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Posted on 04/15/14
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GR Mailbag: First Class Questions, Second Rate Answers

Posted on Tuesday, October 9 @ 12:13:14 Eastern by Duke_Ferris
Saturday Morning at GR.
From: "Adrien Baumann"
Subject: iiii love this show....
hey. do any of you still watch cartoons and stuff?

Hi Adrien,

Of course we do!

We watch all kinds of cartoons - The Simpsons, The Tick, Dragonball Z, Captain Caveman, Rubik The Amazing Cube, Robotech (Zor Prime in Da House!), Thundarr The Barbarian (go Ookla!), Ranma 1/2 (Japanese transsexual animation at its finest), Voltron (the best giant robot ever) and anything else that might soothe the bitter aftertaste of playing, say, a 3DO game.

- GR

Mighty Gamer Hands.
From: "Evan Lole"
Subject: Girlfriends? What girlfriends?! Kia Ora Game Revolution I hail from li'l old New Zealand and therefore have a simplistic, un-smartified brain. Due to this hideous cranial malformity I can't for the life of me figure out why you guys think that ALL the good games break up your relationship with your girlfriend! Is this some sort of GR 'in-joke'? Do none of you actually HAVE girlfriends?! If this is the case I feel it is my duty as a foreigner to laugh (hard) ha ha ha ha haaaa! Ha haaaa ha ha! Mwah heh ha ho! Just look in the review of any of the high-ranking games and there it is; '(insert name here) is so addictive that your girlfriend will leave you' or some other such phrase about the leavage of female partners. Anyway, thanks for your time, and I would just like to leave on a positive note; GR is the best damn' magazine for reviews out there, including ones that cost money! The reviews are witty, concise, and don't pander to the merciless freaks employed by ID or Microsoft. Oh, yeah, and you can quote me on that. Ka pai guys! from Evan Long live Zomblor, king among zombie kings!

Heya Evan,

We don't know what the girls are like on your crazy alien planet called "New Zealand," but here on Earth, once they see the bulging extensor muscles on a gamer's fingers and hands, they become a bit frightened and intimidated. Or they can just smell the nerd on us as we obsess over the size of our monkey in Black & White. Good games and good girls don't mix (unless it's The Sims, it seems).

Kai pai to you as well!

- GR

P.S. Your "Zomblor" obviously hasn't met Zombie Duke.

Indecent Proposal
From: "Matt" 
Subject: How did GR start?
How did you guys get a job at GR? Are you guys like
brothers or something because it doesnt look like you
want very many new people to work with you. And
another thing, do you guys get payed?

Howdy Matt,

Well, we all got jobs here in different ways. Duke started the site using money he collected by having a few fake Bar Mitzvahs. Ben signed on shortly thereafter to provide security, take care of the GR garden and make soup. Shawn and Brian were both plucked from their comfy home at the San Quentin Correctional Institution based on their fantastic resumes and gold teeth.

Are we brothers? No, not in the biblical sense. But we do share clothes, for what that's worth.

- GR

P.S. Yes, we get paid, but in order to collect we have to run around the GR office grabbing floating gold coins. It's a bitch, but money is money.

No Life Sucks
From: "big looser"
Subject: Mailbag(HELP!!)

hello this letter is not really abouta game iv'e written you before about games under a diffrent name though i am in a big problem and need some advice please help me here i go. um my friend mooves to my street in the 4th grade and we become best friends the he faild the 4th grade and left and found diffrent friends it was no longer just me and him the circle eventually formed about 4 people the it grew to 8 every one now seems to have something going for them except me and my 4th grade friend they all have girlfriend and jobs or something that makes them happy all we have is music that describes our depressing lives and gamerevolution to keep us sane its a sad sad life i kneed to how to make it better. PLEASE PLEASE HELP. THANK YOU BIG LOOSER

Hi Big Looser,

First off, look on the bright side. At least you're not a Big Loser! That would suck.

Second off, periods. Please use periods. Heck, at least use commas. PUNCTUATE!!!

Okay, now on to your dilemma. Errrr, we are having a hard time figuring that out. You sound sad, but we don't understand why. We think it has something to do with 8 people, 4th grade and depressing music.

At any rate, here are a few vital tips for all socially shell-shocked gamers:


- WALK OUT YOUR FRONT DOOR (You know, the one that lets in that horrible "sunlight" stuff).



Strike up a conversation with the first decent looking, age-appropriate girl you see. If that doesn't work, then go back inside. It's a tough world out there.


Sony, Why Have You Forsaken Us?
From: "odin kru"
Subject: The letdown
The PS2 has two USB ports. Sony promised a modem for 
Internet gaming. But with both these features we, as 
gamers have been left wanting.Why haven't the game 
developers created games that use keyboard and mouse 
attachments? All PC gamers will agree that the using 
of a keyboard and a mouse are better for control than 
a standard controller.  Why haven't they produced 
games that can be played over the net? Both Unreal 
Tournament and Rune, have good multi-player play on 
the PC. Why was it left out of the PS2 version? If 
these games had that option maybe Sony would spend 
more time creating the modem.

Hey there odin,

These are all excellent questions that all Playstation 2 fans would love answered. Unfortunately, none of us are any wiser than you are.

Red Faction is a great example of a game that could have really benefited from keyboard and mouse support. Something as simple as strafing left while looking right in a first-person shooter on a console (like, uh, Red Faction) is like trying to scratch the back of your neck with your toenail.

And don't get us started on the lack of online play. Editor Shawn Sanders has gone into seclusion. Using a stick of Fruit Stripe gum, an AM transistor radio, 2 paper cups, a long string and a strand of Duke's hair, he hopes to create a working online component for his PS2.

Man, the lengths one will go to just to play Armored Core 2 online.

- GR

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