GR Mailbag: The Pen is Mightier Than the Controller

From: BuRnOuT (***@aol.com)
Subject: hi shawn
I love the site and all, but why give ZOE a B-?? I thought 
it was one of the best games of all time. the difficulty 
WILL get higher if you pump up the difficulty level, buddy. 
well just give me more reasons why this game isnt at least 
B+ potential thanx bye

Our reasons for giving the game a B- are nicely chronicled in the review. That's, uh, why we wrote a review.

But to sum up why it didn't get at least a B+...

Not enough enemy types. Story is lame. No replay value. No customization. Weak character design. Seriously, the main character looks like one of the supposed humans from the Pokemon show. Am I a badass mech pilot or am I trying to Catch 'Em All?

-GR

From: "Ben Griffey" (***@hotmail.com)
Subject: stop sending mail
u better stop sending junk mail or come kiss the rock's ass 

Look, "Ben Griffey"...or, should we say, "Duane Johnson", we know you're upset after losing the belt to out-of-shape Mick Foley. But is that any reason to get all vulgar and profane?

I mean, we smell what you're cooking, but we don't think that threatening a group of Doritos-munching gaming geeks is gonna do much in the way of impressing your peers.

You don't need to take out your anger on us just because you got sand in your eye from working on The Mummy Returns. Next time Duane, Know Your Role!

-GR

From: "Tecno Beer" (***@hotmail.com)
Subject: Halo and MGS2 Demo
Is Halo still coming out for the PC? Do you know the 
release date? Although I havn't played it myself, a friend 
informs me that the woman from the playable Metal Gear 
Solid 2 demo has hairy armpits. That sounds pretty nasty. 
Please tell Hideo Kojima to cut this out of the final 
American version of MGS2, assuming it's true. That type 
of crap might fly over in Japan or France but not over here.

- Is Halo still coming out for the PC?

Yep. At least they haven't officially canned it yet.

- Do you know the release date?

Yeah right. Bungie doesn't even know the release date.

And there's nothing wrong with hairy armpits, dude. Believe it or not, everyone has hairy armpits, even beautiful women. See, they shave it. And who knows? One day you'll be old enough to shave. Maybe.

-GR

From: "Eric K." (***@shol.com)
Subject: what up bitches
hey, just curious.... did any game for any platform 
every get an A+ from you guys? If you had amniesia, 
and collected some kind of disablility, how would you 
remeber to pick up your check???
Later,
Kronos

Nope, no A+ yet. We haven't played a flawless game, though Spice World came close by getting an S.

Your riddle is almost a good one, grasshopper, but you forget about a little thing called the MAIL.

-GR

From: HoCkEyMuNkEE (***@aol.com)
Subject: INDREMA/XBOX
HEY GUYS I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS COMPARING INDREMA TO X-BOX. 
HERE ARE THE SPECS GIVIN FOR BOTH SYSTEMS IN A MAGAZINE 
I HAVE: 
INDREMA XBOX 
750 MHZ CPU 733 MHZ CPU 
300 MHZ GPU 300 MHZ GPU 
96MBS OF TOTAL MEMORY 64MBS OF TOTAL MEMORY 
4X DVD DRIVE 5X DVD DRIVE 
10 GIG HARD DRIVE 8 GIG HARD DRIVE 
FUNCTIONS FUNCTIONS: 
PROGRESSIVE SCAN DVD DVD MOVIE PLAYBACK 
BROADBAND CONNECTIVITY BROAD-BAND READY 
HDTV SUPPORT LIMITED HDTV SUPPORT 
PERSONAL TV (LIKE TIVO) 
BROWSER 
MPEG ENCODER/DECODER 
NOW I KNOW U KNOW ABOUT THE XBOX SPECS BUT WITH INDREMA SLATED 
TO RELEASE THIS SUMMER, OR SO THIS MAGAZINE SAID, I HAVE NOT 
FOUND ANY INFO ON THE SYSTEM AT YOUR SITE AND SINCE U GUYS ARE 
ALWAYS THE BEST PLACE TO COME FOR INFO I WAS WONDERING WHY DONT 
U HAVE ANY ON THIS SYSTEM?

Hello Mr Munkee,

Gazing into our mystical inflatable Kirby ball, GR long ago predicted that Indrema would never see the light of day. And much to the delight of our already overblown egos, we were right!

Indeed, the Linux system is no more, and we can't help but say we told you so! Er, not that we really told anybody anything. Okay fine, so we didn't tell you so.

Still, it pains us to think about all those unhappy Linux faces. Okay fine, maybe "pains" isn't the right word. Change that to "makes us laugh hysterically."

Is anyone actually surprised? The guys producing the thing had very little money, very few resources and nearly no big developers lined up. I mean, the machine was slated to only run Linux games. Um, huh?

We have nothing against Linux users, but we just thought it kind of funny that anyone expected this machine to come to fruition.

Ah heck, read the whole sordid disgusting tale. And remember that though we didn't tell you so, we didn't buy into the hype, either.

-GR