GR Mailbag: Brandish Those Letter Openers, Boys!
Posted on Monday, April 30 @ 12:13:14 Eastern by Duke_Ferris
|In The Mouth of Madness!|
The GR Surgeon General has deemed the following email to be "Toxic"
and extremely hazardous to one's health. Extended exposure can lead
to cecity, baldness and the brain bursting from the back of one's head.
This letter may also result
in severe defects, such as complete nescience or a compelling urge to
cut off large chunks of flesh. Please avoid if pregnant!
From: "Akab" (***@libero.it)
blank I to want to know as to make in order to have weapons the
much powerful for worms armageddon example bomb banana if launch
she to explode 50 bananas and distruggee all landscape, example
an arm ass, example to talk nonsense with the uzi and to perforate
all the land to hit the worm I to pray you to make to know me as to
find these weapons a lot upgraded thanks
|By the way, this is the finest
letter we've ever received. You get a gold star, arm ass.
|The Life of a Revolutionary|
From: "CoryC" (***@hcis.net)
Subject: I'm A Revolutionary
I'm A Revolutionary! I was wordering what they do. What do u do?
|What's up Cory,
Some revolutionary you are.
What do we do? We revolt
like nobody's business, of course. This
entails loud boisterous picketing, wearing tie-dyes and beating drums,
printing embarrassing newsletters and making signs that say "Down
with this sort of thing!"
Sheesh, what a silly question.
We shall overcome...
|Nothing + Nothing = Nothing!|
From: "michele mclemore" (***@msn.com)
hey could you send me a Rollar Coaster tycoon game not
in the mail on the internet for free not a demo
As mighty as our powers are,
we feel that your request falls outside the laws of physics. Feel free
to contact us again when Star Trek transporters are built into our toasters.
|Eggs, Bacon & "Revge?"|
From: "Luis Domingues" (***@home.com)
Subject: Belgium Gets their Revge
We here at Belgium (makers of cheese and fine proud of it to)
are sicken and tired of ur insults. We have had long, boring
meetings, and came up with a simple answer. Were gonna bomb u
f*ckheads outta the f*ckin sky. Yes Revge is f*cking sweet.
F*ck u all! F*ck u all to Hell!
BTW u guyz kick ass in every OTHER way.
Concerned at first by your
threats, we contacted President Bush about his faith-based
missile defense. However, lacking faith, the GR staff tried some
Turns out that the Belgian
Air Force has loaned it's plane to Canada as part of the psuedo-French
foreign exchange program. You have no ability to bomb anything and your
threats are as thin as your overcooked waffles.
You're just going to have
to get your "Revge" somewhere else.
P.S. We kick ass in every
|PS2 Takes Over The World.|
From: Macuser Paul (***@aol.com)
Subject: Fact...or fiction?
Hey GR. I've been hearing some pretty strange stories from
a lot of strange people, so i feel that it is my job to
inform you of these rumors, and ask of your help to solve
this question crisis. Many people have told me that Sudam
Huasain (forgive the bastards spelling) has purchase hundreds
of PS2's in advance, and has used their chips to guide
missiles. Also, many other countries and militaries are
doing the same. This may sound crazy, or some attempt to
explain the PS2 shortages, but please tell me if this is
true, the rumor has gotten to the "i saw it in the News!!!"
We too saw this curious coverage
on our local news. It's quite terrifying! Or at least it would be if
there was any truth to it.
This silly rumor appears
to have been started by the paranoid, right-wing publication, World
Net Daily. Unfortunately, "legitimate" news channels run
by people who understood too little about computers also picked up the
story and didn't bother to check up on sources. Aside from a slew of
other gaming sites, this bogus story was also reported
by major news networks like NBC. How embarrassing!
It probably all began because
of a brief argument within the Japanese government about whether to
limit exports of the system because of potential military uses. After
a couple days, the whole notion was dropped because it was nonsense.
Besides, nobody ever really
needed to worry. We could kick Saddam's ass at Tekken Tag any
day of the week.
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