GR Mailbag: Return To Sender

From: Daniel clausen

Subject: Why?
Why the hex did u give urban chaos a c???!I know it's 
a old game but it rules!you guys Give all the good games 
c's d's and f's www.Gamewinners.com is way better than 
you guys! I don't know what rating they gave it but it's 
probley better than yours!

Dear Daniel,

First off, we gave Urban Chaos a C because we were being NICE. It's barely that good.

While we appreciate Gamewinners as well, we're a little confused. As far as we can tell, they just do codes. Here's a quote from their main page:

"You won't find our efforts diluted by in-house reviews, previews, or editorials."

Just a guess here, but that's probably why you don't know what rating they gave the game.

- GR

From: "ben norman" 
Subject: links
Dear game revolution,
While searching through my daily check of updates on 
your site, i suddenyl noticed that i never have clicked 
on any of your links like the ones in bloody roar 3. 
I was very amused by them but then a thought came to 
me.....where the heck do u get all those weird pictures 
on your site from. Do u have some kind of zoo in your 
offices keeping trained animals? Please write back
Sincerely,
Ben norman
warmin****@hotmail.com

Dear Ben,

A GR Zoo? Heck no. That would be horribly unfair to the animals, as they'd have to suffer through the fumes of open cans of Mountain Dew, slip on empty bags of Doritos and sleep through late-night GR opium parties.

But we do have a new testing lab where we ethically experiment with new, deadly attack beasties. Pssst....DON'T TELL BELGIUM.

-GR

From: PJ Hendee 
Subject: How come you didnt have those adventures?

Ok, i was reading the "badcandy.com" website and i hit 
this link about there trip to E3. I easily lost myself 
in their adventure through E3 and after about an hour, 
i was like, how come GR didnt have that cool of a time 
as those BadCandy people? How come a video game site 
didnt have as good of a time at E3 than a bad candy 
reviewing site? And WHY THE HELL DO GAME CREATORS NOT 
MAKE GAMES FOR THE MAC?????
-MacUser Paul

Hey PJ,

The BadCandy guys review candy. E3 is filled with games. So when they go to E3 (wait...how did they get in?), they can just wander around chatting up booth babes, poking fun at geekier geeks and spending inordinate amounts of time trying to score tickets to the various shindigs. Maybe they threatened Sony with some Happy Plums.

We don't have the luxury to just meander around looking for wacky adventures, since we actually have to come back and report on all the crap we had to stare at. We don't think it would be very interesting reading about Ben's adventure's at E3, for instance, unless you're fascinated by massive scheduling conflicts, cramped meeting rooms, wickedly overpriced cheeseburgers and gin-inspired hangovers.

- GR

From: "Robin Jyson"
I know 20 people who have tried to get themselves into the 
infamous Game-revolution mailbag - but they never succeeded. 
Like what proportion of your incoming mail do you put in. 
Do the mails have to match some specific criteria, do u pick 
them at random, are you just god Damn Lazy and do't read 
them all. What do we people have to do to get our mails 
published. I would now like to say that we wont participate 
in sexual favours withthe GR crew unless you have beautiful 
ladies among you.
An Angry Customer/reader whatever

Hey Robin,

"What do we have to do to get our mails published?" you ask? Just follow these 4 simple steps:

1. Come up with a brilliant question/comment/concern/theory.
2. Discredit said theory by misspelling every other word.
3. Tell us how our Final Fantasy 7 review "blows (insert body part here)."
4. Send us a picture like this one.

- GR

P.S.

5. Good old fashioned luck. And bribes.

Hello GR,
A while ago (maybe a year ago), I typed in 
www.gamerevolution.com, by mistake, missing out the "-". 
But as soon as I realised by error, about a thousand porn 
sites started to pop up at the same time. I have no prob 
with internet porn as me and my dad ussually engage in 
looking up young teens (sssh! My mum doesnt know!!). But 
unfortunately my strict mother was in the living room at 
the same time (comps in livin room). Unfortunately after 
she spotted me she put me through 3 months of back breaking 
labour, and I don't have my squeaky clean image any more. 
I want compensation from game-revolution (I know its a bit 
late), for this, as last week I typed in www.gamerevolution.com,
but there was no porn so I assume, the above server was 
always yours but you had engaged in dealing porn over the 
net, instead of providing strict unbiased gaming news and 
reviews. I await your reply and compensation for my "lost 
squeaky clean identity".
Yours truly
An angry customer
Leeroy Jayson

Hi Leeroy,

Actually, you didn't type in gamerevolution.com, because as far as we know that's never been a porn site (unless you consider nude baby pictures of Duke pornography). But gamesrevolution.com, on the very dirty other hand, is an entirely different sort of beast. We didn't link that up because we love our readers. It's awful pop-up hell, and there's just nothing we can do about it.

That's a sad truth about the Internet: the very freedom that makes it such a valuable resource also makes it a prime target for smarmy, money grubbing buttheads. In addition to driving you guys nuts because - God forbid - you misspelled a word, these claim jumpers only serve to propagate the theory that the Internet is filled with incompetent swindlers who try to make a living off your mistakes.

We take issue with that. We're not incompetent!

-GR