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Fishing Resort Hands-off, Fact-free Preview

Posted on Friday, September 2 @ 14:47:02 PST by Heath_Hindman

XSeed Games will release Fishing Resort for the Wii in September in North America, or at least I think I remember hearing that. I'm not 100% sure, and I won't be, because this preview is completely hands-off and research-free. Not only am I keeping up with most game journalists by not checking facts, I'm probably actually right. I feel like I can give you a good idea of what to expect from a fishing game without working too hard. And if there's one thing I love, it's not working hard.

The object of Fishing Resort is for players to locate a long stick or pole with a string attached to it, put a hook and something that appears to be food on the end of it, throw it into some water a good distance away, and passive-aggressively convince a fish that it should try and eat whatever plastic you have affixed to your marine deathtrap. If you want to take it up a notch, you can put a real dead thing at the end like a fly or a worm, so the fish gets some reward if it bests you and your equipment.

Gauntlet thrown down, fish will often take you up on your challenge. It's then you and your thousands of dollars worth of boats, rods, lures, lines, sonar, and tackle boxes against a big mouth bass in a fair fight that will determine who is the real king of the lake. Why do they call it a big mouth bass? Because he needs to shut the fuck up and stop swimmin' around my lake like he owns the place. Nothing will do that better than driving a steel hook into his mouth and his family never seeing him again. Then we all do the U-S-A chant.

Are big mouth bass the ones that eat some of their kids right after they hatch? Or is that sharks? Well, I can't answer that question, but two things are for sure: 1) Fishing Resort can answer that question and, 2) Fuck sharks. Whales are badass amounts of cool though. Plus they're not fish. I know that without looking it up.

The Wiimote will be an integral part of Fishing Resort, as players will use it to cast their lines out and reel in fish. I am sure that buttons will be used, but I don't know which ones. I knew a lady who fished off the shore along a river while wearing bright yellow sweatpants. She never caught anything because that's a retarded gameplan. Yellow sweatpants are not available as equippable items in Fishing Resort for this reason.

The best fish I ever had in my life was on the Japanese island of Yakushima. I stayed at Ken's Minshuku where sometimes for dinner, they serve Yakiniku flying fish. Yeah, flying fish that you grill yourself. Hands down best fish I've ever eaten.

Fishing can be done from a boat, solo or with an grandfather you never really connected with. I was at my brother's graduation party and my mom showed me this guy and asked "Do you recognize him?" And he was all "Hey buddy!" And I was like "Umm...can't say I do." He goes, "I'm your grandpa!" He wanted a hug but screw that, I was like 20 and seeing this cat for the first time in my conscious memory. He apparently only lived like an hour away and was doing well in both health and finance, so no, I'm not going to just up and hug you after two decades of you not giving a shit. Where were you during my graduation party two years earlier, "gramps?" No way was I gonna up and go fishing with this guy either.

Buy Fishing Resort for the Wii.

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