GR Mailbag: The GR Courier Pigeon Wants A Raise

From: "Jordan P"
Subject: PS2 reviews... hmm
you guys are a bunch of fags you give all the ps2 games B+.... 
everywhere (all the credible sites) give them stellar ratings 
and this lowly piece of sh*t site says "eh, give it a B+".. GT3, 
NBA Street, TTT, and red faction are not B+ material you stupid 
retards

Jordan,

For starters, we want to talk to your mom, because apparently someone forgot to give you your daily dose of ritalin. You should stay off the caffeine.

I guess our standards are a bit higher than yours. That's okay - a lot of people like mediocrity. We never knew that credibility went hand in hand with "stellar" reviews. Thanks for the tip!

For now on, we'll just mark up those B+'s to, say, A+'s! And A-'s will become A++'s! And normal A's will become unpronounceable symbols! That way, we'll be sure to maintain our credibility.

Now please get some rest and let us stupid retards get back to our B+'s.

- GR

From: "****@aol.com" 
Subject: new thing
why did you change your thing at the top of the review? 

To Mystery Writer

Well, the "thing" was fine until it ate all of the GR attack dogs and started growing extra eyes, spider legs and tentacles.

In the battle that followed, the entire GR compound was torn to pieces and reduced to ashes. The only survivors were Brian and Ben, who were left freezing and terrified.

Not knowing who to trust, they both sat staring at each other until the wee hours of the night, each just waiting for the other to grow a second, more evil head or turn into another freaky monster like Sandra Bernhard, Rupaul or Microsoft.

So the pair turned to this guy, who seems to know more about the "thing" than anyone really should. He suggested that Brian should use his lunch-time snack drink on the "thing." This "stuff" is brutal. According to reports, it took out an entire suburban town in the mid '80s.

So the stuff beat the thing, but no one knew "it" had a more maniacal plot in store for us.

Don't get us started on the blob...

-GR

From: "ryan spencer"
Subject: moooo where's the beef ? RIGHT HERE BI***
there's something wrong with all your new console game 
reviews. it's the fact that you give graphics in the game 
to much credit in the grade.the graphics should look that 
good, if they didn't it wouldn't be a next-gen console 
would it! The games that have come out aren't even close 
to pushing the system resources, so don't say that the game 
has great graphics when they are just average to what will 
be out in the future. for example look at the first ps1 games 
compared to the most recent games for ps1.

Hey Ryan,

Ya know, you're absolutely right. Why should we compare current games at all, when, at some point in the future, there will be newer games?

When Max Payne comes in later this week, we think we'll compare and contrast it against Max Payne 3: There Is Still No Spoon, which is scheduled for a 2010 release on the Playstation 5.

And you're right - the graphics in Gran Turismo 3 are merely average compared to the graphics in Gran Turismo 7, which will hopefully come out in 2024 for the Marlboro WonderMechaRig.

Remember when Marlboro bought Microsoft back in 2015? That was funny. Oy, I should have bought some Marlboro stock back in 2007...

- GR

From: "Guillaume Lamothe" 
Subject: what's wrong wit being smart???
Hey hi in case you forgot I am the dark elf and i am 
smart. I also believe the GR Staff is smart too. Heck, 
they've read Lord Of The Rings, know about every 
videogame in history( excluding maybe that stupid 
little black and white pool game in 89), they know 
about a lot of thing, in fact!But here is the weird 
thing: THEY HIDE THE FACT THAT THEY'RE SMART!!!!! My 
question is why?? Why do you pretend you're dumb, 
drunken, fat, unshaved, without a girl, chips munching 
MORONS????? Why do you pretend your not smart when, 
really, you are. You've talked about all those gr 
defense systems: boiling lava and other stuff- only 
smart people could desing those. So here I am asking 
you: why do you pretend your not smart?? 
What's wrong with being smart

Greetings Guillaume,

Nothing is wrong with being smart, providing that you use your powers for "good", which we do on most occasions. But the world doesn't exactly embrace smart guys. Just ask our asses, the victims of countless wedgie assaults during our formative years.

And it's not easy being so smart, either. Our incedible brains are explosive tools of destruction, which is why Duke Ferris opened the Ferris School for Gifted Youngsters. Here we are taught how to control and master our immense intellect so as not to accidentally injure an innocent civilian with a big, mean word like flagitious, or a clever review like this one.

-GR

From: "Chris DuMelle" 
Subject: Innovation
Decent: Freespace-
A-
+ Great Graphics
+ Epic Gameplay
+ Awesome Multi-Player
+ Incredible Level Editor
- Nothing New
Curious, "nothing new...?" Is this the only reason for 
the minus? Since when is excellent graphics, sound and 
gameplay not enough? Perfecting the established is a 
great thing. I realize an A- is a fantastic score, I've
just noticed this paticular complaint a lot lately and 
was wondering what's up.
Most of this critism seems to be aimed at the PS2 (which 
I highly suspect I'll be getting for my birthday in a 
few weeks). Take Onimusha for example. A complaint I've 
heard a lot is -It's just Resident Evil with better 
graphics- Well, what do you want? Is vastly superior 
graphics not enough? I wonder what these people were 
expecting. I wonder what these people were expecting. 
When PS2, and X-Box and Gamecube for that matter, come 
out. I expect vastly superior graphics, CD quality sound 
and fantastic games. Nothing more. In fact, bring back 
the old stuff. Twisted Metal: Black and Wipeout: Fusion 
are perfect examples of perfecting the old, there's nothing 
wrong with that. I see something very right with it.

Hi Chris,

You're definitely correct that great gameplay, sound and graphics make for an excellent game. We reserve our A's, however, for games that not only excel in the technical areas, but also introduce a new gaming concept or style. It's what makes a game 'revolutionary' as opposed to simply great.

However, 'vastly superior graphics' is certainly NOT enough. Graphics are supposed to get better over time. From Pong and Atari to the NES to the PS2, we just expect that games will look better and better as the technology gets more sophisticated. We don't want to go out and spend $300+ on a new system and $50 bucks a game just because they look better.

We want better gameplay with more intricacies. We want more enemies on screen, especially zombies. We want better multi-player support for games, not just you and one other player onscreen in a racing game. We want interactive environments. We want Harvard and Yale level AI for the computer-controlled baddies.

What we don't want is to let developers get away with making only better looking games. That should be a natural by-product of increased power...and, frankly, so should deeper gameplay.

-GR