GR Mailbag: And The Winner Is...!

The response to last week's Insult Contest was overwhelming. It brought tears to our eyes for all sorts of reasons. If it weren't for the fact that we are rubber and you're all glue, we don't know what shape we'd be in.

We've included, for your reading pleasure, a collection of the more, ahem, colorful insults. We suggest washing with a strong disinfectant after allowing your eyes to scan the following ramblings.

This is a contest after all, and we had an excruciating time trying to pick a winner. But pick one we did.

Congrats, Mr. Shamburger. Your incredibly long rant, while quite possibly plagiarized, is nonetheless an impressive diatribe. A PC game is on the way. You truly made us feel terrible. Up yours!

From: "David Champlin" (*****@central.sun.com)


Subject: insult
I would just like to say that you gentlemen(women?) are 
most pathetic group of half-witted, malodorous, 
vermin-ridden, pile of rotted fecal matter that I have 
ever had the misfortune to come in contact with on the 
face of this planet. Your kind really sends the bile 
gushing up my esophagus, you incestuous baboon fleas! 
I CURSE the day that you nameless bastard sons(daughters?) 
of a cabbage came up with the idiotic notion of putting 
your silly so-called GAME REVOLUTION on the web. It reaks 
like the downwind side of a sewage treatment plant in the 
August heat. You people couldn't put together an online 
magazine if it came already assembled, O masters of the 
putrified, jungle rotted groin(those are the only words 
that come close to describing your magazine). And...
and...you...you suck too! Yea...Now give me a playstation 
2 or I shall TAUNT YOU A SECOND TIME, you 
wappers of other people's bottoms!
PS Actually, GR is awesome!

From: "John Hoang" (******@comsearch.com)


Subject: insult contest
Hi Guys (I think),
Your web site is a failed attempt at witty game reviews but is 
really a bunch of immature adults who can't get a real job at 
some other dot com start up. What's more, the reviewers make up 
third grade names like G-Wok, or Dr. Moo. I assume that most of 
you are Asian since after all, this is computer-related. I 
especially like the clip-art icons that my little brother can 
cut and paste on his notebook.
The reviews contain various smirks and referrals to pop culture. 
I came to read about a game, not sit in on Margaret Cho's 
rendition of Soul Calibur. Your attempts at humor are about as 
successful as Louie Anderson at a Jenny Craig. I feel like I'm 
reading Chris Rock meets Steve Case (AOL for you morons) and 
their ugly love child is Janine Garafolo. I especially like the 
Virtua Tennis review by Dr. Moo (Dr. Who?) where the corny play 
on words made me want to beat my cat. That made me very upset 
(ha!).
Finally after all that bantering, I hope your sorry little 
"i-wish-i-were-working-at-a-real-dot-com-startup-and-my-parents-
think-im-a-fuck-up-because-i-play-videogames-all-day-long" butts 
clean up your act and do some real reviews like your competitors.

From: "Ben Goldberg" (******@nebi.com)


Subject: Ahhh... the intellect is flowing!
Allright. Here goes. 
Egotistical, mal-nourished, always dies at that stupid first 
goomba on Mario Brothers, swing-less, uncultured, says 'how did 
you do THAT?!' when sees a braver, illiterate, monkey-faced, 
Chionaki: Great Brother lovin, can't-hit-the-broadside-of-
broadside-with-a-laser-rifer aim, Game-boy Colorless, 
nerfhearding, Wild Arms dissing, sucks-at-Sonic, got beat by 
all the official mags (seperately), Coconut Monkey worshiping, 
'What's Lag mean?' sayers, multi-tap using, Japanese 
influenceless, doesn't read Tolkien, Cave/Milk man avatar 
using, can't-write-a-review-for-Armored Core: MOA, Jaguar 
playin', can't-pull-a-900, Lava-lampless, Sims droolin, 
foppish sub-demihuman! Well, not really, I love you guys, 
but perhaps this will give you idiots hope that you don't have 
people besides those sorry, poo-head-calling Mondos that were 
described.
Ben Goldberg

From: "Nightshade_01 aka Monkey Wrench" (*****@altavista.com)

Subject: Bite me!
I think this pitiful excuse for a gaming website fiercely sucks 
flatulent monkey ass, and all its writers should be shot, stabbed, 
maimed, hung, drawn, quartered, disemboweled, and THEN hurt.
If brains were cash, you people couldn't get enough together to 
pay attention.
Your reviews are biased, short-sighted, asinine, idiotic, and above 
all, STUPID. I have just realized that there probably isn't anyone 
on the entire GR staff that has two brain cells to rub together to 
figure out what I just said. So in case that is true, and you cretins 
haven't got the intelligence God gave a rock (after all, you ARE 
from California), then I'll sum it up for you, so as not to strain 
what few brain cells you've got left.
YOU SUCK!
The view of the road is much better when you don't 
have your head up your ass.

From: "Josh Shamburger" (******@go.com)

Subject: Ultimate Insult
A message to Game Revolution and anyone who has ever disagreed 
with me about anything:
You swine. You vulgar little maggots. What is that tripe
you call your opinions? What is that scrofulous little tumor you 
call a brain? Don't you know that you are pathetic? 
You worthless bags of filth, you wads of pus. You're cankers. 
Sores that won't go away. I would rather kiss a goat then be seen 
with you. You are putrescent masses, walking vomit. You are spineless 
little worms deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are 
jerks, cads, weasels. Your lives are monuments to stupidity. You are 
stenches, revulsions, big sucks on a sour lemon. 
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same 
species as you. 
You are monsters, ogres. I barf at the very thought of you. You all 
have the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, 
worthless, less than nothing. 
You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I 
mention, you smell? You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. 
You're grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. I have excreted better 
things than you. 
You are foul and disgusting. 
You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. You are a 
waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. 
I would rather bathe with Hitler than speak to you. 
You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, 
a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease. On 
a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. 
You are deficient in all that lends to character. You have the 
personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine 
and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread
misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You are a fiend and a coward and you have bad breath. You are 
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing 
you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would 
go away.
There, I feel better now.

Hello Josh,

We do not have bad breath.

- GR