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GR Mailbag: Happy New Year, Revolutionaries!

Posted on Monday, December 31 @ 12:13:14 Eastern by Duke_Ferris

Since this is the last mailbag of the year, we decided to take a quick look back at some of our favorite mailbag entries of 2001. Sometimes we have waaaay too much fun with this thing.

With no further ado...

Game Revolution Wanted
From: "Karl Norby" (***
Subject: GR people
How do you get involved with GR, i have been to many game 
sites and by far this is the best. I would like to get in 
on the action.

Hey Karl,

"How do you get involved with GR?"

Aren't you in a hurry? Well hold on, tiger! GR isn't like those other mags you've
been "involved" with. Don't you want to know a little more about us?
Here's a recent ad we ran in the local personals:

Independent Online Magazine seeks soulmate to share deepest
intimacies. I am an intelligent, buxom, 5' 7" beauty of a mag. 
I consider myself athletic, bubbly and brilliant. I'm attracted 
to people who are very critical and can speak their mind. 
I also enjoy Indian food and Tom Hanks. I dislike bad reviews, 
buggy games, Belgium, illiteracy, and switching servers. 
Capable PC and a copy of Counterstrike a plus. 

If you feel like you have what it takes to satisfy a popular, sultry magazine,
please respond to

- GR

The History Of GR
From: "Cris Pina-Gautier" (***
Subject: Employed?
Out of curiousity, I just had a couple of questions about 
this web site.  First, I was wondering how all of you came 
to work at this prestigious site?  Secondly, do you guys 
have an office or do you all work seperately? And finally, 
how did you get into this field of work?  If you could 
provide me with some answers, I'd greatly appriciate it.

Dear Cris,

Our history is well-chronicled, though to save space, here's the Cliff Notes...

In the early 90's, each GR editor was snatched from his respective home and sold into a life of servitude. We were subjected to the most heinous of all injustices - we were forced to say good things about bad games.

Day after day, year after year, we were constanly ordered by our ruthless overlords - deemed "ad sales guys" - to reward crappy games with great grades simply because "they bought a lot of space this month."

At last, one among us could endure the atrocities no longer. Duke "William Wallace" Ferris rose up against our oppressors to lead a starving, malnourished brigade of disheveled editors to a bloody victory, and on to freedom.

In honor of the gaming revolt, Duke and the surviving editors formed the now indomitable Game Revolution. However, we're constantly in danger of being discovered and captured by our old masters. Hence, we all work from the same location in a bunker 100 feet underground, bringing new meaning to the term "pasty geeks."


When Princesses Go Bad
From: "???" (***
Subject: Why did they change?
I just first got my computer 2 months ago and didn't know where 
i could get good video game tips, reveiws, and codes.Then 
somebody in a chat room told me about you guys. since then I 
haven't been to another video game website. Anyway, my question 
(not to sound corny,just curius) why did they change the names 
years ago on the Mario games. Like Princess Toadstool became Princess 
Peach. And Koopa is now Bowser. How come Luigi is not in his games 
Thanks for the help. 

Dear ???,

Ah yes, we too know this strumpet who poses as royalty. She's wanted by every law enforcement agency from Klendathu to Britannia. We don't think Nintendo changed her name - we think she's doing it to avoid the long arm of the law.

We checked the GR criminal databse and came up with this dossier:

Princess Peach

  • Princess Toadstool
  • The Terror of Hell's Kitchen
  • Osama Binladen

Real Name: Margaret Rosenblum

Diagnosis: Suffers from acute Schizoid personality disorders, including Multiple Personality Syndrome. Obsessive/Compulsive behavior triggered by irrational love of Italians and a pronounced fear of turtles.

Whereabouts: Last seen in Paper Mario. Current location unknown.

If you see her in your area, contact your local authorities. DO NOT try to capture this harlot alone, as she may be armed and dangerous.


We're # 1!
From: "Andy Everson" (***
Subject: Hats and Shirts
Hey, when are you guys gonna make some GR hats, shirts, 
and other paraphernalia? I have really enjoyed you're 
site for three years now, and want to show everyone that 
I'm so fixated on which company I like that I pay the 
company to advertise its products. Just kidding, by the 
way. But seriously, let me know when I can order some of 
that crap from you.
Thanx in advance,

Howdy Andy,

We agree - it would be great to have our readers roaming the streets as walking ad campaigns, shamelessly plugging the mighty Game Revolution.

But we don't want to crank out the same old tired merchandise you find everywhere (shirts, hats, pens, etc.). We are trying to think a little outside the box here.

Here's an idea. Just stick it on your hand and whammo! You're number 1!

Or try this on for size. We think this would appeal to the hardcore, uh, gamers.

We might just splurge for some promotional GR supercomputers! Get yours today!

And if you're extra special good, we might even send you one of these, provided we find another willing donor.

Remember who loves yah, baby.

- GR

In The Mouth of Madness!

The GR Surgeon General has deemed the following email to be "Toxic" and extremely hazardous to one's health. Extended exposure can lead to cecity, baldness and the brain bursting from the back of one's head.

This letter may also result in severe defects, such as complete nescience or a compelling urge to cut off large chunks of flesh. Please avoid if pregnant!

- GR

From: "Akab" (***
Subject: akab
blank I to want to know as to make in order to have 
weapons the much powerful for worms armageddon example 
bomb banana if launch she to explode 50 bananas and 
distruggee all landscape, example an arm ass, example 
to talk nonsense with the uzi and to perforate all the 
land to hit the worm I to pray you to make to know me 
as to find these weapons a lot upgraded thanks

By the way, this is the finest letter we've ever received. You get a gold star, arm ass.


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