GR Mailbag: The Mail Is Your Deliverance!

From: "Kali." (******@usa.net)


Subject: latest rant
I understand completely about idiotic people willing to buy 
crap that's a piece of armor, weapon, or charater in some 
online game. Stuff that has no actual presence in the real 
world. Because my father is one of these people. He bought 
a Master Coat armor-thing (for Asheron's Call) on ebay for 
$200. He told me he paid too much, and knew it, because 
usually they sell for $100. Well, gee... only $100? The 
next thing he tells me is that I can get a computer 'when 
we have the money'. We apperently have money when he needs 
to buy a master coat of crapulence, which doesn't really 
exist, but don't have money for things that you can actually 
use here on planet earth. Sure, computers cost more than 
$200, but maybe if we didn't drop everything and bid for 
useless things on ebay, I could get a computer. Someone 
needs to explain this to me. Of course, my father told me 
that you couldn't get that armor in the game anymore. 
Big shit. He doesn't even wear that damn armor in the game
whenever I see him play it.
It's not that I dislike videogames, either. I think 
Asheron's Call sucks, though, and spend time playing 
Diablo II instead. But I don't go spending $200 dollars 
for armor I'm not even going to use. Aren't you just proud?
Sorry to vent on you guys, but that rant hit a nerve.
-Kali

We're glad to hear that you appreciate the new rant. But we're not glad to hear that your dad is such a nerd.

When parents fall prey to this kind of mindless buying, it's time for the kids to take action. Rather than persecute him for his uncontrollable spending, we recommend you join him. Start selling items on eBay that you're just sure your dad will buy. Then just use the money to buy a new computer!

Not sure which items to sell? How about:

- The Holy Armbands of Frank Moskovitz
- Big-Assed Sword, +2 Vs. Big-Assed Things
- Groin Protector of Zeus
- Unbreakable Rubberband of Light
- Thrakor's Mystical Dentures
- Mort's Legendary Tax Return +3

Voila! Problem solved...though your dad is still a dork.

-GR

From: "????" (*****@inn.nl)


Subject: WWF NO MERCY FOR N64
Hey I love your site.
My Question is how will the 3D be performed because my 
windows media player is to fussy and i can't see ?
Will 2 Cool come out with their black and white (cow) 
color jackets with the yellow rim glasses ?
Will Rikishi Do The Yokozuna sit-down 
from the turnbuckle ?

Notice, class, how the two strapping young GR jocks calmly approach our socially inept mystery writer. In just a few short moments, we'll be witness to what is known in gaming circles as:

The Wedgie From Hell.

Ssshhh! Quiet! And just watch as nature's magic unfolds.

-GR

P.S. To answer your questions:

1. You're
2. On
3. Crack

From: "???" (*****@gmx.de)
Subject: hey
ZOMBIE GAME RULE! THERE SHOULD ZOMBIES IN EVERY GAME! START A PETION!

After reading your letter, we've deduced that you must be The Hulk. "Zombie Game Rule! Hulk Smash!"

You're absolutely right! There should be zombies in racing games, fighting games, RPGs, puzzle games (zombie Tetris!), and of course those wacky Japanese dating games. This is where zombies are the most under-represented.

What's wrong with dating zombies? Sure, they smell bad, have bad teeth and like to eat your brains, but at least they'll nibble on your ear, and who doesn't want that?

We should start obtaining signatures. Who's wants to sign the petion? Here, use this penne! And write on this piece of papr!

-GR

From: "Sav C" (*****@hotmail.com)

Subject: declining N64 quality
Hey Game Revolution team
My name is Rhys and I was starting to wonder what kind of 
future the N64 has out in the big bad world. I know the 
PlayStation can hold its own from many killer games just 
waiting to be released but sadly I'm seeing a decline in 
the amount of quality in N64 titles. Sure maybe Perfect 
Dark was a really cool game but how long did we have to 
wait for it? 2 maybe 3 years? I know there are many worthy 
games on the N64 and even earlier before the dreamcast 
came out the "good" games that came out were far and 
between from each other. I'm starting to lose faith in 
my N64 and I was wondering if you guys can give me a 
little hope for the system. Even it and probably the 
PlayStations future are becoming more obsolete as the 
new game systems are coming out but I just want to know 
that I didnt make a bad choice with the system I bought.
Thanx Guys (and gals)
Rhys

You can rest assured that of the 3 major systems which are currently available, you picked the absolute best! And when we say best, we mean worst!

You made an excellent choice, dear friend. The N64 looks to reclaim its place atop the console mountain with the upcoming release of Bonker Jerks 8: Butt Bouncin' In Buddha-pest! This platformer goes where other N64 games haven't by including, at no extra cost, both graphics and sound! (Note: Sound sold separately. Graphics require upgrade).

And at the affordable, discount sale price of only 70 dollars, you too can experience this wacky, fun-filled romp through the land of the Jerks. Just watch out for those hamburgers!

-GR

P.S. Please note that Bonker Jerks is a fictional game. The N64 actually has several really good games coming out soon, like Driver...er..wait that's GameBoy...or Metal Gear Solid...crap...that's GameBoy also...um...er....well, we're sure there's something....uh....Pokemon Rainbow Olympics...or something?

From: Cloud Strife (******@yahoo.com)
Subject: Final Fantasy 7

How the hell can you give FF7 a B+????? In my
opinion it's the best game ever, and it far surpasses
the weak FF8. Suck one gay faggot

Ahhh...we love e-mails from unbiased readers.

By the way, your name is CLOUD STRIFE.

-GR

P.S. A bundle of sticks is always gonna be a bundle of sticks no matter how attractive you think they are.