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Welcome Back to the West
By oneshotstop
Posted on 08/01/16
The only thing that stops the dust is the rain. It’s a sweet reprieve, but there is no middle ground. The land is either as dry as the Betty Ford clinic, or as wet as the ocean floor. Everything can be seen from the ridge overlooking Armadillo as John Marston gently bounces along atop...


GR Mailbag: Just Another Manic Monday...Mail

Posted on Monday, August 20 @ 12:13:14 PST by Duke_Ferris
Have You Hugged a Zombie Today?
From: "Cheese Dolphin"
Subject: The popularity of zombie games I know it will be hard to break away from your habitual drug habits and beautiful women who fawn at your every move to actually answer to this, but please give input. Do you believe that we are getting a larger influx of zombie games simply because that is the closest thing to being able to shoot actual people? Most games have that feature, but with zombie games, it is always so much more gratifying. Take House of the Dead for example, most games like Quake let you blow someone against a wall with a mini-missle, but they stay in one piece. With HOTD though, it lets you blow the heads off of psudo-human forms, then blow even larger holes in their chest cavity. I myself have beaten that game thirteen times purely for the joy of taking head shots and shooting monkeys. Also, when your parents ask why exactly you play such a violent game, you can always say that they aren't exactly human, not so for Quake and other FPS. Do the masters at the GR fortress/compound/city-state believe this, or is there another reason?

Dear Cheese Dolphin,

Wait a minute...shooting zombies is gratifying? Oh, the atrocity! Some of our best friends are zombies. Some are even zombie alcoholics.

It's no secret that we love zombies. So they aren't the most articulate conversationalists or the snazziest of dressers and sometimes they smell a little like fresh cooked chitterlings. Who cares! They're good people, even if they have a habit of biting your head.

Heck, some of them can even dance like this. Don't find 'em attractive? How about this lil' zombie sweetie?

We think there are more zombies in games and movies simply because zombies hold many more positions of influence than they have in the past. Why is that? Simple. They eat brains. Lots of 'em. Then they make more zombies. Just like rabbits! They can't be stopped, you know. Just go watch a movie or two and you'll understand.

- GR

P.S. If you think blowing off limbs in House of the Dead was fulfilling, then you haven't played Soldier of Fortune...

The Wise Man Cometh
From: "J Dawgg
Subject: ???
This is to all the people who write into GR complaining about 
their harsh reviews.
Hey... I've been debating to myself if I should reserve a gamecube or an xbox when they come of right now I am leaning more for the gamecube (but that is only because it's as far as I know it is $100 cheaper.)But that still doesn't mean I am going to get one for sure... so I came up with a solution and that is: which ever system that will have better launch games (in my opinion) I will buy. So if you guys could (if you haven't already) please post up on the message board or where ever on your website the launch titles for the xbox and gamegube............. Thanks A Million - J Dawg

Hey J Dawgg,

Wow! Two insightful e-mails in as many weeks. We can't believe it. Either gamers are getting wiser or the powers-that-be have put something special in the Mountain Dew.

The final launch lineups haven't been solidified yet, but in the meantime you can check out our Screen and Fact archive for a bunch of Xbox and Gamecube info.


We RULE!!!
From: Simon Houston

Wazzup Game-Revolution dudes, Man, you guys KICK the asses of the other wimpy gaming sites. Let's give a round of applause to the makers of this KNARLY site! I want to give thanks to providing me with the most excellent information around to every staff member of the site (well, the ones who do the most work!) Duke - Man, isn't this guy a master or what? He can rule all the land! He sure shows power in his his reviews, and has a great sense of humor! Ben - I love this guy. (Not LOVE LOVE) but he's awesome! Not only does he work his butt off to do AWESOME WORK, he is funny! One of my personal favorite guys of GR. Brian - This guy works undercover. He can do a whole bunch of work and not even be noticed! This guy is the sh*t, GEE RULES ALL CALIFORNIA! Why didn't he tell anyone he was a spy? Shawn - The man in charge of the funny crap! He is the funniest of the funnies! He writes tubular reviews and I mean tubular! Do a dance for us Shawn, your name sounds funky (AWESOME FUNKY) Johnny Liu - Go Johnny go Johnny! It's your birthday, it's your birthday. Keep up the good reviews man! A.A. White - This woman's got attitude! She can write reviews freely and with elegance! This woman rocks the house! G-Wok - We love these guy's reviews! Shawn Sparks - What is it about this guy that just makes me want to scream AWESOME!!! His reviews are awesome too!!! Well, that's what me and my class think of you guys. You guys are the greatest of the greatest. We mean it too! Any of you non GR fans who make fun of GR, you should go sh*t yourself! BYE GR! FROM THE CLASS OF SAN FRANCISCO MIDDLE SCHOOLS! Simon, and all of his friends.

Dear Simon,

Thanks for the kind words. We really appreciate you appreciating us, though we're also kinda scared. Please refrain from ever using the word "tubular" again. And Ben feels a little uncomfortable about you talking about his butt.

Thanks again!

- GR

The Truth Behind H30!
From: "Ryan Thompson"
Subject: H30 surfing
First off I love your website. I check it every day
(despite the fact it isn't updated every day, but hey,
i've got time on my hands). Anyway, I wrote this
letter in response to something in the review of H30
No, i'm not going to tell you that its a great game
and you all suck, because that game royally sucks
toenail clippings (Its not worthy of sucking my
beautiful ass). The review asked what H30 is if H20 is
water. You suggested that it was perhaps a jelly-like
substance (mmm...Jelly...) But it is actually acid
(No, not the good kind of acid). 
It is formed when you drop HCL powder or another
powdered acid into water. I guess the guys who named
that game failed Chemistry! I'd hate be one of those
surfers, or even worse, someone who bought that
craptastic game. Well, thanks for listening to my
dorky correction. ROCK ON!
-The Cheesegod

Greetings Ryan,

Thanks a lot for clearing that up for us. We were beginning to fear for our safety. This just goes to show - a nerd is a terrible thing to waste.

Thank god for chemistry! Well, except for the part that makes bombs or any substance that can peel the skin from your flesh just by sniffing it. We'll thank big stupid megalomaniacs for that, like Caligula, Skeletor, or George W. Bush.

- GR

Is There a Doctor In The House?
From: "****"
Subject: stop making Dreamcast!
Now that there are no more Dreamcasts,what happens if 
one brakes? who will fix it? what if it needs parts? 
I dont own one yet, but i dont want to blow $100 on 
something that can't be kept going

Greetings AOL Subscriber,

That's a fair question and deserves a fair answer. Darn.

Sega is still around making games and plans to be for many years to come. They've just decided to stop production on the Dreamcast. So if your Dreamcast comes down with something (sniffles, stuffy head, cramps, etc.), you should still be able to contact Sega's technical support and utilize your DC warranty.

But if Sega proves to be less than helpful (which very well may be the case) or your warranty is rendered void because you felt the need to fondle your DC's innards for one reason or another, then you can go here or here to get in touch with some Dreamcast doctors. Both places offer repairs and replacement parts.


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