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GR Mailbag: And The Winner Is...!

Posted on Monday, September 11 @ 12:13:14 PST by Duke_Ferris

The response to last week's Insult Contest was overwhelming. It brought tears to our eyes for all sorts of reasons. If it weren't for the fact that we are rubber and you're all glue, we don't know what shape we'd be in.

We've included, for your reading pleasure, a collection of the more, ahem, colorful insults. We suggest washing with a strong disinfectant after allowing your eyes to scan the following ramblings.

This is a contest after all, and we had an excruciating time trying to pick a winner. But pick one we did.

Congrats, Mr. Shamburger. Your incredibly long rant, while quite possibly plagiarized, is nonetheless an impressive diatribe. A PC game is on the way. You truly made us feel terrible. Up yours!

Not The Winner!
From: "David Champlin" (*****@central.sun.com)


Subject: insult I would just like to say that you gentlemen(women?) are most pathetic group of half-witted, malodorous, vermin-ridden, pile of rotted fecal matter that I have ever had the misfortune to come in contact with on the face of this planet. Your kind really sends the bile gushing up my esophagus, you incestuous baboon fleas! I CURSE the day that you nameless bastard sons(daughters?) of a cabbage came up with the idiotic notion of putting your silly so-called GAME REVOLUTION on the web. It reaks like the downwind side of a sewage treatment plant in the August heat. You people couldn't put together an online magazine if it came already assembled, O masters of the putrified, jungle rotted groin(those are the only words that come close to describing your magazine). And... and...you...you suck too! Yea...Now give me a playstation 2 or I shall TAUNT YOU A SECOND TIME, you wappers of other people's bottoms! PS Actually, GR is awesome!
Nope, Not The Winner, Either!
From: "John Hoang" (******@comsearch.com)


Subject: insult contest Hi Guys (I think), Your web site is a failed attempt at witty game reviews but is really a bunch of immature adults who can't get a real job at some other dot com start up. What's more, the reviewers make up third grade names like G-Wok, or Dr. Moo. I assume that most of you are Asian since after all, this is computer-related. I especially like the clip-art icons that my little brother can cut and paste on his notebook. The reviews contain various smirks and referrals to pop culture. I came to read about a game, not sit in on Margaret Cho's rendition of Soul Calibur. Your attempts at humor are about as successful as Louie Anderson at a Jenny Craig. I feel like I'm reading Chris Rock meets Steve Case (AOL for you morons) and their ugly love child is Janine Garafolo. I especially like the Virtua Tennis review by Dr. Moo (Dr. Who?) where the corny play on words made me want to beat my cat. That made me very upset (ha!). Finally after all that bantering, I hope your sorry little "i-wish-i-were-working-at-a-real-dot-com-startup-and-my-parents- think-im-a-fuck-up-because-i-play-videogames-all-day-long" butts clean up your act and do some real reviews like your competitors.
Still Not The Winner!
From: "Ben Goldberg" (******@nebi.com)


Subject: Ahhh... the intellect is flowing! Allright. Here goes. Egotistical, mal-nourished, always dies at that stupid first goomba on Mario Brothers, swing-less, uncultured, says 'how did you do THAT?!' when sees a braver, illiterate, monkey-faced, Chionaki: Great Brother lovin, can't-hit-the-broadside-of- broadside-with-a-laser-rifer aim, Game-boy Colorless, nerfhearding, Wild Arms dissing, sucks-at-Sonic, got beat by all the official mags (seperately), Coconut Monkey worshiping, 'What's Lag mean?' sayers, multi-tap using, Japanese influenceless, doesn't read Tolkien, Cave/Milk man avatar using, can't-write-a-review-for-Armored Core: MOA, Jaguar playin', can't-pull-a-900, Lava-lampless, Sims droolin, foppish sub-demihuman! Well, not really, I love you guys, but perhaps this will give you idiots hope that you don't have people besides those sorry, poo-head-calling Mondos that were described. Ben Goldberg
Another Non-Winner!
From: "Nightshade_01 aka Monkey Wrench" (*****@altavista.com)

Subject: Bite me! I think this pitiful excuse for a gaming website fiercely sucks flatulent monkey ass, and all its writers should be shot, stabbed, maimed, hung, drawn, quartered, disemboweled, and THEN hurt. If brains were cash, you people couldn't get enough together to pay attention. Your reviews are biased, short-sighted, asinine, idiotic, and above all, STUPID. I have just realized that there probably isn't anyone on the entire GR staff that has two brain cells to rub together to figure out what I just said. So in case that is true, and you cretins haven't got the intelligence God gave a rock (after all, you ARE from California), then I'll sum it up for you, so as not to strain what few brain cells you've got left. YOU SUCK! The view of the road is much better when you don't have your head up your ass.
At Last, The Winner!
From: "Josh Shamburger" (******@go.com)
Subject: Ultimate Insult A message to Game Revolution and anyone who has ever disagreed with me about anything: You swine. You vulgar little maggots. What is that tripe you call your opinions? What is that scrofulous little tumor you call a brain? Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bags of filth, you wads of pus. You're cankers. Sores that won't go away. I would rather kiss a goat then be seen with you. You are putrescent masses, walking vomit. You are spineless little worms deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are jerks, cads, weasels. Your lives are monuments to stupidity. You are stenches, revulsions, big sucks on a sour lemon. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are monsters, ogres. I barf at the very thought of you. You all have the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention, you smell? You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You're grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. I have excreted better things than you. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. I would rather bathe with Hitler than speak to you. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends to character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You are a fiend and a coward and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. There, I feel better now.

Hello Josh,

We do not have bad breath.

- GR

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