who is the weakest guy/girl on the staff? who on the staff
can kick the most ass?
Dear Fighting Fan,
Those are super-easy questions
and frankly, we thought it was rather obvious.
The weakest member of the
GR team would have to be Shawn Sparks. There's this little kid named
Shamus who is less than half Spark's size, and Shamus beats the crap
out of Sparks every time they get together. It's really quite sad.
But our staff member that
can kick the most ass is easily our very own femme fatale: A. A. White.
She's got an arsenal of weapons that would make The
Punisher look like an altar boy and she's well versed in 89 different
forms of unarmed combat, including the legendary Crying Fetus stance.
Besides, anybody that could
do this to a poor old lady
is more than our Dorito munchin' asses can handle.
(Kitty picture submitted by David Wurzel)
Yeah! What He Said!
From: "Erik Smith"
Subject: Johnny New Gamer
This is to all the people who write into GR complaining
about their harsh reviews.
Just because you have a crush on Lara Croft does not
mean that "Tomb Raider Alpha7: Lara Puzzle Kart Racing
Party" is a good game. Just because Final Fantasy VII
was the first role-playing game that you played doesn't
make it the best RPG there ever was. And just because
you read message board on an up and coming system does
NOT make you an expert.
IÂ¹m sick and tired of reading all these complaints from
people who have noidea what theyÂ¹re talking about.
Of course everyone is entitled to his or her opinion -
this is America damnit. IÂ¹m not saying that disagreeing
with a GR review makes you a moron (though I could) IÂ¹m
just saying that "you guyz are dumb. XYZ was the best game
that EVR was and U guyz dont know what your fucking talking
about Im never reading your crappy site again" is not a
very good argument and only reinforces the proven notion
that only a moron could have liked the game that you're
so please people, keep your damn opinions to yourself
unless you actually have something to say and let the rest
of us discuss the pros and cons of gaming like the
intelligent (if not jaded) gamers that we are.
P.S. Final Fantasy 7 sucked, Cloud was a schmuck and
Tifa was ugly
Someone give this guy a job!
From now on, please redirect all GR hate mail to our new enforcer, Erik.
We couldn't have said that
better ourselves. Actually that's a lie, we could have, but we're lazy
bastards and Sex in The City is about to start. Later!
Hear Comes The Bride!
From: Isabella Clump
Subject: Ben, where are thee?
Dear Ben, and other GR dudes,
Ben, you must run away with me, far away in a land where
children run free! Your friends Brian, Duke, and Shawn
can come with us, but they must be locked away somewhere
in a jail cell, we don't want them bothering us! You can
visit them occasionally, and perhaps bring them out to
play, but I don't want them slobbering all over me, make
sure they are trained well. Oh please, I beg of you, for
all of those gamers and other people out there to see my
dying love for you, post this message in the mailbag.
They must see!
Well, it's common knowledge
that all the Clump women have
taken a "special" interest in our dashing young Editor King.
But it seems this one
in particular may be the closest to stealing his heart.
Who knows young readers,
soon we may hear the pitter patter of fat little feet from a GR swarming
with tiny Bennies.
Illiteracy and The Truth in Advertising!
Subject: (no subject)
you are a loser starcraft is the best game ever its
not confusing and on the
box it says that it was the best multiplayer game
todate if you cant read you shouldnt be rating games
Wow! That's great advice!
Now we don't have to review anything anymore, we can just copy the back
of the box.
I mean, they would never
put something there if it wasn't true, right?
This is terrific! A quck
scan of the boxes on our gaming shelf proves that we now own many of
the best games of all time. In fact, all of them say great
things! Wow! We must have been wrong when we thought that some
of those games sucked.
We're so very, very happy.
The Next Gen
The Next Gen Headaches!
From: "Chris DuMelle"
Subject: X-Box Questions
Hello, I had a few questions regarding the possible
quality of X-Box games. 1: Most games come out in
Japan and first and show up in the US a few month
later giving developers time to do translations and
tweak the game a bit.
The addition of anti-aliasing on Tekken Tag is a
good example. Being an American system, will the
X-Box lose some of these final tweaks in the US,
while Japan gets the slightly improved version?
2: I understand a lot of PC developers have signed
on to create X-Box games.
This has me slightly worried. PC developers are not
exacting known for
having bug free games. Are we seeing the beginings
of console patches? Traditional console developers
know that what they ship had better be bug free
because there is no way to patch it save for a
recall (BTW, has that ever happened?). With the
X-Box's hard drive PC developers may think it's
business as usual. Should I be worried?
1. That's a
tough one to answer at this point - really only time will tell. But
it's quite possible that US gamers will get the relatively less
desired Xbox game versions because it has been "tweaked" and
improved for the overseas market. Note to Microsoft: We are not your
2. It's true,
PC developers often release unfinished titles that need to be patched
after they hit the store shelves. But one of the reasons this occurs
is because it's nearly impossible to create a game that is 100% compatible
with every PC out there. PCs are like snowflakes - you'll be hard pressed
to find any two that are exactly alike. And this makes it hard to assure
stability across the board.
have this issue because there is a single standard. The inside of all
Playstations is inherently the same. This will be the case for the Xbox
(Unless we missed something)- one system, one standard!
What could throw
this all off is when these systems become internet ready. The Xbox ships
with a hard drive (10 gig I believe). This sounds like a blessing
as load times should diminish greatly. But will this open up the portcullis
to driver and patches hell? Could be. This is our biggest
with a hard drive could give developers a very easy and very familiar
way to make their deadlines. I can see it now...
"Hey how come when I play the Xbox's Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2X,
none of the riders have skateboards?"
Well, the marketing department said the game needed to be released by
the fall but "they" weren't done yet so "they" decided
to release it anyway and have a patch ready for download later.
You PC gamers know what I'm talking about.
Let's just hope
that our PC's dirty habits aren't picked up by their younger console