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Welcome Back to the West
By oneshotstop
Posted on 08/01/16
The only thing that stops the dust is the rain. It’s a sweet reprieve, but there is no middle ground. The land is either as dry as the Betty Ford clinic, or as wet as the ocean floor. Everything can be seen from the ridge overlooking Armadillo as John Marston gently bounces along atop...


GR Mailbag: It Must Be A Full Moon

Posted on Monday, November 17 @ 12:13:14 PST by Duke_Ferris
Worst... Mail... Ever?

From: John Carruthers
Subject: angered and rejected

Dear Sir,
I was very shocked and saddened to see that your avatar upload feature is not functioning correctly. I was attemping to upload a picture of my favourite pet iguana Lizzie but after spending ages preparing a suitable graphic circa your avatar requirements (which included a call to my brother in law Harry, and lord knows thats never pleasant since that time last xmas when he made that embarrassing faux pas at the dinner table but we dont talk about that anymore, after all the spoons are very easy to mix up and mothers never been entirely reasonable when it comes to the holiday period). I even downloaded a graphic program to 'crop' (i believe thats the term) the picture into size. People should really make resizing easier though the photographs of the king i got off the inter-net dont fit well on my screentop.

Please cancel my account immediately and i suggest you dont have a public forum if it cant function as expected. If i had paid for this service in a shop i would certainly be entitled to some sort of refund, and certainly morally i feel this is the case here for the pure time expenditure on my part. I`ve spent more time working on this than planned and need to hurry out to the 24 hour convenience store to get my foot cream before it closes. I would be interested to hear how we could make our peace though. I`m a big follower of your game and hope this devil may care attitude does not carry on to your future releases and that many others do not have to protest before rectification occurs.

Very embittered and somewhat aghast at this state of affairs,
John Carruthers

Dear John,

We are very saddened to hear that you had trouble with our forums. Or possibly someone else's forums. Or a game of some sort.

However, we couldn't help but notice that you are clearly not the fictitious "John Carruthers," and are really the Comic Book Guy.

But thanks for writing to us, anyway. We're big fans.

Hope your feet feel better,


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In Translation

From: ********
Subject: Help, for the gamers sake (and mine)

All over the internet (okay, maybe at three or four different sites, but its still a notorious problem) gamers speak out and complain about a fustrating subject matter which plagues anyone who is not a foreign language linguist. Pronunciation. We have games, created in Japan and shipped to the states, and in no way do our friends at Square, or Atlus, or Idos, ever attempt to help their loyal consumers out with the more-than-difficult pronunciation of some of these names. "Beoulve", for one example, the hero in Final Fantasy Tactics (which I believe recieved an UNFAIR review, might I add), Celes, and Locke, from Final Fantasy 3, which are so often mispronounced as "LockEE" and "CeEElEEs", and the notorious CHOCOBO, which I have heard called a hundred different things, all in one, niave dialect. We need help!

I ask you, o' wise game-revolutions editor, dedicate time in clearing up these widely known miscommunications among our allies.

Always Faithful,


*Pronunciation Key

Eating Crow?

From: ********
Subject: comment on a past review

one of the games u reviewed, THE CROW:CITY OF ANGELS, holds false information in its text. it states

"Ahhhhh.... Another game based on a movie. This time, however, the game is based on an awful movie, which was the sequel to a pretty bad movie (somehow completed despite the untimely death of the lead actor, Brandon Lee), which was based on a slightly better than average comic book. Did you follow all that? I bet you can guess what it all adds up to. Crap."

for one the crow movie is actually a really great movie. the sequel did suck yes i agree, but the first movie has inspired millions and actually had alot more going on than the average assh*le would pick up on. the comic book is alot better than average and if a serious developer actually took the time to do THE CROW justice you would have one kick ass game. your comment about the gothy artsy appearance the main character possesses greaty offends me, me being a goth myself. and if other goths where to look at that comment they would be too. its not good to just throw away a majority of your readers by insulting their style. and if you actually knew anything about the production of the movie. the reason why they managed to finish it was because Brandon Lee(son of Bruce Lee) died during the last 3 days of shooting and since the movie was for the most part completed they cut no more than 4 or 5 scenes. if you have something against goths and the artsy types id like to see how you feel about yourself. those who dislike others because of how they dress and live their life if it doesnt hurt you directly, are nothing short of pathetic.

thank you and have a nice day.

Dear Unfortunate Goth AOL Subscriber,

Our recent Halloween Horrors feature had a big link to the pathetic excuse for a game that was The Crow. And of course, that led to yet another volley of hate mail that we like to simply call Crow Mail.

Look, goth guy, it's simple. Wearing black eyeliner and a studded wristband does not make your pain special. You will never be a vampire, and you cannot cast spells using a black candle. Pretty much, you just look silly. But if that's how you want to live, have fun. Er, not fun. Depression. Whatever it is that makes you happy.

But no matter how much you try, there is simply no way to convince us that The Crow video game didn't completely suck. Now go re-read all your Anne Rice novels and leave us alone.


A Murder Of Crows!

From: Greg Sharman
Subject: the crow

how the hell was that an unbiased review! u slagged one of the best
ever movies going, shows how much u computer nerds know about nefing, u
compared the game to the film, which is not inteligent ,like u said the
review would be, because its impoosible to compare the two! and just
because the game doesnt impress u, doesnt mean u have to stop people
buying it!!! stick to what u are best at, waking of to animal porn on ur
computer screen before daddy comes home!! or is that it, are u mad at ur
dad? is that y u are so negative? upoor s.o.b.

Dear Greg,

Your meaningless ranting, horrifying grammar and nearly indecipherable spelling is not the first e-mail we've received regarding The Crow. In fact, it's not even the first one this week. How embarrassing for you!

If only you and the goth guy above could help ease one another through this painful existence. We'd put you in touch, but since you're across the pond and we have no idea where goth guy is from, perhaps you can find solace here! Beware the spider!


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