As the holiday season is upon us I am reminded of Santa Claus making a list and checking it twice, because he knows who is naughty and who is nice. Santa’s a damn spy and I don’t want a plump, old dude of no relation to my children checking on them throughout the year. I’ll buy...
Master Coat of Armor. Gives -15 to Paternal Instincts!
From: "Kali." (******@usa.net)
Subject: latest rant
I understand completely about idiotic people willing to buy
crap that's a piece of armor, weapon, or charater in some
online game. Stuff that has no actual presence in the real
world. Because my father is one of these people. He bought
a Master Coat armor-thing (for Asheron's Call) on ebay for
$200. He told me he paid too much, and knew it, because
usually they sell for $100. Well, gee... only $100? The
next thing he tells me is that I can get a computer 'when
we have the money'. We apperently have money when he needs
to buy a master coat of crapulence, which doesn't really
exist, but don't have money for things that you can actually
use here on planet earth. Sure, computers cost more than
$200, but maybe if we didn't drop everything and bid for
useless things on ebay, I could get a computer. Someone
needs to explain this to me. Of course, my father told me
that you couldn't get that armor in the game anymore.
Big shit. He doesn't even wear that damn armor in the game
whenever I see him play it.
It's not that I dislike videogames, either. I think
Asheron's Call sucks, though, and spend time playing
Diablo II instead. But I don't go spending $200 dollars
for armor I'm not even going to use. Aren't you just proud?
Sorry to vent on you guys, but that rant hit a nerve.
We're glad to hear that you
appreciate the new rant.
But we're not glad to hear that your dad is such a nerd.
When parents fall prey to
this kind of mindless buying, it's time for the kids to take action.
Rather than persecute him for his uncontrollable spending, we recommend
you join him. Start selling items on eBay that you're just sure your
dad will buy. Then just use the money to buy a new computer!
- The Holy Armbands of Frank
- Big-Assed Sword, +2 Vs. Big-Assed Things
- Groin Protector of Zeus
- Unbreakable Rubberband of Light
- Thrakor's Mystical Dentures
- Mort's Legendary Tax Return +3
Voila! Problem solved...though
your dad is still a dork.
On Location In The Social Swamps Of The U.S....
From: "????" (*****@inn.nl)
Subject: WWF NO MERCY FOR N64
Hey I love your site.
My Question is how will the 3D be performed because my
windows media player is to fussy and i can't see ?
Will 2 Cool come out with their black and white (cow)
color jackets with the yellow rim glasses ?
Will Rikishi Do The Yokozuna sit-down
from the turnbuckle ?
Notice, class, how the two
strapping young GR jocks calmly approach our socially inept mystery
writer. In just a few short moments, we'll be witness to what is known
in gaming circles as:
The Wedgie From Hell.
Ssshhh! Quiet! And just watch
as nature's magic unfolds.
P.S. To answer your questions:
Zombie Kart Racing! Zombie Baseball 2000! Zombie Pinball!
From: "???" (*****@gmx.de)
ZOMBIE GAME RULE! THERE SHOULD ZOMBIES IN EVERY GAME! START A PETION!
After reading your letter,
we've deduced that you must be The Hulk. "Zombie Game Rule! Hulk
You're absolutely right!
There should be zombies in racing games, fighting games, RPGs, puzzle
games (zombie Tetris!), and of course those wacky Japanese dating games.
This is where zombies are the most under-represented.
What's wrong with dating
zombies? Sure, they smell bad, have bad teeth and like to eat your brains,
but at least they'll nibble on your ear, and who doesn't want that?
We should start obtaining
signatures. Who's wants to sign the petion? Here, use this penne!
And write on this piece of papr!
Choose And Lose
From: "Sav C" (*****@hotmail.com)
Subject: declining N64 quality
Hey Game Revolution team
My name is Rhys and I was starting to wonder what kind of
future the N64 has out in the big bad world. I know the
PlayStation can hold its own from many killer games just
waiting to be released but sadly I'm seeing a decline in
the amount of quality in N64 titles. Sure maybe Perfect
Dark was a really cool game but how long did we have to
wait for it? 2 maybe 3 years? I know there are many worthy
games on the N64 and even earlier before the dreamcast
came out the "good" games that came out were far and
between from each other. I'm starting to lose faith in
my N64 and I was wondering if you guys can give me a
little hope for the system. Even it and probably the
PlayStations future are becoming more obsolete as the
new game systems are coming out but I just want to know
that I didnt make a bad choice with the system I bought.
Thanx Guys (and gals)
Hey Sav C.
You can rest assured that
of the 3 major systems which are currently available, you picked the
absolute best! And when we say best, we mean worst!
You made an excellent choice, dear friend. The N64 looks to reclaim
its place atop the console mountain with the upcoming release of Bonker
Jerks 8: Butt Bouncin' In Buddha-pest! This platformer goes where
other N64 games haven't by including, at no extra cost, both graphics
and sound! (Note: Sound sold separately. Graphics require upgrade).
And at the affordable, discount
sale price of only 70 dollars, you too can experience this wacky,
fun-filled romp through the land of the Jerks. Just watch out for those
P.S. Please note that Bonker
Jerks is a fictional game. The N64 actually has several really good
games coming out soon, like Driver...er..wait that's GameBoy...or
Metal Gear Solid...crap...that's GameBoy also...um...er....well,
we're sure there's something....uh....Pokemon Rainbow Olympics...or
Again With the Final Fantasy VII.
From: Cloud Strife (******@yahoo.com)
Subject: Final Fantasy 7
How the hell can you give FF7 a B+????? In my
opinion it's the best game ever, and it far surpasses
the weak FF8. Suck one gay faggot
Hello Cloud Strife,
Ahhh...we love e-mails from
By the way, your name is
P.S. A bundle of sticks is
always gonna be a bundle of sticks no matter how attractive you think