Update: I was unfortunately not aware of Shamus Young's severe criticism of Fallout 3 available here to link in the original piece and I regret that. It dovetails rather nicely with what I've written and it's much better executed than my piece. I strongly recommend anyone...
From: "Crustee Da Clown" (***@hotmail.com)
Subject: i love duke ferris
I am in love with Duke Ferris. I think he is the sexiest
man in the whole world. His knowledge of video games rivals
that of any other man. I also hear that he is an
internationally rated backgammon player. Please send me
a lock of his hair or an undergarment. In return I will
serve as the game revolution love slave for many months.
-crustina the clown
Dear Christina (if that is
your real name),
Monica, please leave Mr.
Ferris alone. He doesn't need a new intern.
Duke, shall I release the
P.S. A lock of his hair?
Are you mad? The man would freeze to death. Duke is not only the President
of GR, he's also a client,
if you know what I mean.
GR vs. The Clan
From: "???" (***@kscable.com)
Subject: Counterstrike Clan Sponsor
What do you guys think of being a sponsor for a Halflife:
Counterstrike clan? We've been trying to get our own
server for weeks and we havent been able to get one, just
thought I might ask you guys.
Dear Unknown Writer,
Sorry, too many ethnic groups
are represented at GR. We can't afford to get involved with clans.
Besides, we're all drunks here. You don't want us for a sponsor.
We're # 1!
From: "Andy Everson" (***@ricelake.k12.wi.us)
Subject: Hats and Shirts
Hey, when are you guys gonna make some GR hats, shirts,
and other paraphernalia? I have really enjoyed you're site
for three years now, and want to show everyone that I'm so
fixated on which company I like that I pay the company to
advertise its products. Just kidding, by the way. But
seriously, let me know when I can order some of that
crap from you.
Thanx in advance,
We agree - it would be great
to have our readers roaming the streets as walking ad campaigns, shamelessly
plugging the mighty
But we don't want to crank
out the same old tired merchandise you find everywhere (shirts, hats,
pens, etc.). We are trying to think a little outside the box here.
And if you're extra special
good, we might even send you one
of these, provided we find another willing donor.
Remember who loves yah, baby.
Mom, You're Fired!
From: "Brad" (***@yahoo.com)
Subject: I dont know what to do.
My retarted mom spilt windex on my playstation 2 and put
scratches and stained it on acciednt. Do you know where I
can refund it or trade it in for a new one. I need help.
Sure! Just send your Mom
back to Best Buy. Make sure you have your original receipt, box and
However, if you thought you
were gonna save some money and went out and got one of those import
dealies, then you might be a victim of Mom mail-order fraud. Those guys
are probably halfway to Singapore by now.
It Just Doesn't Compare!
From: Jesse Dolman (***@planet.nl)
Subject: Tomb Raider better than Mario 64? pah!
I was surfin' around in game-revolution, and what did I read?
Tomb Raider 1 get's an A in the reviews? Damn that, and it's
better than SuperMario64???????? Hahaha, that's the most idiot
crap I ever heard! 'Nintendo could learn a thing or 20 from these
guys' Jamie Cope ( The reviewer ) said. I think Eidos sucks!
Nintendo rulez. And what did I read more? 'It looks very good',
If that is good, than I am James Hetfield!!! And the gameplay
is good ya say??? Gameplay is crap! Ya can only move up,
backwards, left and right! If ya wan't to walk to another
direction, ya must first go forward, than right! And Banjo-Tooie
get's a B+? Lower than TR? Banjo-Tooie is WAY BETTER than
Tomb Raider. Do you guys think Eidos is better than Rare?
RARE RULEZ! Rare is the king of Gamecompany's along with Nintendo!
If you think Eidos is better than Rare or Nintendo, YOU SUCK!
Well, do you get my point by now? TombRaider sucks! Rare is king!!!
Ok, here we go. It seems
every week we get a letter or 10 that makes some outlandish comparisons
between GR reviews, leading them to believe that we smoke crack.
This week's winner is Banjo-Tooie
vs. the first Tomb
Raider. Eidos vs. Rare.
For starters, Game Revolution
reviews games when they come out. We reviewed the original Tomb Raider
in 1996. Back then, it was a revolutionary achievement, a masterpiece
that spawned a brand new genre of gaming. It got an "A" because
it was an "A" title back when it was reviewed.
Banjo-Tooie came out 4 years
later, and our B+ review was in comparison to simiiar games for the
We often speak about the
dangers of bias when you run a gaming magazine. It's important to take
an objective stance on gaming companies. Just because a company has
a positive/negative history doesn't mean that their next game is doomed
from the start or awesome before it ships.
It's painfully obvious that
this reader is a die-hard Rare fan and doesn't like Tomb Raider, thus
leading to a fairly irrational hatred of all things Eidos. (Nevermind
the fact that Eidos is a game publisher, and that Rare is a developer,
and that's there's a big difference, or that Eidos is also responsible
for such beauties as Deus Ex or Commandos, or...oh, why bother.)
And comparing a game like
Banjo Tooie to a game like Tomb Raider is simply unfair to both games,
since they don't really try to do the same thing. We get this kind of
thing quite often - "How could you give Resident Evil an A but
give Red Alert 2 a B+! You guys suck!" Yeah, well at least we understand
the differences between gaming genres, and at least we don't compare
apples and oranges.
Because as we all know, oranges
are way better! Apples suck! Go Florida!