GR Mailbag: GR Saves! Repent!

From: "96-cooper-a" (???@sneyd.walsall.sch.uk)

Subject: ????

because i am a scrubber and i can not afford a playstaion 1 
never mind the playstation 2 i was wondering if you would give 
me the playstation 2 pleeeeeeeeeeeeease.
p.s their is another reason to give me one because i have lost 
my legs and i am a retard and i am over weight by about 10 
stone i am only 15. my name is andy cooper and i live at
70 coalway rd
Dudley fields
bloxwich
walsalll
ws3 2pu

The lack of a sufficient number of Playstation2s being available on the 26th, coupled with the pre-ordering madness (which was ill-advised by Sony) on the part of big name retailers like Funco, Babbages and Electronic Boutique, is threating to start a new fashion trend.

You, my friend, are just one of millions who will be sporting the new, stylish Sony Frown of Disgust. It's showing up in stores everywhere! This is not to be confused with SegaNet's Frown of Extreme Contempt.

Make sure your shoes don't clash with the new attire.

-GR

P.S. What the hell is a scrubber? Any relation to Mr. Clean?

From: Steven Stauffer (???@hotmail.com)

Subject: Take heed or next time I write you an essay 
defending my opinion. I am a Christian and a Canadian, 
causing me to be frequently offended by your scathing smart 
remarks. So in my defence I say this: Canada Rocks. God 
also Rocks. Phew, a load off my chest.
P.S I am never offended by well written review panning 
offensie, poorly made  games with titles I can't remember 
off the top of my head.
P.P.S Jesus loves you all the same, and so do I. Though 
when I say love, I mean the of of a man fo a fine cuban 
cigar.(in refernece to me, not Jesus)

Hi Steven,

Canada rocks...God rocks...come to think of it, we've been hard at work on our first musical here at Game Revolution. It's called "Jebus Christ, Hockey Star."

It's aboot how Jebus beat the Romans by scoring a hat trick.

- GR

From: "HoCkEyMuNkEE" (???@aol.com)

Subject: Jaguar

Hello game rev, I was sitting there in my room today 
and being extremely bored i got out my old pile of junk box 
think and ive got all kinds of stuff in there from old atari 
2600 stuff to genisis stuff adn i came across a magazine 
add that had been ripped out and it mentioned about an old 
machine called the jaguar and i suddenly rememberd this 
system i think it was just about pre-psx time adn i remember 
commercials for it but whatever happened to this thing? I 
remember all this hype about it then 2 weeks later people 
were like jaguar? what are you smoking? so i was just 
wondering what the hell happened to this damn system thanx 
for any help.

What do you mean "What happened to this system?" You know what happened. You don't need a bloodhound to tell you when something stinks.

Atari's system may have technically been the first to break the 64-bit barrier (a widely disputed claim amongst super uber geeks who actually care about these things), but the games just sucked.

Some of the top games for the Jaguar? Try Tempest 2000, Ultra Vortek, Double Dragon 5, and Worms. Not really system sellers, eh? Add to that a big-ass keyboard for a control pad, then you do the math.

Ah hell, we'll do the math for you:

Bad Games + Big Ass Controller = Jaguar = Sucks.

Err...can someone double check that for us? We're bad at long addition.

-GR

From: Terry T. (???@aol.com)

Subject: Just asking

Dear GR,
I am a 27 year old store manager for a major retail outlet 
in the United States. I am also married and have two beautiful 
daughters. I have been playing games since I was a wee lad with 
pong, and will continue to play them well into the future until 
my fingers are decrepid from arthritis. I consider myself to be 
a very responsible person who has a hobby of playing video games. 
After a recent discussion whith one of my peers in the retail 
industry 
I was told that video games are for kids and that people over the 
age of 18 who played video games are losers. This person did not 
Know of my hobby at this point. I play games because it allows me 
to escape. It allows me to be an adventurer, or a pilot, or a 
soldier, etc.. So if I am a loser then so be 
it. Games rule.
Thanks for the ear,
Terry T.

Actually, you're too young for video games. A recent study by the IDSA (Interactive Digital Software Association) proves that the average age for a gamer is 28.

So relish your remaining year. Don't grow up too fast.

Go to work tomorrow snot-nosed with your hair disheveled and a yellow binder full of Pokemon cards. Wear a different shoe on each foot, and if anyone asks for a bite of your Street Fighter Fruit Roll-Up, make sure you lick the entire thing before offering them any. Trust me.

Hey, you're only young once.

-GR

P.S. Do you have cooties?

From: Charlene Grass (???@hotmail.com)

Subject: hotmail.com
I know very little about computer games, but my son showed me 
Johnny Liu's review of "Catechumen." 
That is one funny piece of work. 
The nuns who taught me would approve.

First this new executive shows up calling himself Louis Cipher. Boy, is he a tyrant! You should see the way he treats the thermostat. I swear that guy's cold-blooded, because he's always got the heat cranked way up!

And what's with the beatings? I always thought the term "whipping into shape" was just a figure of speech.

Do you smell brimstone?

-GR