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FEATURED VOXPOP Master_Craig
Welcome Home - PAX AUS 2014
By Master_Craig
Posted on 11/18/14
Last night I returned home from PAX AUS 2014. Long story short, it wasn't perfect, but it was quite possibly the best weekend I've had this year. It was a lot of fun. If you'd like to continue reading, the long story is just below. Buckle up. This is gonna be...

DAILY MANIFESTO

GR Mailbag: The Mail Is Your Deliverance!

Posted on Monday, August 21 @ 12:13:14 Eastern by Duke_Ferris
Master Coat of Armor. Gives -15 to Paternal Instincts!
From: "Kali." (******@usa.net)


Subject: latest rant I understand completely about idiotic people willing to buy crap that's a piece of armor, weapon, or charater in some online game. Stuff that has no actual presence in the real world. Because my father is one of these people. He bought a Master Coat armor-thing (for Asheron's Call) on ebay for $200. He told me he paid too much, and knew it, because usually they sell for $100. Well, gee... only $100? The next thing he tells me is that I can get a computer 'when we have the money'. We apperently have money when he needs to buy a master coat of crapulence, which doesn't really exist, but don't have money for things that you can actually use here on planet earth. Sure, computers cost more than $200, but maybe if we didn't drop everything and bid for useless things on ebay, I could get a computer. Someone needs to explain this to me. Of course, my father told me that you couldn't get that armor in the game anymore. Big shit. He doesn't even wear that damn armor in the game whenever I see him play it. It's not that I dislike videogames, either. I think Asheron's Call sucks, though, and spend time playing Diablo II instead. But I don't go spending $200 dollars for armor I'm not even going to use. Aren't you just proud? Sorry to vent on you guys, but that rant hit a nerve. -Kali
Hey Kali,

We're glad to hear that you appreciate the new rant. But we're not glad to hear that your dad is such a nerd.

When parents fall prey to this kind of mindless buying, it's time for the kids to take action. Rather than persecute him for his uncontrollable spending, we recommend you join him. Start selling items on eBay that you're just sure your dad will buy. Then just use the money to buy a new computer!

Not sure which items to sell? How about:

- The Holy Armbands of Frank Moskovitz
- Big-Assed Sword, +2 Vs. Big-Assed Things
- Groin Protector of Zeus
- Unbreakable Rubberband of Light
- Thrakor's Mystical Dentures
- Mort's Legendary Tax Return +3

Voila! Problem solved...though your dad is still a dork.

-GR

On Location In The Social Swamps Of The U.S....
From: "????" (*****@inn.nl)


Subject: WWF NO MERCY FOR N64 Hey I love your site. My Question is how will the 3D be performed because my windows media player is to fussy and i can't see ? Will 2 Cool come out with their black and white (cow) color jackets with the yellow rim glasses ? Will Rikishi Do The Yokozuna sit-down from the turnbuckle ?
Hi ???,

Notice, class, how the two strapping young GR jocks calmly approach our socially inept mystery writer. In just a few short moments, we'll be witness to what is known in gaming circles as:

The Wedgie From Hell.

Ssshhh! Quiet! And just watch as nature's magic unfolds.

-GR

P.S. To answer your questions:

1. You're
2. On
3. Crack

Zombie Kart Racing! Zombie Baseball 2000! Zombie Pinball!
From: "???" (*****@gmx.de)
Subject: hey
ZOMBIE GAME RULE! THERE SHOULD ZOMBIES IN EVERY GAME! START A PETION!
Hiya,

After reading your letter, we've deduced that you must be The Hulk. "Zombie Game Rule! Hulk Smash!"

You're absolutely right! There should be zombies in racing games, fighting games, RPGs, puzzle games (zombie Tetris!), and of course those wacky Japanese dating games. This is where zombies are the most under-represented.

What's wrong with dating zombies? Sure, they smell bad, have bad teeth and like to eat your brains, but at least they'll nibble on your ear, and who doesn't want that?

We should start obtaining signatures. Who's wants to sign the petion? Here, use this penne! And write on this piece of papr!

-GR

Choose And Lose
From: "Sav C" (*****@hotmail.com)

Subject: declining N64 quality Hey Game Revolution team My name is Rhys and I was starting to wonder what kind of future the N64 has out in the big bad world. I know the PlayStation can hold its own from many killer games just waiting to be released but sadly I'm seeing a decline in the amount of quality in N64 titles. Sure maybe Perfect Dark was a really cool game but how long did we have to wait for it? 2 maybe 3 years? I know there are many worthy games on the N64 and even earlier before the dreamcast came out the "good" games that came out were far and between from each other. I'm starting to lose faith in my N64 and I was wondering if you guys can give me a little hope for the system. Even it and probably the PlayStations future are becoming more obsolete as the new game systems are coming out but I just want to know that I didnt make a bad choice with the system I bought. Thanx Guys (and gals) Rhys
Hey Sav C.

You can rest assured that of the 3 major systems which are currently available, you picked the absolute best! And when we say best, we mean worst!

You made an excellent choice, dear friend. The N64 looks to reclaim its place atop the console mountain with the upcoming release of Bonker Jerks 8: Butt Bouncin' In Buddha-pest! This platformer goes where other N64 games haven't by including, at no extra cost, both graphics and sound! (Note: Sound sold separately. Graphics require upgrade).

And at the affordable, discount sale price of only 70 dollars, you too can experience this wacky, fun-filled romp through the land of the Jerks. Just watch out for those hamburgers!

-GR

P.S. Please note that Bonker Jerks is a fictional game. The N64 actually has several really good games coming out soon, like Driver...er..wait that's GameBoy...or Metal Gear Solid...crap...that's GameBoy also...um...er....well, we're sure there's something....uh....Pokemon Rainbow Olympics...or something?

Again With the Final Fantasy VII.
From: Cloud Strife (******@yahoo.com)
Subject: Final Fantasy 7
How the hell can you give FF7 a B+????? In my
opinion it's the best game ever, and it far surpasses
the weak FF8. Suck one gay faggot
Hello Cloud Strife,

Ahhh...we love e-mails from unbiased readers.

By the way, your name is CLOUD STRIFE.

-GR

P.S. A bundle of sticks is always gonna be a bundle of sticks no matter how attractive you think they are.

Tags:   gr mailbag


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