question!
Murrow: O…K - After February 17, 2009, there will be no such thing as an analog signal in the United States. People with older TV's will be forced to get cable or satellite TV or buy an expensive digital decoder box.
[FCC takes a drink]
FCC: We're doing that to clear space for government and military use of the radio spectrum.
Murrow: Right, but since you were created to regulate the radio spectrum, then won't your policing of communications become moot? Should it be left to the people or even the cable companies?
FCC: Who the [CONTENT DELETED] do you think you are? You think we aren't watching all the time? Yes, this basically forces people to get cable or satellite - so? Now you [CONTENT DELETED] have another monthly bill. Deal with it. But we'll be watching. Watching our inbox for any sign of a distressed religious person.
Murrow: We'll be…
FCC: It doesn't change a [CONTENT DELETED] thing. We have nipple radar, you know. And internet, hoo boy [CONTENT DELETED] we are coming for you.
Murrow: We'll be right back after a few words from our sponsors.
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