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DAILY MANIFESTO

GR Mailbag: Reading Your Letters To The Whole

Posted on Monday, June 4 @ 12:13:14 Eastern by Duke_Ferris
You Have Offended The Shaolin Temple!
From: "Captain Whap-Caplit" (***@hotmail.com) 
Subject: Battle of the Bruces
Who would win in a fight: Bruce Lee, Bruce Willis, or Bruce Campbell? It's a tough call, so I thought I'd ask some experts. Anyone who runs a kick-ass site like yours should be able to help me out here. keep on rocking
Dear Captain,

First off, you drink too much.

Secondly, Bruce Lee would make Hollywood mince-meat out the other two. And it's not because he knows martial arts. It's because he knows martial arts, and he's dead!

Sure, zombie hunter Bruce Campbell has a chainsaw for a hand. But even a chainsaw is no match for a muscle-bound, double nunchuck wielding Zombie Bruce Lee. He'll butterfly kick the brain right out of Campbell's head and then EAT IT.

I suppose Willis does have that little snot-nosed sidekick who can see dead people. But I don't remember hearing the kid say "I see dead people, and I can kick their dead ass." Especially not if the dead guy is Bruce Lee.

Besides, if this guy couldn't beat him, how could anyone?

-GR

The Website Formerly Known As...
From: "Cornchip" (***@aol.com)
Subject: (no subject)
what is your website again I forgot sorry.
Hey Cornchip,

Our website is right here. Whew, thank god we told you or you'd never find it!

And remember, if you ever forget again, just go here. We promise after that you'll never forget about Game Revolution again.

-GR

That'sa Spicy E-mail!
From: "Eli" (***@hotmail.com)
Subject: Mario Party 3
Hi. I just read the Maio Party 3 review and I have to ask why the 
hell did you have Dr Moo review it? He already slandered the 
previous two games. One thing that has irritated me about all 
three reviews is that Dr, Moo incessantly bitches about how the 
games are based on luck. Has he ever played a real board game?! 
They're all based on the luck of the dice! So if you make a video 
board game, OF COURSE it will based on the luck of the dice! 
Shawn Sparks, who reviewed the Mario Party ripoff "Sonic Shuffle," 
realized this concept of luck, and barely mentioned it as a problem 
in his review. Dr. Moo, however, makes it seem as though you will 
be screaming and crying and having endless temper tantrums of 
frustration because, oh no!, the game relies on luck! 
Sincerely, Eli
Hey there Eli Gaming Buddy!

It's-a me, Maaaaarrrrrrrio! My gaming buddies at-a Game Revolution passed this here e-mail on-a to me, so's I could answer this-a one myself.

Yeah! Whatsamatta with dat Dr. Moo? What a stupid name! It's-a no good name like Waluigi!

I dunno if he ever played a board-a game before, but I think-a he did. See, he just-a says that my party game doesn't give-a you enough of a reward for being skillfull. That's-a all he's a saying about-a the luck. I think-a maybe he don't got no good luck, so he gets-a mad at-a my party game.

You don't a worry about it...I'll take care of this-a so-called 'Doctor.' Maybe I'll make-a him some swallow some "happy pills." Kapish?

Love,

Mario

Sibling Slackery!
From: "Vaibhav Roy" (***@msn.com)
Subject: Stupid Moocher Brothers
What's the difference between a game that cost me 40.00$ and 
a game that lies at the bottom of the clearance bin at k mart? 
Hmm... My brother sure as hell didn't know when he traded SF2 
for a burnt copy of Covert Ops. I don't know how to get him 
back besides scalping him with it. Also, this isn't the only 
time it's happened; he once sold my Redneck Rampage for a 
soft porn game called Strip Poker. He's a thirty year old 
bohemian that lives in his parent's basement worshiping a 
derogative poster. I don't care about the game swapping, 
but my god his taste in porn games are awful. GR I'm a 
sixteen year old girl who is an avid game lover, but is 
suffering from a tyrant of a richard brother. He also pawned 
Um Jammy Lammy for hashish, and that was a game rental. What 
should I do besides stabbing him in the eye with a fork?
Thanks for taking the time in answering or criticizing, 
because I know many other loyal gamers out there have had 
similar experiences.
Hi Vaibhav,

Goodness! Your brother sounds like quite the moron. Uh, no offense.

It's a good thing "stupid" isn't hereditary...but we think you should beat him at his own game. Stabbing him in the eye with a fork, while certainly disgusting, will only serve to upset him. Instead, we suggest selling some of HIS stuff in retaliation.

For instance, you march right down to your brother's basement apartment, sneak in when he's out doing something sketchy, grab his clothes and sell them back to the Salvation Army. Then take the money and buy a broken 8 track player or something. He'll love you for it!

Or if you really want to get his goat, try an anonymous phone call to the cops describing a "creepy guy" who lives in the basement and is hoarding hashish. After a few years of lock-up, I'm sure your brother will forgive you - and forgiveness is what it's ALL about.

-GR

An Advanced Explanation
From: "George Zatezalo" (***@hotmail.com)
Subject: Game Boy Advance
Just a quick question: Will GR review Game Boy Advance games? 
It's a 32-bit system, you know.
Hi George,

The final verdict came down a few weeks ago -GR will NOT be reviewing Gameboy Advance games.

Okay, okay, keep it down. We know - we suck, we're lame, how can we do this, blah, blah, blah. Allow us to explain.

Though we consider ourselves well-versed in console and PC gaming, our area of expertise simply does not include the handheld arena. Frankly, no one in the GR office has spent much time at all with a Gameboy. Are we on crack? Guess so.

For those that don't know, Game Revolution operates under a skeletal crew. As an independently owned and operated site, we simply don't have the burly corporate backing to hire a big staff. The flipside is that we can better maintain our integrity without fear of repercussion from guys in suits who hold our work contracts over our heads all day long.

What this all means is that we're not really equipped to take on yet another console. We have prepared ourselves to deal with the coming crush of the Gamecube and Xbox in November, which is where we choose to focus our next-generation efforts.

So succinctly put, we're just gonna pass on reviewing the Gameboy Advance, as we passed on the Gameboy. Why stray from tradition?

But cheaters, never fear - we are certainly planning to include the GBA in our extensive code section after the system ships on June 11.

In the meantime, we'll be crossing our fingers, lighting some incense and saying a few prayers that you won't pay the school bully a couple Twinkies to beat the tar out of us :)

-GR

Tags:   gr mailbag


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