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GR Mailbag: Getting Personal

Posted on Monday, July 7 @ 16:00:00 PST by Duke_Ferris

~From the desk of Duke Ferris~

You'd think that as the president of a major multi-national conglomerate like Game Revolution, I would have a flotilla of sharp secretaries to deal with my e-mail. Well it's true, I do.

However, on this past Secretaries Day I fired them all and had their pets kidnapped. This left me to deal with my own mail, and boy was I surprised! Hundreds of intelligent, well thought out e-mails were streaming into my box and for years those vile secretaries were hiding them from me.

I thought I'd just share a few of them with you today.

En offur U Kant Refuze

Date: Sat, 21 Jun 2003 00:18:49 -0400
From: "mike *********"

Subject: i have an offer

ok u dun kno me but i hope u'll hear me out anyway. im a dedicated reader of ur webpage an id like to do sumthin for ur cheats page if it's aight with u. ive been lookin for a chance to write an in-depth strategy for sum charecters on dynasty warriors 4, around 10 to 20. lookin froward to a response. thanks for hearin me out in advance.

Dear Mike,

wat skool did u go 2 two lern 1337 spellin liek dat? weev ben dyin 2 find sumone 2 tranzlate all our cheats into gibbrish. u'll heer frum us soon.


Dear Abby, Eat Your Heart Out

Date: Sat, 21 Jun 2003 12:50:38 -0700
From: "Nic"

Subject: I need some love advice (yes dUKE , i'm asking you for help , this ain't spam and I really need some help)

Ok , first off , I just wanna say that you seemed like the person I should talk to about this. I have a girlfriend , she's pretty , smart , and all that other crap , but letely there have been a fair bit of problems .You see , she went to this sports day activity thing for sprinting , I was also to go , but she asked me not to , so I didn't. I find out that she played a little "game" of truth and dare , she ended up kissing , hugging and more with a bunch of guys she doesn't know. I beat one of them pretty hard (he was a little snot) then she asked me not to do that , we talked for a bit , all was forgiven , well , our class had a pool party , you know what happened , some gorrilla was there , she thought he was good looking , so he ended giving her a piggy back ride , innocent ?!?! NO! She was wearing a bikini and he had his shirt off . Then he ended up having to "save" her , even though they were on dry ground.Now she is trying to guilt me into feeling sorry for her , and forgetting about what happened. At this point , I forgave her , but you know what she does ? She signs up for the same messenger service as him (lycos or something like that)so she can "yell" at him , and I don't need to worry because she won't do anything with him .For the love of everything holy help me out.

P.S.I'll understand if I never ever hear from you , seeing as how you'll probably never even open this e-mail. Oh well , a guy can hope , can't he ?

Yours Truly
Nicholas Z.

Dear Nic,

Since I'm a video game reviewer and therefore one of the most powerful people on Earth, you were right to come to me for love advice. For example, I am so perceptive that I knew immediately that your mail was not spam. This is because it did not offer me a way to lengthen my willy.

However, no willy was longer than Free Willy 4. I had to see that on a plane once and I thought it would never end. The whole time I was eating this horrible, rubbery airline chicken. "Chicken or fish?" they asked me, and I thought, "How badly can they mess up chicken?" Well, I learned my lesson that day, I'll tell you.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Three words for you Nic: mail order bride.


P.S. Indeed, I wouldn't have gotten your mail if I hadn't gotten rid of those pesky secretaries, so lucky for you I did.

Happy Go Lucky!

Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 12:44:27
From: "KhodaNitai"

Subject: Gouranga

Call out Gouranga be happy.
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga.
Say Gouranga my friend.
Gouranga....That which brings the highest happiness.

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

Gouranga! Yes indeed, I love Gouranga! I love to call out Gouranga! And Yatta! I love to call out Yatta!

At least, I think I love Gouranga. As long as Gouranga wasn't that embarrassing rash I got last summer. Or was that Zombo? I forget.


The Future's So Bright

Date: Sun, 06 Jul 03 17:45:40 GMT

Subject: Dimensional Warp Generator Needed cp hqhvuzggkp


We need a vendor who can offer immediate supply.
I'm offering $5,000 US dollars just for referring a vender which is
(Actually RELIABLE in providing the below equipment) Contact details
of vendor required, including name and phone #. If they turn out to be
reliable in supplying the below equipment I'll immediately pay you
$5,000. We prefer to work with vendor in the Boston/New York area.

1. The mind warper generation 4 Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a
series wrist watch with z80 or better memory adapter. If in stock the
AMD Dimensional Warp Generator module containing the GRC79 induction
motor, two I80200 warp stabilizers, 256GB of SRAM, and two Analog
Devices isolinear modules, This unit also has a menu driven GUI
accessible on the front panel XID display. All in 1 units would be
great if reliable models are available

2. The special 23200 or Acme 5X24 series time transducing capacitor
with built in temporal displacement. Needed with complete
jumper/auxiliary system

3. A reliable crystal Ionizor with unlimited memory backup.

4. I will also pay for Schematics, layouts, and designs directly
from the manufature which can be used to build this equipment
from readily available parts.

If your vendor turns out to be reliable, I owe you $5,000.

Dear Future Person,

I am very excited because this email is clearly proof that in the future, spammers will become so powerful they will actually be able to send spam back in time to annoy us in the present! Where did I put my personal Terminator?


Fan Boy

Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 13:58:30 EDT
From: GANGSTA*******

Subject: HEY!


Dear Unfortunate AOL Gangsta,

No, of course not. What were you thinking? Now go away.

Besides, you're not my biggest fan. Sickeningly, that honor belongs to these idiots. Not to mention this crowd, which follows me everywhere I go. I should have you all deported.


Tags:   gr mailbag

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