GR Mailbag: At Least You're Not Killing Trees

From: "jaq" 
Subject: wet attack 
Is there only one "wet attack" game? 
i bought my boyfriend the lula wet attack pc cd game.. 
"the empire cums back" by cdv software. well, what else can you 
buy a man who has everything? [giggle] 
anyway, i have seen the 'cheats' but do they relate to the 
pc cd game cos we can't find out where to enter the codes? 
also, when in the space-ship, after shooting at the earth police, 
the game freezes.[am using a wingman extreme joystick] 
i found a patch on the cdv website,and installed it, but 
it doesnt seem to have made any difference. i appreciate 
its an old game, but it looked fun to play, i would like to 
know if anyone else has played it or has any useful info. also,
i have seen the cheat codes, but no-one explains how to 
input them. 
many thanks 
jaq 

Dear Jaq,

When we first read your letter, we figured you were just a lonely guy looking for cheats for a cheesy pseudo-porn game. Then we read it again, and we realized that you bought Wet Attack for your boyfriend, which means either:

1.) You're a girl, and you're out of your mind.
2.) You're a lonely guy looking for cheats for a porn game and you're lying to us.

What else can you buy a man that has everything? How about a new shirt? How about some cool CDs? But Wet Attack? Once a man gets a taste of computer gaming porn, it's all over for the relationship. Just ask Duke, who once lost a relationship over Custer's Revenge...

-GR

From: ********@aol.com

Subject: The monkey
I have noticed that on the Features page there is 
often a picture of a monkey next to the Penny Arcade 
link. I have never seen this monkey in one of the 
cartoons before. Who is he and what does he have to 
do with the comic?

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

You mean Mr. Tails? He made several appearances in older PA strips, though he seems to be on an extended vacation.

Besides, Mr. Tails can't match up with Max, the GR Monkey Kung-Fu Master!

(2.5 MB, but well worth it. Kiiiyay!)

-GR

From: "robert" 
Subject: help
Hi we just got this game. We are not sure how to 
open doors or gates. Do they open? If so how do you 
open them? Thanks chill7

Dear Robert,

To open doors, simply grab the doorknob with your hand. Then, twist your hand at the wrist. If it doesn't do anything, twist it the other direction.

Ultimately, this is what you're going for. Good Luck!

-GR

From: **********@aol.com
Subject: (no subject)

in baldurs gate dark alliance, i take off the elven girls armor 
and have her fight in her underwear. is that wrong?

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

Please read the first mailbag entry.

-GR

From: "lord otaku" 
Subject: feeling...............twisted.
hey.
so here i am sitting with my friend when she hands me 
this weird game, i think she called it a dating sim. i played it. 
kinda fell in love with it. got me thinking.
japan gets to have a lot more games then we do. they try lots of 
different styles and range from the plain weird, to the down 
right hard core pornographic.
exactly how many games exsist that we have never heard about 
that are controversial, pornographic and/or just plain fuggin 
whack?
im talking naked anime chicks vs. poo flinging monkeys in a 
battle for the pink banana of flatulance.
dont know why i want to know....maybe its just a 
mood im in....
oooooooooh dohnuts.
sighned 
blart

Dear Blart,

Indeed, Japan is known for some of the strangest games ever. Recent oddities like Mister Mosquito just scratch the surface. There was Irritating Stick, which requires ointment. And how about Stretch Panic, which featured the exploits of a little girl and her demonic scarf. It also scared the pants off my sister.

Speaking of losing your pants, our favorite weird new Japanese game is Boonga Boonga, in which you must ram a plastic finger up a fake plastic ass. No, we're not lying.

-GR