GR Mailbag: Postage Is For Newbies

From: "***@aol.com"

Subject: Question
Lets say for a second that one of the reviewers were 
being stalked (Hypothetically, or course) how would 
they defend themselves? Do they know karate, carry 
pepper spray or what?

Dear Concerned Reader,

That's a very good question, as GR reviewers are often the subject of stalkers. Especially poor Baldric.

But Karate? No, no - too much work with the kicking and the chopping and flipping and the ear-piercing "Hiyas!" Ugh, how annoying!

We consider bribery our first line of defense. And if that doesn't work, we could always call our friends from Shaolin Temple.

If all else fails, we could just sic our faithful beast on 'em.

- GR

From: "Greg McGraw" 
Subject: what the hell do you guys do over there?
I have noticed how your mailbag, while it is supposed to 
be updated on monday, is often not updated until tuesday. 
And I've noticed that the page updates usually aren't made 
until about three o'clock PST. What are you guys doing over 
there thats so damn important you can't update until three 
o'clock?
I know what you wanna say, too. "Oh, it's such hard work 
being a game reviewer. It's just work work work work work."
Suuuuuurre. We all know you're just sitting there, playing 
games and drinking Mountain Dew and eating Doritos, and 
living it up on your salaries that you pool together in 
order to afford junk food. And unlike most of us, YOUR 
crappy video games are sent to you for free

Hey Greg

You seem to know a lot about us, Mr. Smarty Pants. But for your information, the proper art of Doritos and Mountain Dew consumption takes years of cultivation and commitment. The angle of the chip and the cheese powder density can take an hour to figure out.

Remember Side/Angle/Side (SAS) from your 10th grade Geometry class? No? Well that's why we're the editors here.

Isosceles Dorito chips are very rare and require special atttention. But you wouldn't know that, would you? You probably just thrust them into your mouth without a second thought. These computations require patience and concentration. You just can't rush something this good.

So you see, things take time. We begin the updates after Counter-Strike, Doritos, Mountain Dew, this month's swimsuit models, kung-fu hour, nap time, Nerf hoop play time and lunch. A few uploads, then it's recreational break time where we lounge around playing those crappy games we didn't have to pay for.

-GR

P.S. We were lying about the Nerf hoop.

From: Mac
Subject: hi

i was just curious. whats the company car if you guys have one ? 
lol just curious. 
thanks, 
Mac 

Mac,

You haven't seen the GR company car? We're the envy of every editor when we pull up at a press event in this fine chariot. Often we can look out the window of the heavily fortified GR palace and spy guys sitting on it or standing near it in hopes that some young damsel will think that it's their's.

It does have one or two small scratches, but they're barely noticeable.

- GR

From: "****@worldnet.att.net"
Subject: Gamerevolution
GameRevolution.com! You guys give the worst opinions and reviews.
You review the worst PC hardware in the world AND STILL people visit
your site! IGN is a much better site! GameRevolution! It should be
GayRevolution!
-Dalton Huynh

Hey Dalton,

Apparently, a brand new Geforce 3 card is one the worst pieces of PC hardware in the world. Who knew? Either this guy has not seen the Intensor gaming chair or he knows something we don't.

You're right! IGN is a much better site than ours...for DVDs, those much needed WWF news breaks, anime, who died in Hollywood today, and of course, soft core porn.

That's why we don't directly compete with IGN. They do their thing and we write informative, funny and insightful reviews.

- GR

P.S. Hmmm...oddly enough, Gayrevolution.com is available...

From: "Aaron"
Subject: viruses
hey I was wondering since people can give you viruses 
on your pc, and the new consoles that are coming out
are going to have internet availability or will have 
in the future. then can your console get a virus and 
screw the thing up or will they have anti-viruses be 
built in,or can this even happen or will it be come a 
problem
thanks aaron

Greetings Aaron,

Good question! You guys are really gettting the hang of this.

True, in the near future home consoles will have significant online components. However, this fact alone doesn't really make them a viable target for viruses.

Most viruses use your e-mail as a vehicle into your hard drive. They come packed as attachments, then some dummy decides to open up "FReeSex.gif.pdf.exe" and whammo! - some wicked trojan/worm rewrites your .bat files, sends itself to your 'Buddy' list and all hell breaks loose.

Also, most viruses are programmed to attack specific things in specific operating softwares. As of yet there has been no word about e-mail playing any part in the operation of the new Interent-ambitious consoles systems. So the possibility of viruses plaguing our favorite nerdy pasttime is very slim.

Theoretically, in the future you could have an Xbox email account that allows you to download attachments, and that would increase the likelihood of possibly receiving a virus. But remember there would have to be some a**hole who decides to take the time to program such a virus to attack your particular console.

Possible, but doubtful.

-GR