GR Mailbag: Putting The Ail In Mail!

From: "Mr T"

Hi Mr. T,

Look, you might have been great at pitying fools and helping kids in the 80's, but these days it's a little hard to take your advice seriously, especially after we heard your theme song.

Could you go on Celebrity Boxing and beat the crap out of Emmanuel Lewis or something? Anything to gain back some of that respect, yo. And while you're at it, please explain what the hell you're talking about here.

- GR

From: *********@aol.com
Subject: the resident evil movie!


Dear Gr,

Unboubtably by now u have seen the resident evil movie. 
And it is by far the best game to movie ever! the movie 
was a million times scarier than the game will ever be 
and i cant wait to buy that sh*t on DVD, hey that rhymes. 
Anyway this question is for zombie duke. Zombie duke, 
did u think that the portrial in this film was an 
accurate assesment of zombies. Also send out the message 
that the movie, contrary to some belifes, DID NOT SUCK! 
Every gamer should know that after such crap video game 
based movies like tron, or the last star fighter theres 
is a good video game movie!

Sincerly,
 
Jeff

Hi Jeff,

While our zombie friends once again stole the show with their formidable acting talents, I feel that the movie did little to move them out of their standard, typecast roles. Why must zombies always be portrayed as second-class citizens just waiting to be shot? Where are the zombie doctors? Why don't they show our heroic zombie firefighters?

And I must disagree with you about the classic movie Tron. Besides, it's not really a fair comparison. Like The Last Starfighter, The Wizard and Wargames, Tron was a movie that had video games as a central theme. Tron was the inspiration for two fine arcade games, and not the other way around.

Now movies based on video games, that's a whole different story. From the terrifyingly bad Tomb Raider to the terminally putrid Street Fighter Movie, these flicks have been harmful to all of human society. Wing Commander, Mortal Kombat, Double Dragon... the list goes on and on. Just let your friends know that no matter how bad they think the Resident Evil movie might be, it's much, much better than Super Mario Bros. The Movie.

- Zombie Duke

From: "SHARIEF" 
Subject: what's the enemy of the xbox?

hai, i just wanted ti ask who the enemy of the xbox is?
i you know that could you send my a email to *********@hotmail.com , 
please ? thanks

Hi Sharief,

There is only one enemy, dear reader...

Belgium.

It's been a while since those darn Belgians have acted up, but don't think for one minute that they're not up to something evil. Them and their pesky waffles and chocolate!

Consider this fact: the Belgians use monks to make beer! Yep! Real monks, making real (good) beer! Why would they enlist the aid of holy men to make potent libations? Simple - to brainwash the masses in an attempt to finally take over the GR compound. They've been pissy ever since we beat their prime minister in Worms Armageddon.

What was the question again?

-GR

From: "James Courtney" 
Subject: happy birthday to me

Tomorrow is my birthday but if this gets posted then 
the word tomorrow in it wont be right, because my 
birthday is monday and it said tomorrow so everyone 
would think like my birthday was the day after they 
read it so like on friday they would think my 
birthday was saturday but it would really be on 
last monday. Happy birthday to me. Do zombies have 
birthdays? I know HTML, VB6, javascript, and Latin.

Dear James,

Happy Birthday! Zombies don't have birthdays, silly. They have deathdays! They celebrate the day they passed on to the other side. But instead of eating cake, they eat brains. Instead of candles, they put little brains in their brain cake. Then they give each other brains as presents, play pin-the-tail-on-the-brains and everyone goes home with a gift bag filled with brains. And dirt.

Pax vobiscum,
GR

From: "Kyle Woolsey"  
Subject: CStrike Upgrade

Hello GR
I have been coming to this site for a damn long time 
but have never felt the need to write to you. Well my 
friends those days have come to an end. Maybe it's 
just the drugs and alcohol talking; who knows? 
Anyways, my comment is about the new CS 3.0 Realism 
Update. And my comments are mainly directed towards 
those of you who have given up on CS or think it's 
crappy. This update kicks some serious goat anus! 
The sounds, player models, weapon models, 
EVERYTHING KICKS GOAT ANUS! It's a whole new style 
for CS with the same goat anus kicking gameplay. 
If you have a fast computer, download this upgrade! 
It rules! And kicks huge goat anus all the way from 
Bangladesh to Cuba. Am I the only one who thinks so?

Hi Kyle,

We totally agree, except for the whole goat anus thing, and for that we advise getting some counseling or buying a dictionary. But anyway, yeah the Realism Patch for CS is outstanding and adds tons of life to the game. For those of you who have yet to check it out, stop reading and start surfing to the GR download page.

-GR