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GR Mailbag: First Class Questions, Second Rate Answers
Posted on Tuesday, October 9 @ 12:13:14 Eastern by Duke_Ferris
From: "Evan Lole"
Subject: Girlfriends? What girlfriends?!
Kia Ora Game Revolution
I hail from li'l old New Zealand and therefore have a simplistic,
un-smartified brain. Due to this hideous cranial malformity I
can't for the life of me figure out why you guys think that ALL
the good games break up your relationship with your girlfriend!
Is this some sort of GR 'in-joke'? Do none of you actually HAVE
girlfriends?! If this is the case I feel it is my duty as a
foreigner to laugh (hard) ha ha ha ha haaaa! Ha haaaa ha ha!
Mwah heh ha ho! Just look in the review of any of the
high-ranking games and there it is; '(insert name here) is so
addictive that your girlfriend will leave you' or some other
such phrase about the leavage of female partners. Anyway,
thanks for your time, and I would just like to leave on a
positive note; GR is the best damn' magazine for reviews out
there, including ones that cost money! The reviews are witty,
concise, and don't pander to the merciless freaks employed by
ID or Microsoft.
Oh, yeah, and you can quote me on that.
Ka pai guys!
Long live Zomblor, king among zombie kings!
We don't know what the girls
are like on your crazy alien planet called "New Zealand,"
but here on Earth, once they see the bulging extensor muscles on a gamer's
fingers and hands, they become a bit frightened and intimidated. Or
they can just smell the nerd on us as we obsess over the size of our
monkey in Black
& White. Good games and good girls don't mix (unless it's The
Sims, it seems).
Subject: How did GR start?
How did you guys get a job at GR? Are you guys like
brothers or something because it doesnt look like you
want very many new people to work with you. And
another thing, do you guys get payed?
Well, we all got jobs here
in different ways. Duke started the site using money he collected by
having a few fake Bar Mitzvahs. Ben signed on shortly thereafter to
provide security, take care of the GR garden and make soup. Shawn and
Brian were both plucked from their comfy home at the San Quentin Correctional
Institution based on their fantastic resumes and gold teeth.
Are we brothers? No, not
in the biblical sense. But we do share clothes, for what that's worth.
P.S. Yes, we get paid, but
in order to collect we have to run around the GR office grabbing floating
gold coins. It's a bitch, but money is money.
No Life Sucks
From: "big looser"
hello this letter is not really abouta game iv'e
written you before about games under a diffrent name
though i am in a big problem and need some advice please
help me here i go. um my friend mooves to my street in
the 4th grade and we become best friends the he faild
the 4th grade and left and found diffrent friends it was
no longer just me and him the circle eventually formed
about 4 people the it grew to 8 every one now seems to
have something going for them except me and my 4th grade
friend they all have girlfriend and jobs or something
that makes them happy all we have is music that describes
our depressing lives and gamerevolution to keep us sane
its a sad sad life i kneed to how to make it better.
PLEASE PLEASE HELP.
Hi Big Looser,
First off, look on the bright
side. At least you're not a Big Loser! That would suck.
Second off, periods. Please
use periods. Heck, at least use commas. PUNCTUATE!!!
Okay, now on to your dilemma.
Errrr, we are having a hard time figuring that out. You sound sad, but
we don't understand why. We think it has something to do with 8 people,
4th grade and depressing music.
At any rate, here
are a few vital tips for all socially shell-shocked gamers:
- SLOWLY TURN AWAY FROM YOUR
- WALK OUT YOUR FRONT DOOR
(You know, the one that lets in that horrible "sunlight" stuff).
- TAKE A DEEP BREATH
Strike up a conversation
with the first decent looking, age-appropriate girl you see. If that
doesn't work, then go back inside. It's a tough world out there.
Sony, Why Have You Forsaken Us?
From: "odin kru"
Subject: The letdown
The PS2 has two USB ports. Sony promised a modem for
Internet gaming. But with both these features we, as
gamers have been left wanting.Why haven't the game
developers created games that use keyboard and mouse
attachments? All PC gamers will agree that the using
of a keyboard and a mouse are better for control than
a standard controller. Why haven't they produced
games that can be played over the net? Both Unreal
Tournament and Rune, have good multi-player play on
the PC. Why was it left out of the PS2 version? If
these games had that option maybe Sony would spend
more time creating the modem.
Hey there odin,
These are all excellent questions
that all Playstation 2 fans would love answered. Unfortunately, none
of us are any wiser than you are.
Faction is a great example of a game that could have really benefited
from keyboard and mouse support. Something as simple as strafing left
while looking right in a first-person shooter on a console (like, uh,
Red Faction) is
like trying to scratch the back of your neck with your toenail.
And don't get us started
on the lack of online play. Editor Shawn Sanders has gone into seclusion.
Using a stick of Fruit Stripe gum, an AM transistor radio, 2 paper cups,
a long string and a strand of Duke's hair, he hopes to create a working
online component for his PS2.