GR Mailbag: Next-Gen Answers For New Year Questions!

From: "NICK VOKEY" (***@hotmail.com)
Subject: I want in
Dear Game Revolution,
I was wondering if you could send some info on how to get 
in on the action at Game Revolution. I've been visiting 
you're site religiously for the past few years and have 
read damn near every review on the site. So if you could 
just send some info on what you guys are really about i'd 
really appriciate it.
Thanks,
Nick

Nick,

We're all about sleep, and lots of it. And when we say sleep, we mean beer.

You wanna work here? Then figure out a way for us to play CS constantly while updating the site every day. Oh, and you'll have to write insightful reviews to save the world from bad games like this one and that one. And you have to take out the garbage and keep the fridge stocked with caffeinated bubbly beverages. And you have to rub my back. And his. And you have to take our clothes to the cleaners, and this time less starch.

- GR

From: "???" (***@aol.com)
Subject: the anime invasion
hey GR, im scared, very scared. Everyone around me is being brain 
washed by god awful japanese garbage. My friends are all under 
some hipno-zombie beam that turns them into wierdos. They all 
watch anime. Now video games are one thing they r good, and alot 
of them come from japan, but anime is got to be the worst thing 
i have ever seen in my life. its an invasion, this is payback 
for iwa jima, the nuclear bomb attacks, and the ABC prime time 
line up!. our saturday mornings are filled with god-awful crap 
that doesnt even make sense, what ever happened to eek the cat?. 
My friend, jerry, watches this wierd crap called bebop cowbow. 
i dont know if u guys have seen this or not but it is crap. 
also my other friend, drew blew 20 bucks on a gundam DVD. now 
im sure u guys have seen this and it is full of nasty homo-sex. 
YECH! those people in japan must be some sick twisted freaks to 
see gay-porn and robots as entertainment. So GR can u help me out 
by giving me the solution to how to save my friends from crap?

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

You can't. Save yourself! Though not all anime is trash, most of it is highly questionable. It's the Black Death of today's cartoons.

It's one thing to have effeminate male characters running amuck, but's it's another thing entirely to have a magic finger, a princess, some mech-robots, sex-starved demons, girls that turn into boys, boys that turn into ducks, and lethal cosmetics tossed in to what in every other way seems like a perfectly normal high school soap opera.

If you really want to save your friends, show them these pictures of their favorite anime heros during their off-hours, without all the padded suits, make-up and strategic camera angles. They don't look so cool after all...

-GR

From: "???" (***@aol.com)
Subject: (no subject)
??????? Did I send you that??? I musta been on crack......
P.S What is juicier, nerd brains or game-reviewer brains?

Dear Yet Another Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

Zombie Duke says there isn't much difference, except game-reviewer brains are much, much larger. And sexier. And have bigger pecs.

- GR

From: "Alcia" (***@aol.com)
Subject: I do not play in the nude!

Why is it that whenever I'm playing a game of Counter 
Strike, or Day of Defeat, and people find out I am a 
girl, they simply have to ask if I'm playing nude? 
I mean, c'mon now. Do they honestly believe that any 
girl really does that? And second of all, why do all 
you guys get so aggitated to know you're being beaten 
by a girl? I do really really well in both CS, and DoD, 
and everyone is fine with it until they figure out that 
"Alcia Haro" is a female name, and then freak out and 
accuse me of cheating.... 
::sigh:: Well, thanks GR guys! Love your site. 
~Alcia

Hey Alcia,

They're only asking you that for two reasons. The first is that they're* dorks with little life outside of the warm glow of their monitors.

Secondly, all boys play online FPS games in the nude with a little red bowtie around their...controls. Why wouldn't girls do the same?

You should see GR office LAN parties. You never have to worry about what to wear. They're a blast, though I'd advise bringing your own controller...

-GR

* Feel free to replace every instance of the word 'they' with the word 'we.'

From: "Jason M. Madey" (***@attbi.com) 
Subject: who do you guys think you are?

I want to know who reviewed RTCW? and what were they 
thinking when writing the review. This person must be 
some kind of idiot and jerk for giving it the grade 
they did. Its not even so much the grade but the 
reasons why it only got a B. On of the negative 
things about the game was"- Killing Zombie Nazis?" 
What is wrong with killing zombie nazis? It not only 
adds character to the game but makes more interesting 
and gives the game some difficulty(some zombie nazis 
were hard). Another negative reason was "- Great 
Looking Zombie Nazis?" Now what the hell is wrong 
with that?? The zombies look beautiful(relatively 
speaking) just like the rest of the game. Who do you 
think you are(writer of review) to put that as a 
negative? Not many things piss me off but this does, 
some low budget game website giving bad reasons for 
why a game is not good. I mean wtf is wrong with 
killing zombie nazis that look good? I do not 
understand. Please email me back giving me a 
reasonable explanation for this. I am guessing 
though you wont email me back about it because you 
have no good reason for why you did this. 
Jason Maded

Hello Jason,

"Low budget website?" Maybe. But we're also the third largest gaming review site in the world (soon to be 1st or 2nd, as the competition is slowly going the way of the California grizzly). You might want to do your homework before opening your piehole next time.

Now, about Return to Castle Wolfenstein...

You may not be familiar with us, but GR is known for being hardcore and telling it like it is. We don't give out "A's" to any old game, and frankly, a "B" from us is a damn good grade.

You also seem to have misunderstood the humorous intent of the report card. Please read the entire review before you jump to hasty conclusions. You'll learn all kinds of stuff, like an answer to the question, "what is wrong with killing zombie nazis?"

- GR