Update: I was unfortunately not aware of Shamus Young's severe criticism of Fallout 3 available here to link in the original piece and I regret that. It dovetails rather nicely with what I've written and it's much better executed than my piece. I strongly recommend anyone...
Most people don't get any fan mail or hate mail at all, and I have to say it's a fairly strange experience. Easily the most hate mail I ever received was for my review of The Crow: City of Angels. But the last couple weeks have been a gold mine of hate mail.
In rapid succession, I posted my review of The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (which I gave a B+), and then donned my Lightning Rod Hat and set out to break the world blaspheming record with my review of Left Behind: Eternal Forces (which I gave an F). I knew I was in for some serious hate mail in both cases. I received fan mail for both as well, but hate mail is what we're here for today, and a selection is, of course, provided.
So, as I see it, only one question remains: Who has the most hardcore zealots for fans: Jesus or Zelda? Let the competition begin....
Subject: err hey great site!
From: I am Not spam <*************@gmail.com>
You're stupid. I already beat Twilight Princess and it's a 15/10 in my book. You're dumb and you just wanna outshine GameSpot and get some publicity for your idiotic, no-name, rookie website. Leave the game bashing to GameSpot, and take your attention hungry website somewhere else, you stupid idiot.
P.S. Apply the "Opposite Day" effect to this email's subject.
Well, that's one for Zelda, and it's pretty good. Insults: Check. Irrational exuberance for his favorite fictional character: Check. And nothing drives an intelligent argument home like the proper use of Opposite Day.
Jesus Is Saved
Subject: WTF@your review of Left Behind
From: E Stein <*********@yahoo.ca>
Look, I believe in freedom of expression, but in this review, you're being a total prick. Preparing for Jesus with a nail gun? A fucking nail gun? It's people like you who are the reason why free speech is no longer around in our society. I think that if you should even have the right to call yourself a human being, don't go slandering other people's beliefs. What your doing is spitting in the face of a belief, that millions, upon millions of people believe in. Some even dedicating their lives to these time tested teachings. To say this crap in your review, you would be like me going up to your wife, calling her a whore, and then slapping her. Or doing the same to one of your kids.
Did you just do this to jump on the "death to Christianity" bandwagon? Christians have a hard enough time as it is in this society, the last thing we need is another person condemning and stigmatizing us for our beliefs.
In a way, what you say in the review is hypocritical. You say that this game forces it's views on others (which it does), yet you pretty much blast religon in the review, and basically say, "What you believe is wrong, so shut the hell up and see things my way". The game's forcing of beliefs and yours kind of connect, don't they?
In closing, while the game isn't tolerant of other's beliefs, which you basically despise in this review, you appear that you're not exactly tolerant yourself. I'm not looking to alter your entire view of religon in a two-paragraph rant, nor get a "funny" one sentence answer to this email in the mailbag. I'm looking for a serious discussion here, with serious answers.
One gamer to another, rez77706
The Jesus fans strike back, and while it's a bit long, it's a good effort and includes both swearing and a vague threat. Bonus points for equating doubt in Jesus magic with a physical assault on women and children. I'd hate to see what he does to kids that won't eat their broccoli.
Don't worry, rez77706, your Jesus was just a regular guy executed by the Romans. He's not coming back, and he's perfectly safe from my nail gun.
Your review of Legend of Zelda TP is flawed and biased. Please remove it and learn how to write a non biased article that isn't riddled with incorrect information and extreme dislike.
That's another for Zelda. Although i'm not sure "extreme dislike" is correct since I quite liked the game and gave it a good grade.
Fanboy Without A Cause
Subject: you suck cock sucker!
From: Evan Wagner <***********@yahoo.com>
Awesome! Short, insulting, and obscene. But no points because he didn't say which character he was rooting for.
Subject: left behind review.....
From: GARY MEEKIN <**********@sbcglobal.net>
While i agree that the game itself really was kind of a lame idea for a strategy game, the behavior and attitude you have displayed
In the review itself, is about as shody and lacklaster as the game itself was. I really struggled to even get through the review without
the thought "this guys a down right jerk!" coming to mind more than once. The cheap shots that you seemed to think we cute and funny, weren't! Not even a little.
The things you claim don't exist, do exist and are very real. Only a fool would be so ignorant of super natural events that are transpiring around us all
every single day. Is it really so hard to see or figure out that the jews have been in the center piece of history for many thousands of years for a reason?
Wake up , the only thing thats hard to believe is that someone hired you and actually made you feel that you were qualified to write a decent review
for a game. Biased is more the word i choose and truly ignorant of any historical facts surrounding jews or christians.
