GR Mailbag: Inquiring Minds Want To Know!

From: "Wiglet4"
Subject: ???
Did I say rule? I meant kickass. And that's from an
aging hippie who used to get beat severely for
sneaking out of the house to go to the mall and play
pong for chrissakes. Or asteroids or whatever. I'm
like 38 now and have found my own gaming heaven in a
little thing called a pc. Fallout tactix was great. I
want to buy another stragety game tonight after my
graveyard taxi shift. Suggestions? C'mon, I'll send
you nakie pornos!!!!
Wiglet4

Hiya Wiglet4,

If you're looking for another great strategy game, you can't go wrong with Eido's new Commandos 2: Men of Courage. It's not an easy game. It'll takes nerves of steel and perseverence, but we really enjoyed it.

Now for your end of the bargain - those pornos! Though no one here knows what the hell "nakie" pornos are. Isn't that illegal? Hmmm...maybe you meant "naked" pornos, which would be sorta redundant, wouldn't it?

Your mission is to locate some fully-clothed pornos for us. Now those should be pretty interesting. Good luck!

- GR

From: "Wiggity Willis"

Subject: Elusive headquarters
Hey, is there an actual gamerevolution headquarters building 
you guys are located in, or are you just working out of a 
house or something. Where around in the country are you guys 
located at? Just curious about the gamerevolution operation 
that everybody knows absolutley nothing about. thanks and 
sorry if i unintentionally pissed anybody off..... 
---Wiggty

Howdy Wiggity,

For the three billionth time, yes, Game Revolution has an HQ, a massive compound laced with turrets and crawling with rabid Goombas. We have a moat of searing hot Mountain Dew and instead of barbed wire, the entire compund is surrounded by stale, razor-sharp Dorito shards. Our hi-tech security system is impregnable and is currently protected by our Anti-Women Secuity Task Force.

- GR

From: "***@msn.com" 
Subject: babies
Where do babies come from?

Greetings Mystery Writer,

Regular babies? Oh, those are made in Taiwan.

Or are you asking about snarling, sharp-toothed, murderous, mutant super-babies? Because we're pretty sure those come from France.

- GR

From: "ESTEBAN UMAí‘A ROJASST0pBUw"
Subject: you call your self a game page.
I used to visit your page 3,4,5,6 times a day now days 
i visit 3,4,5,6 times a day gamespot because the bring 
up reviews and updates faster than you. I really liked 
your page, what have you got to say in your defence?

Hello Esteban,

What do we have to say in our defense? Wow, that's so threatening. We feel like we're on the stand or something. Well...

Ben: I did not have sex with that woman.

Brian: I didn't do it! No one saw me do it. And you can't prove a thing!

Shawn: Let me get this straight - you're upset that I stole your Fizzy Milk?

- GR

From: "Matthew Shields"
Subject: CS
Hey, I am new to Counter Strike, about 4 days, and I need some 
legit advice. This is some of the bullsh*t advice I have been 
given.
1. Don't die.
2. It is in your best interest not to stop bullets with your head.
3. Do not use your penis as a golf club.
4. Buy a gun.
5. Grenades and bullets hurt, do not get in their way.
6. Falling off heights can cause a problem.
7. Aim.
8. A grenade is not a football.
Please give me some legit advice besides those or play more. Just 
something you wish soemone would have told you. By the way, you guys 
kick ass!!! OLD SCHOOL, BRING IT BACK!

Hi Fellow CS Junkie.

Good question! There are few topics we enjoy more than CS strategy, except maybe knitting.

Probably the most important step in newbie CS training is map familiarity. Forget your skillz, forget your steady aim, forget your animal instincts. Pick a couple maps and play the hell out of them until you're comfortable. Become familiar with all possible camping spots (usually behind boxes or other nooks and crannies). The main reason newbies die is because they ran into an area without knowing where to look first.

After you get used to a map or two, start testing out the various weapons. Assess what weapon works best for you and stay close to your teammates until you feel like you know what you are doing on your own. Learning the radio commands helps a lot as well, though for the first few weeks you shouldn't be leading any rushes or anything.

Good Starting Weapons:

For the SMGs, we highly advise getting solid with the MP5. It's a great all-purpose, affordable gun. We also find the P90 tasty, but it isn't great for newbies and we wound up using it only after we changed the skin so it looked cool. New skins for players and weapons can be found here.

When it comes to rifles, we religiously use Rifle #2 for either Terrorist (Sig552 Commando) or Counter-Terrorist (Bullpup Steyr Aug). The CT Colt M4A1 Carbine (Rifle #1) is also a great weapon with incredible accuracy and a wicked firing rate. We advise staying away from the AK until you get used to the game, as it requires burst-firing for best results and can be very inaccurate in the wrong hands (though deadly in the right ones).

We keep it simple when it comes to pistols. The standard issue Terrorist Glock sucks and does very little damage, but you do get 20 bullets per clip. We tend to use the CT standard H&K USP .45 Tactical. It has great accuracy and a decent clip size, plus it comes with the optional silencer.

But for raw stopping power, GR says it's all about the Desert Eagle .50 AE (or just 'Deagle'). Just make sure your aim is good because you only get 7 bullets per clip.

Never forget, grenades are your friend. Buying grenades is really good for rooting out those hard-to-reach campers. But PLEASE: Be careful with flash grenades. You don't want to be one of those 'tards who blinds his own people.

There you have it, a few tips for the nubile CS player. Please make check payable to your Daddy, Sal Magicpants!

- GR