GR Mailbag: Holy Controversial Contest, Batman!

Milli Vanilli. Pamela Anderson's breasts. Every single monster from Scooby-Doo.

We're talking about fakers, folks. We're talking cheats, liars and swindlers. We're even talking posers, perjurers and frauds...

...and we're definitey talking about last week's Insult Contest winner.

Indeed, our suspicions were confirmed when an anonymous reader sent us a link which clearly proves that last week's winner plagiarized the winning entry. We had our doubts all along, but upon realization that we were duped, our collective GR anger began to mount.

But rather than stoop to your level and continue this insulting discourse, dear readers, we decided to do what school counselors the world over suggest and just SQUASH IT.

Behold the travesty, and behold the solution.

From: "Josh Shamburger" (******@go.com)

Subject: Ultimate Insult
A message to Game Revolution and anyone who has ever 
disagreed with me about anything:
You swine. You vulgar little maggots. What is that 
tripe you call your opinions? What is that scrofulous 
little tumor you call a brain? Don't you know that you 
are pathetic? You worthless bags of filth, you wads of 
pus. You're cankers. Sores that won't go away. I would 
rather kiss a goat then be seen with you. You are 
putrescent masses, walking vomit. You are spineless 
little worms deserving nothing but the profoundest 
contempt. You are jerks, cads, weasels. Your lives 
are monuments to stupidity. You are stenches, 
revulsions, big sucks on a sour lemon. I will never 
get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same 
species as you. 
You are monsters, ogres. I barf at the very thought of 
you. You all have the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers 
avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. 
You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And 
did I mention, you smell? You are weary, stale, flat and 
unprofitable. You're grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. 
I have excreted better things than you. 
You are foul and disgusting. 
You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. 
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are 
ridiculous and obnoxious. I would rather bathe with 
Hitler than speak to you. You are the moral equivalent 
of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless 
void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease. On a 
good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. 
You are deficient in all that lends to character. You 
have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and 
filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the 
source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and 
sorrow wherever you go. You are a fiend and a coward 
and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious 
and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you 
exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you 
would go away.
There, I feel better now.

Good stuff, eh? Exuberant, verbose, passionate, eloquent, and certainly insulting. We liked this one a lot...until we went here:

The Real Insult

As you can see, our winning friend is quite the expert with the 'cut and paste' commands.

However, before discovering this affront to 'true' insults, we sent our winner this e-mail:

From: GR Staff 
Subject: Winner!!!
To: Josh Shamburger (*********@go.com)

Well I guess you won, you dirty so and so. 
We told our parents on you and after they wiped our eyes and 
kissed our emotional boo-boos, they explained to us that when you 
ask someone to insult you, they may just do it. 
As your prize, you get your pick (All are PC titles): 
-Might and Magic VIII: Day of the Destroyer (RPG/Real Time Strategy) 
-Tachyon: The Fringe (Space-Flight Sim) 
-Warlords Battlecry (Real Time Strategy) 
-Kiss Psycho Circus: The Nightmare Child (First Person Shooter) 
-Breakneck (Driving)
Please submit your address and phone number.
-GR Staff
-http://www.game-revolution.com

To which our conniving imposter offered the following reply:

From: Josh Shamburger (*********@go.com)
Subject: Re: Winner!!!(Indeed...)
To: GR Staff 
This INSULT to my insult has verifired all of my thoughts of your 
webpage. You know, I never thought that old text file might come 
in handy. And just when I finally win your piddling, cosmically, 
profoundly insiginificant podunk contest, the least you could do 
is send a game which would rank as a slightly less rank pice of 
sh*t!
>-Might and Magic VIII: Day of the Destroyer (RPG/Real Time 
  Strategy)
>-Tachyon: The Fringe (Space-Flight Sim)
>-Warlords Battlecry (Real Time Strategy)
>-Kiss Psycho Circus: The Nightmare Child (First Person 
  Shooter)
>-Breakneck (Driving)
Come on. COME ON! After wracking my brain thinking of the 
perfect, flawless, unrepentant dis, you have the grapes to 
offer me a selection of 5 games, mostly which recieved grades 
of C's and D's. This utterly half-assed attempt at rewrding a 
rant worthy of an angry Dennis Milller after a triple espresso 
has plunged my contempt for all that exists in relation to your 
entites to depths unimagined by a deep-sea oil driller at the 
bottom of the Marinas Trench.
>Please submit your Address and phone number.
Yes and in addition to by newest game, Crappy Pice of Sh*t IV, 
I get the pleasure of a mailbox and inbox choked with more Spam 
than a Viking storehouse the size of Greenland. This insult to 
my person is unforgivable. You have turned screwing into an art 
form.
>-GR Staff
>-http://www.game-revolution.com

Post THIS on your site, you testicless wonders! Your pathetic 
idea of a "reward" makes Phillip Morris and Disney look like 
United Way! Perhaps the next contest I enter shall be at Daily 
Radar or Game Informer, you pricks!
--An Angry Gamer From Texas

Most of our readers, even the really angry ones, think that a free game is a free game. Not Josh. Given, we didn't offer The Sims or Half-Life. But at least we wrote the contest up using our own words, eh?

"After wracking my brain thinking of the perfect, flawless, unrepentant dis...'

Psst...we hate to nitpick, but you didn't actualy 'wrack your brain.' You wracked someone else's brain, which is actually illegal in several states.

Frankly, we wish he sent this one in first, because it's hilarious! But alas, he did not, and despite his terrific response, he's still a low down dirty bastard.

So what did we do about it? We did what any self-respecting game site would do - we told Josh to get bent and decided to spread the wealth.

That's right - we have declared that the other entires posted in last week's mailbag are the true winners, and each author will receive one random game. Hooray for fair play!

Let this be a lesson, people. Cheaters never prosper! (Unless we find out that our new set of winners also cheated, in which case they do actually prosper...uh...okay, forget the lesson.)

Viva la Revolucion!