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DAILY MANIFESTO

GR Mailbag: Brought To You By The Letter DOH!

Posted on Monday, November 5 @ 12:13:14 Eastern by Duke_Ferris
Man FAQ
From: "Robert J."
Subject: ???
My dad said it is time for me to become a man.
How do I do this?

Hey Robert,

First, find the Elf key behind the waterfall. Then, go to the cliffs and drop the emerald egg into the valley. Now walk back to the palace and open the door on the far left with the Elf key.

You should see a man sitting in a chair mumbling. Talk to man. He will give you a gold coin every time you answer his questions correctly. Answer ten correctly and he'll give you a magic orbstone. Take the magic orbstone and leave the palace. Now go back to the Mountains of Ash where you found the Leather Paddle, +2. Enter the second cave from the left, then proceed forward by following this pattern: Right, Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Down. You should now see a pedastal with a crack in it. Put the orbstone in the crack, watch the golden doors open and enter.

You are now a man! Your stats should increase, though the enemies will be harder, too.

- GR

Bears In The Hood.
From: "sweet jelly nutts"
Subject: ??? duke, you suck so much ass it aint even funny, You seriously need to learn how to write good reviews, how to write reviews period, i'm so pissed when ever i read your sh*t, u suck!! you wouldn't know a good game or movie if it flew up your ass, and spewed monkey sh*t out your nose!! it's one thing to not like a game or movie, but you can't diss the crow. the crow movie is the best, sure the game wasn't so hott, but the movie fu**** rocks!! i'm sorry if they didn't make a game of your fav movie, you know the care bears... so before you go dissing sh** that you aren't partial too, and before hurds of raveshing angry fans try to stab your fat ass why don't you retire, or learn from some of your co-workers who know how to write reviews!! ~love~ sweet jelly nutts

Dear nutts,

The game wasn't SO HOT?! Are you nuts? Er, wait, yeah, that's your name. But really! The Crow was the first and only game to actually make a member of the GR staff go blind. Poor Johnny.

And for the record, anything Crow other than the original official works by James O'Barr has sucked. And this is not up for debate.

What bothers us is your blatant disregard and disrespect toward the Care Bears. As they would have you know, Mr. Nutts, "Caring is Sharing!" So show some respect.

We're all about lovable bears here at GR - Care Bears, Gummi Bears, Paw Paw Bears, Berenstein Bears, Paddington Bear, The Three Little Bears (but not their blonde groupie) - you name it, we got their back!

"...before hurds of raveshing angry fans try to stab your fat ass..."

The word is ravishing! And we would love for a "herd" of "ravishing" female fans to storm the GR compound. I mean, who cares if they're angry so long as they're ravishing, right?

Now "ravaging" fans? That's a whole different story...

- GR

Lightweight!
From: "Jeremy Morton-Maxson" 
Subject: Don't Drink and Game
Dear Unfortunate Mail Reader,
It's very funny to me that all of you at GR talk about
beer and video games. Frankly the two are
incompatible, even dangerous(to your rep.) I have a
little story for all of you who like to have a few
drinks before picking up a controller. A few weekends
back a came home after consuming a large amount of
beer at said party. My friends talked me into a game
of bond. I killed myself with the grenade launcher.
Five times. I learned a very valuable lesson. Alcohol
and video games do not mix. Friends don't let friends
game drunk.

Greetings Teetotaler,

You apparently haven't mastered Drunken Gaming stance. Give yourself a few more years and you'll understand, though your liver might be a little pissy about it.

- GR

P.S. Friends don't let friends game drunk ALONE.

GET OVER HERE...So I Can Draw You a Nice Picture.
From: "***@cs.com"
Subject: mortalkombart
i want this game to play on the net and to download

Hello Mystery Writer,

Mortal Kombart? Now there's a game idea! Finally something interesting to do with all that blood from those fatalities...

- GR

The Home Stretch!
From: "***@aol.com"
Subject: just wondering
what system offers better graphics and of course a 
DVD player Xbox or Gamecube

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber.

Better graphics AND a DVD player? Simple. The Sony Playstation 2. Neither the Gamecube nor the Xbox will play DVDs out of the box.

In the future, you might find other electronic manufacturers pumping out dual Gamecube/DVD players. You probably remember when 3DO and the CDi sold their technology to third party manufacturers like Magnavox and Philips. Nintendo has alluded to a very similar scenario, but nothing is offcial yet.

The Xbox is a bit simpler. It requires a separate DVD Playback Kit in order to play DVDs, which should be available when the system launches.

In the meantime, the PS2 has a working DVD player right out of the box.

Graphically, all three systems have games that serve up serious eye candy. Rogue Leader looks amazing on the Gamecube. Halo on the Xbox looks incredible. Gran Turismo 3 and the upcoming Metal Gear Solid 2 look fantastic.

Don't buy these systems for their graphical capabilities. Buy them for the games.

- GR

Tags:   gr mailbag


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