REVIEWSThe Incredible Adventures of Van Review
Van Helsing returns to Borgovia to slay monsters and take revenge. Is the final installment of this popular ARPG series considered a worthwhile conclusion?
In all the talk of graphical downgrades no one seems much preoccupied with 'why?'. Why build something and then proceed to tear it down, piece by piece, in the hope that ever more diminished expectations about the final product won't be severe enough to...
Indeed, our suspicions were
confirmed when an anonymous reader sent us a link which clearly proves
that last week's winner plagiarized the winning entry. We had our doubts
all along, but upon realization that we were duped, our collective GR
anger began to mount.
But rather than stoop to
your level and continue this insulting discourse, dear readers, we decided
to do what school counselors the world over suggest and just SQUASH
Behold the travesty, and
behold the solution.
The, ahem, 'winner.'
From: "Josh Shamburger" (******@go.com)
Subject: Ultimate Insult
A message to Game Revolution and anyone who has ever
disagreed with me about anything:
You swine. You vulgar little maggots. What is that
tripe you call your opinions? What is that scrofulous
little tumor you call a brain? Don't you know that you
are pathetic? You worthless bags of filth, you wads of
pus. You're cankers. Sores that won't go away. I would
rather kiss a goat then be seen with you. You are
putrescent masses, walking vomit. You are spineless
little worms deserving nothing but the profoundest
contempt. You are jerks, cads, weasels. Your lives
are monuments to stupidity. You are stenches,
revulsions, big sucks on a sour lemon. I will never
get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you.
You are monsters, ogres. I barf at the very thought of
you. You all have the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers
avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing.
You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And
did I mention, you smell? You are weary, stale, flat and
unprofitable. You're grimy, squalid, nasty and profane.
I have excreted better things than you.
You are foul and disgusting.
You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you.
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are
ridiculous and obnoxious. I would rather bathe with
Hitler than speak to you. You are the moral equivalent
of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless
void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease. On a
good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool.
You are deficient in all that lends to character. You
have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and
filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the
source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and
sorrow wherever you go. You are a fiend and a coward
and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious
and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you
exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you
would go away.
There, I feel better now.
Good stuff, eh? Exuberant,
verbose, passionate, eloquent, and certainly insulting. We liked this
one a lot...until we went here:
As you can see, our winning
friend is quite the expert with the 'cut and paste' commands.
However, before discovering
this affront to 'true' insults, we sent our winner this e-mail:
From: GR Staff
To: Josh Shamburger (*********@go.com)
Well I guess you won, you dirty so and so.
We told our parents on you and after they wiped our eyes and
kissed our emotional boo-boos, they explained to us that when you
ask someone to insult you, they may just do it.
As your prize, you get your pick (All are PC titles):
-Might and Magic VIII: Day of the Destroyer (RPG/Real Time Strategy)
-Tachyon: The Fringe (Space-Flight Sim)
-Warlords Battlecry (Real Time Strategy)
-Kiss Psycho Circus: The Nightmare Child (First Person Shooter)
Please submit your address and phone number.
To which our conniving imposter
offered the following reply:
From: Josh Shamburger (*********@go.com)
Subject: Re: Winner!!!(Indeed...)
To: GR Staff
This INSULT to my insult has verifired all of my thoughts of your
webpage. You know, I never thought that old text file might come
in handy. And just when I finally win your piddling, cosmically,
profoundly insiginificant podunk contest, the least you could do
is send a game which would rank as a slightly less rank pice of
>-Might and Magic VIII: Day of the Destroyer (RPG/Real Time
>-Tachyon: The Fringe (Space-Flight Sim)
>-Warlords Battlecry (Real Time Strategy)
>-Kiss Psycho Circus: The Nightmare Child (First Person
Come on. COME ON! After wracking my brain thinking of the
perfect, flawless, unrepentant dis, you have the grapes to
offer me a selection of 5 games, mostly which recieved grades
of C's and D's. This utterly half-assed attempt at rewrding a
rant worthy of an angry Dennis Milller after a triple espresso
has plunged my contempt for all that exists in relation to your
entites to depths unimagined by a deep-sea oil driller at the
bottom of the Marinas Trench.
>Please submit your Address and phone number.
Yes and in addition to by newest game, Crappy Pice of Sh*t IV,
I get the pleasure of a mailbox and inbox choked with more Spam
than a Viking storehouse the size of Greenland. This insult to
my person is unforgivable. You have turned screwing into an art
Post THIS on your site, you testicless wonders! Your pathetic
idea of a "reward" makes Phillip Morris and Disney look like
United Way! Perhaps the next contest I enter shall be at Daily
Radar or Game Informer, you pricks!
--An Angry Gamer From Texas
Most of our readers, even
the really angry ones, think that a free game is a free game. Not Josh.
Given, we didn't offer The Sims or Half-Life. But at least
we wrote the contest up using our own words, eh?
"After wracking my
brain thinking of the perfect, flawless, unrepentant dis...'
Psst...we hate to nitpick,
but you didn't actualy 'wrack your brain.' You wracked someone else's
brain, which is actually illegal in several states.
Frankly, we wish he sent
this one in first, because it's hilarious! But alas, he did not, and
despite his terrific response, he's still a low down dirty bastard.
So what did we do about it?
We did what any self-respecting game site would do - we told Josh to
get bent and decided to spread the wealth.
That's right - we have declared
that the other entires posted in last week's mailbag are the true winners,
and each author will receive one random game. Hooray for fair play!
Let this be a lesson, people.
Cheaters never prosper! (Unless we find out that our new set of winners
also cheated, in which case they do actually prosper...uh...okay, forget