GR Mailbag: The GR Mailman Is A Retired Wallhacker

From: "Mike"
Subject: ???
Dear reviewers,
You guys are my official word on videogame buying. I usually 
don't buy a game without your consent. I have a few questions. 
Why are you so tough on games (nothing has gotten an A+)? 
Why are you guys so slow on getting dreamcast reviews? I 
would be more then thankful if you guys reviewed the game 
Dragon riders chronicles of pern.
Sincerely 
Mike

Mike,

We're tough on games because games are tough on our wallets, and we are firm believers in a balance of power.

Why are we slow with turning out Dreamcast reviews? Well, we will let you know when we figure that one out ourselves. We suspect somewhere nearby is a shady postal worker selling Dreamcast games intended for GR out of the back of his mail truck.

Dragon Rider Chronicles is, like most games, a potential review piece. But things often deter that from happening. The game may not be sent to us, or the developers may kidnap the reviewer to prevent the truth about their game from going public. There are many factors that can prevent a game from becoming a review (kind of like how a Bill becomes a law, but less cute).

In the special case of Dragon Rider Chronicles, however, good old-fashioned fraud was to blame. Why? Because there is no dragon riding in Dragon Rider Chronicles. Believe it or not!

You'll read all about it in our review...maybe.

- GR

From: "Jake"

Subject: Gaming in college

Hello,
My name is Jake. Im going to go to college for multi media, 
which Im interested mainly in Game development and Animation. 
I have a question...2 actually. How do you become a member on 
Game-Revolution? And any advice on becoming a gamer? 
Thanks for your time.
Jake (BOCAJ)

Hi Jake,

To become a member you just need to sign up for our illustrious and fabulously witty newsletter, which we just signed you up for. Muahaha. Expect that fine piece of literary magic in your e-mail inbox every Friday. No need to thank us.

But "how to become a gamer?" That's tricky...

...but thanks to our simple yet effective 4 step program, you can call yourself a gamer in no time flat! WATCH all the girls run away! SQUEAL with delight as you get a couple big zits! LAUGH like a maniac as you spray a room full of Terrorists down with the colt in CS!

1. You will need to obtain a video game playing device. A console or PC will do. Game Boys don't qualify as you are still able to travel, see the light of day and be social. Lame!

2. Next, you need to locate a convience store, something as close to your gaming device as possible. 7/11s are great for this but anything will do - liquor stores, vending machines, whatever. This will be your supply depot where all essential stomach churning snacks and syrupy sweet, carbonated beverages are purchased.

3. Exercise...or to be specific, the lack thereof. Here what we are trying to achieve is a nice roundness to the physique, nothing debilitating. Remember, you need to make those speedy trips to your "supply depot." A sizeable beer belly is acceptable.

4. Of greatest importance is nerdy gamer jargon. Like the art of proper Dorito cunsumption, becoming fluent in gamer jargon is a long process requiring years of cultivation.

- Use words like "polygonal" and "z-buffering" in everyday conversation.

- Come up with three ways to use the word "gameplay" in a sentence.

- Replace normal words with gamer words. Example: "That waitress has the cheat code to my heart. She r0x0rs!"

Good Luck!

- GR

From: "A informed gamer" 
Subject: ???
Hello GR,
I love your reviews, because they are witty and funny. 
But will you guys quit picking on Gorge Bush. I mean, 
I would rather have a person who talks with a lisp. 
Then a serial rapist, murderer, swindler, and a lier 
that we had in office last term.
A informed game

To A Informed Gamer,

Thanks for the nice words, but you've got to be kidding sticking up for old George. He's a barrel of laughs...and speaking of barrels...

- GR

From: Andrew
Subject: What do these games have in common!?!?

In response to "What do the games Bonker Jerks 2, 
Turbo Can-Kick XL: I Think I Can, Hugh Hefner's Pro 
Skater 4: Playmate of the Year Edition and 
Stephen Hawking's Kart Racer all have in common?"
I would have to say that they have all slept with 
Gary Condit WAAAAOOOOH!
-Andrew

Hello Andrew,

Now that's just not nice - correct, but not nice. I bet you could sell that information to the authorities for a pretty penny. Chandra Levy's parents would thank you.

Now see if you can answer us this: Why are politicians so damn shady?

- GR

From: "Ryan Thompson"
Subject: previews
Hey GR,
I have a quick question. Why don't you ever say bad
things in your previews? Considering that your reviews
are so harsh (but fair), I'd think that your previews
would be a bit more critical, too. Just seems kind of
off balanced. Well, seeya.
-The CheeseGod 

Hey there Ryan,

While it seems that the only thing separating a preview from a review is the letter 'p', there's actually another major difference betweeen the two. Previews are written about games that have yet to be completed. We can't really critique a game that isn't done, which is why game companies and fans love previews.

How stupid would we look by if we complained about something and then found that it was fixed in the finished version? That's just not fair. Previews mainly exist to just get the word out on upcoming games and better describe the ins and outs. We save all the bad bits for the final product review bashing.

- GR