I doubt it will do any good to suggest this to you, but there is a book called THE NEW EVIDENCE THAT DEMANDS A VERDICT written by Josh Mcdowell.
After reading some of things in that book, which by the way is used in colleges for reference material, you perhaps will at least have an educated oppinion about
some of the things you seem to think you know about.
Subject: Left-Behind review
From: Dave <**********@hotmail.com>
Hi, i have read Game Revolution for about ten years now and have enjoyed it emensly for it's sharp wit and hilarity. I noticed that you roped buddhist into the same category of other belief driven religions. I ask you please not to do this, i am a practicing zen buddhist and i worship nothing, as well there is a great emphasis by my teacher not to cling to any form of relgion, because it will inevitably lead to stupid conflict. That the superior belief is non-belief, and that that practice of buddhism may be driven by convoluted belief systems in parts of the world, but it is steadly moving back to it's roots of simply sitting and listening. Please do not be as ignorant as so many who have not read anything about the practice of buddhism and tossed it off as some sort of hippie cosmic religion.
Well, that's one for umm.... Buddha I guess. How'd he sneak in here? Crafty bastard.
I Am Happy, Thanks For Asking
Subject: Reader Reply
From: jesus gonzales <************@yahoo.com>
You have given Twilight Princess the lowest score
it has recieved
I hope you're happy
If you don't believe me check www.gamerankings.com
You Obviously don't play Zelda because if you did
you would have realized that the reason LoZ:TP doesn't
seem like it offers anything new is because all zelda
games take bits and pieces from previous ones while
still offering new features to keep the legend
Also There has been numerous Links, through Zelda
Games there have been at least 5 different Links.
Although I do agree that the game is a bit on the
easy side. Zelda games have been getting easier scinse
Zelda II: Link's Adventure
While it doesn't score many hate points because it's not as crazy as other emails, I have to include it because it's actually from Jesus. That's a big point for Zelda.
So Nice, He Wrote In Twice
Subject: What a joke!
From: Charles Beeler <*********@s1.com>
Just read your review of Eternal Forces and your first comment on belief in God, in which you insulted every major faith based group, as well as the last comment on the nail gun was revolting and completely uncalled for no matter what your beliefs. I will not frequent your sight and will encourage others to do the same. I think a formal apology is at the very least required. You have offended millions of Americans who do believe in a God (80% I believe last reported). Who in the HELL do you think you are!
Subject: and secondly...
From: Charles Beeler <*********@yahoo.com>
Lets assume as you do that Jesus was not the son of God and we are all crazy as you have stated. Well we are not crazy to believe he was here and was nailed to a cross and died as that is documented in many historical records other than the Bible whether he was the son of God (as I believe) or just a man (as you believe). That makes your comment on the nail gun repulsive no matter what! Whats next, jokes about the Halocost?
Wow, big points for Jesus fans for writing from work, and then again from home over the weekend. "What a joke!" is right, Charles. What gave it away? Was it the Lightning Rod Hat?
I hope no subject ever becomes so taboo that it can't be made fun of. Sacha Cohen's Borat and Bruno characters make Holocaust jokes all the time, and he's damn funny. However, that wasn't the joke you asked for, so here goes:
Duke: What's a Halocost?
Charles: $19.95 at GameStop.
And The Winner Is...
Subject: Hey, Duke?
From: Alex <**********@hotmail.com>
You are a dumbass. Lets look at why you're a dumbass, shail we?
First off, address your attention to gamerankings.com. Now, find the overall review section for Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. You see your review? The one at the bottom? The one that's even lower than the disgrace of a review written by the dick of dicks, Gerstamann? That's why you're a dumbass.
Hey, I don't care whether you have some agenda that Twilight Princess is somehow NOT the greatest game of the year, nie on the greatest game of all time. Maybe you did the cop-out and chose to simply rate it very low to drum up a lot of traffic for your website. Or, maybe you're just completely retarded.
You'll probably get a lot of this, and it's for a good reason: you have no right to rate a game that low when that review actually matters to said games perception on gamerankings.com. You have just joined Gerstmann on a list of people I plan to kick in their balls. I'll probably carve the triforce in your chest and the rating you gave Twilight Princess on your forehead. You'd be surprised how nimble gamers get with a scalpel after playing Trauma Center.
If you value your life and website, let someone do a serious impartial review and not from some dickhead jaded asshole who's too busy felating his Xbox 360 for the most overrated game of the year, Gears of War. Then again, you just might be another Sony whore like many tools out there. You did buy a PS3... so that's probably proof enough right there.
Sorry Jesus, turns out nobody is crazier than Zelda fans. Insults, direct threats of violence and torture, vulgarity and obscene suggestions - this mail has it all. Plus it's from the entire internet.