Update: I was unfortunately not aware of Shamus Young's severe criticism of Fallout 3 available here to link in the original piece and I regret that. It dovetails rather nicely with what I've written and it's much better executed than my piece. I strongly recommend anyone...
From: "DREW" (***@aol.com)
Subject: Game Revolution?? I think not
You need to go back to grammar school because your reviews
of games are not only way past a game's release date, but
often do not make much sense.
Sorry that our little sovereign
nation of gaming brilliance does not meet with your approval. But to
our credit, we must say that out of the five work days each week, we
make perfect sense on at least four of them. Mondays suck.
Drew, what makes absolutely
no sense is Shawn's wife hiring a Feng Shui expert to help her
divine just how she should arrange the computer room in order to maximize
the flow of positive Chi. Mind you, all of this is supposed to
ensure a higher kill/death ratio on her favorite Counter-Strike
Yep, she plays games. A girl.
Again, no sense.
And How Does That Make You Feel?
From: "james mcechron" (***@hotmail.com)
Subject: please help me
i am 16 years old. i just recently got a new computer,
top of the line and everything. But im having a problem:
the magic is gone. i remember waiting eagerly for games
to come out, and loving every screenshot i could possibly
dig up. i remember begging for demo's and talking to friends
about upcoming releases. the problem is, it just doesnt
excite me anymore. i dont feel excited about games like max
payne and duke nukem forever, and i dont care if i get to
play operation flashpoint or music generator 2. i just dont
feel the thrill anymore. i dont get excited about release
dates, or playing games late in to the night. i really want
some help here and i dont know who else to turn to.
it is really bumming me out.
video games are what i have.
please, tell me how to get the magic back before its too late.
-a fellow video gamer
We've been getting more and
more letters sent by readers who have strayed from the path. Is there
anything sadder than gamers who have been lulled away from the flock
by the evils of literature, physical activity and healthy eating?
We recommend therapy. No,
not that wimpy kind of therapy your girlfriend wants to drag you to
because she feels you're "just not communicating well enough"
(assuming you actually hear that kind of crap while you're busy doing
something important like playing SSX).
We mean hardcore game therapy.
Start off with a few hours
Counterstrike. A good frag or two always gets the gaming blood boiling.
Next, pop in Black
& White and smack your creature around for NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER.
Cruel? Sure, but therapy is all about sacrifice. Top it all off by drinking
heavily while staring at pictures of Neverwinter
Nights. We know you want it.
If the magic is still gone,
then may we suggest this?
How Many Geeks Does it Take To...
From: "Zeah" (***@aol.com)
Subject: Am I a geek?
Hi, I used to collect comics. Then I noticed everyone
who collects comics is a geek. So I switched to video
games. Now I notice that most "gamers" are geeks too.
Am i being too critical or does this mean that I am
also a geek.?
"Am i being too critical or does this mean that I am also a geek?"
But don't fret too much.
There's nothing wrong with being a geek. However, there is
something wrong with being a big supersized Klingon-speaking Troglodyte
Wanna feel better? Try telling
a fellow comic book geek that you know someone who thinks Captain America
can beat Wolverine. Then tell a fellow gaming geek that you know a guy
who says FFVIII is a much better game than FFVII. Now
lock these guys in a room together and watch the geek-sweat fly!
When it's all over, we can
assure that your geek rating will drop considerably and you'll feel
like a million bucks, er, zennie, ER, gold coins.
From: "???" (***@localhost)
Subject: Hello, Do you have eny emplument oppertunites
How may I get a job to write for your site?
Well, after reading that
subject line, we suggest the following:
- Borrowing Gandalf's magic
- Beating up Aladdin and taking his lamp.
- Crossing your fingers.
- Praying to the deity of your choice.
and most importantly
- Learning how to spell-check.
P.S. But do you really want
to work for these guys
What Do You Need Us For?
From: Joseph D. Myers II (***@bellsouth.net)
Subject: The Missing Solid Snake
I enjoy reading your site; recieving the latest video game news,
but I must say I was looking forward to reading a review of the
MGS2 demo. I play it like a mad man, and have found a few neat
tricks, but have not read any reviews or cheats on your site
concerning this masterpiece. Your efforts on this game would be
greatly appreciated. Thank you
Joseph Myers II
The GR e-mail shredder has
seen more than its fill of letters inquiring about reviews for free
game demos. But we don't review free stuff. Why, you ask?
The purpose of our reviews
is to inform the reader about the quality of the game in question and
whether or not it is worth the money. The Metal Gear Solid 2
demo comes as a free disk when you buy Zone
of the Enders. If a game is free, you shoud not need the GR thumbs-up.
Try it out for yourself.
We can guarantee it won't bite, and, since it's free, is well worth