Update: I was unfortunately not aware of Shamus Young's severe criticism of Fallout 3 available here to link in the original piece and I regret that. It dovetails rather nicely with what I've written and it's much better executed than my piece. I strongly recommend anyone...
From: "Jordan P"
Subject: PS2 reviews... hmm
you guys are a bunch of fags you give all the ps2 games B+....
everywhere (all the credible sites) give them stellar ratings
and this lowly piece of sh*t site says "eh, give it a B+".. GT3,
NBA Street, TTT, and red faction are not B+ material you stupid
For starters, we want to
talk to your mom, because apparently someone forgot to give you your
daily dose of ritalin. You should stay off the caffeine.
I guess our standards are
a bit higher than yours. That's okay - a lot of people like mediocrity.
We never knew that
credibility went hand in hand with "stellar" reviews. Thanks
for the tip!
For now on, we'll just mark
up those B+'s to, say, A+'s! And A-'s will become A++'s! And normal
A's will become unpronounceable symbols! That way, we'll be sure to
maintain our credibility.
Now please get some rest
and let us stupid retards get back to our B+'s.
When Pronouns Attack!
Subject: new thing
why did you change your thing at the top of the review?
To Mystery Writer
Well, the "thing"
was fine until it ate all of the GR attack dogs and started growing
extra eyes, spider legs and tentacles.
In the battle that followed,
the entire GR compound was torn to pieces and reduced to ashes. The
only survivors were Brian and Ben, who were left freezing and terrified.
knowing who to trust, they both sat staring at each other until
the wee hours of the night, each just waiting for the other to grow
a second, more evil head or turn into another freaky monster like Sandra
Bernhard, Rupaul or Microsoft.
So the pair turned to this
guy, who seems to know more about the "thing" than anyone
really should. He suggested that Brian should use his lunch-time snack
drink on the "thing." This "stuff"
is brutal. According to reports, it took out an entire suburban town
in the mid '80s.
So the stuff beat the thing,
but no one knew "it"
had a more maniacal plot in store for us.
From: "ryan spencer"
Subject: moooo where's the beef ? RIGHT HERE BI***
there's something wrong with all your new console game
reviews. it's the fact that you give graphics in the game
to much credit in the grade.the graphics should look that
good, if they didn't it wouldn't be a next-gen console
would it! The games that have come out aren't even close
to pushing the system resources, so don't say that the game
has great graphics when they are just average to what will
be out in the future. for example look at the first ps1 games
compared to the most recent games for ps1.
Ya know, you're absolutely
right. Why should we
compare current games at all, when, at some point in the future, there
will be newer games?
When Max Payne comes
in later this week, we think we'll compare and contrast it against Max
Payne 3: There Is Still No Spoon, which is scheduled for a 2010
release on the Playstation 5.
And you're right - the graphics
in Gran Turismo 3
are merely average compared to the graphics in Gran Turismo 7,
which will hopefully come out in 2024 for the Marlboro WonderMechaRig.
Remember when Marlboro bought
Microsoft back in 2015? That was funny. Oy, I should have bought some
Marlboro stock back in 2007...
From: "Guillaume Lamothe"
Subject: what's wrong wit being smart???
Hey hi in case you forgot I am the dark elf and i am
smart. I also believe the GR Staff is smart too. Heck,
they've read Lord Of The Rings, know about every
videogame in history( excluding maybe that stupid
little black and white pool game in 89), they know
about a lot of thing, in fact!But here is the weird
thing: THEY HIDE THE FACT THAT THEY'RE SMART!!!!! My
question is why?? Why do you pretend you're dumb,
drunken, fat, unshaved, without a girl, chips munching
MORONS????? Why do you pretend your not smart when,
really, you are. You've talked about all those gr
defense systems: boiling lava and other stuff- only
smart people could desing those. So here I am asking
you: why do you pretend your not smart??
What's wrong with being smart
Nothing is wrong with being
smart, providing that you use your powers for "good", which
we do on most occasions.
But the world doesn't exactly embrace smart guys. Just ask our asses,
the victims of countless wedgie assaults during our formative years.
And it's not easy being so
smart, either. Our incedible brains are explosive tools of destruction,
which is why Duke Ferris opened the Ferris School for Gifted Youngsters.
Here we are taught how to control and master our immense intellect so
as not to accidentally injure an innocent civilian with a big, mean
word like flagitious,
or a clever review like
You're Never Satisfied.
From: "Chris DuMelle"
+ Great Graphics
+ Epic Gameplay
+ Awesome Multi-Player
+ Incredible Level Editor
- Nothing New
Curious, "nothing new...?" Is this the only reason for
the minus? Since when is excellent graphics, sound and
gameplay not enough? Perfecting the established is a
great thing. I realize an A- is a fantastic score, I've
just noticed this paticular complaint a lot lately and
was wondering what's up.
Most of this critism seems to be aimed at the PS2 (which
I highly suspect I'll be getting for my birthday in a
few weeks). Take Onimusha for example. A complaint I've
heard a lot is -It's just Resident Evil with better
graphics- Well, what do you want? Is vastly superior
graphics not enough? I wonder what these people were
expecting. I wonder what these people were expecting.
When PS2, and X-Box and Gamecube for that matter, come
out. I expect vastly superior graphics, CD quality sound
and fantastic games. Nothing more. In fact, bring back
the old stuff. Twisted Metal: Black and Wipeout: Fusion
are perfect examples of perfecting the old, there's nothing
wrong with that. I see something very right with it.
correct that great gameplay, sound and graphics make for an excellent
game. We reserve our A's, however, for games that not only excel in
the technical areas, but also introduce a new gaming concept or style.
It's what makes a game 'revolutionary' as opposed to simply great.
superior graphics' is certainly NOT enough. Graphics are supposed to
get better over time. From Pong and Atari to the NES to the PS2, we
just expect that games will look better and better as the technology
gets more sophisticated. We don't want to go out and spend $300+ on
a new system and $50 bucks a game just because they look better.
We want better
gameplay with more intricacies. We
want more enemies on screen, especially zombies. We
want better multi-player support for games, not just you and one other
player onscreen in a racing game. We
want interactive environments. We
want Harvard and Yale level AI for the computer-controlled baddies.
What we don't
want is to let developers get away with making only better looking
games. That should be a natural by-product of increased power...and,
frankly, so should deeper gameplay.