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Welcome Back to the West
By oneshotstop
Posted on 08/01/16
The only thing that stops the dust is the rain. It’s a sweet reprieve, but there is no middle ground. The land is either as dry as the Betty Ford clinic, or as wet as the ocean floor. Everything can be seen from the ridge overlooking Armadillo as John Marston gently bounces along atop...


GR Mailbag: Scratching That Monday 'Mail' Itch!

Posted on Monday, October 15 @ 12:13:14 PST by Duke_Ferris
Cloning, New Processors & Circumcision.
From: "Scott Pensyl"
Subject: The many fake Bar Mitzvahs
I sincerely hope that, noted in last week's 
mailbag, that Duke doesn't adhere to the full idea of the 
Bar Mitzvah. I mean... that'd be a little painful, don'tcha 
think? You know what they do at Bar Mitzvahs. That'd require 
alot of reconstructive surgery.I know I'm being vague, but 
that's only because I'm not fully aware of what is acceptable 
to post in this public display of humorously charged mail-
bagging-goodness.  Oh, on a side note: I love this site. 
I wish to somehow artificially create it's children in a 
petree dish so there could be a whole family of GR sites that 
would eventually grow large enough to reach out and crush every 
misleading, uninformative, bland, and often bribed game review 
magazine in the planet.  It is a far fetched dream, I know... 
but.... I can still pray, right?
A faithful reader type.
P.S. Any opinions on the AMD XP processor?

Yo Scott,

You may want to look up Bar Mitzvah in the dictionary. Surgery has nothing to do with the ceremony or event. Not many 13 year old boys living in the West are subject to the, ahem, "snipping" of their little "fireman." True, some cultures' men (like the Massai) are put under the knife when they are between 12 and 16 years of age, as part of their rite of passage.

But Duke doesn't live in Kenya. He lives in New York.

And by the way, we all already live in a petri dish. We're actually the first clones ever, before they worked out the bugs. And would you believe we still don't have a union?

- GR

P. S. Our opinion on the new AMD XP processor is that they should send us all one each.

A Little Q & A.
From: "***"
Subject: Thank you It's hard for me to say this so, I'll just say it. I think you guys are brilliant. I've been visiting this site twice or thrice a week and it just keeps getting better. More funnier, more cooler, more revolutionary. I developed a D and MD habit because of your wonderful site (That's Doritos and Mountain Dew). I do have a few questions though, if the kings of game reviewing don't mind. Have you ever tried Hot Pockets? Beef & Cheddar or Pepperoni? Are there or have there ever been any females at GR? If so, and they're relatively hot, may I have their phone numbers? Does PSO absolutely suck offline? If Superman is from Krypton, why is Kryptonite his biggest weakness? Will you ever give an A to a game? (YOU HIGH-STANDARD BASTARDS!) Are your mothers aware of your addictions to Mountain Dew and Doritos? Ok, no more questions (although I know you're dying to answer them) I think people are robots (Sorry, ever since I saw Fight Club, I think most people are robots).

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

We are sad to hear of your new addiction, as we too have fallen slave to the artificially flavored tortilla devil and her temptuous golden cheesy goodness.

Unfortunately, there is no cure. You're hooked for life. Just don't start stealing and robbing people to support your trendy Dorito habit.

But while we can't help with your addiction, we can answer your questions.

1. Have you ever tried Hot Pockets?

Community Editor Brian Gee is our resident Hot Pocket expert. Unfortunately, Brian is unavailable for comment. He went into the bathroom on Friday and we have not seen him since.

2. Are there or have there ever been any females at GR?

Once, long ago, a woman made it into the office. But this was before we had all the hi-tech security systems installed. I'd like to see a skirt get through now that we have our Anti-Women Security Task Force on the case.

Interested in becoming a member of our crack squad? Just click this link. Once we have received your application, we will promptly send you your very own membership T-shirt.

3. Does PSO absolutely suck offline?

3. Not entirely. Unless, of course, you give it these.

4. If Superman is from Krypton, why is Kryptonite his biggest weakness?

Because it reminds him of those painful family holidays when all the Els would come together and get hooched off their super asses and start revealing taudry family secrets.

We tried to come up with another solution, but it was getting too nerdy.

5. Will you ever give an A to a game?

Sure, we've given many As. The most recent was Black & White.

6. Are your mothers aware of your addictions to Mountain Dew and Doritos?

What did you say about my momma?

- GR

3 Is The Magic Number
From: "Juliet Daisley" 
Subject: scattered galitxy
how do i download. plz tell me 3 sentenses. k?

Hello Juliet,

You don't!

Now for those three sentences:

1. The Lord is my Shepard's Pie; I shall not want.

2. It was a dark and stormy night.

3. Is cereal still really considered cereal if you don't put milk in it?

- GR

Can't We All Just Get Along?
From: "Christian Gonzalez"
Subject: True Or False?

Hey guys, My friend says that Phantasy Star Online is gonna come out for the PS2. I don't know but i think he's Bullsh#$ing me. He also told me that Final Fantasy Tactics is being re-released....then i uppercutted and did a 50-hit combo on his ass and finished him off with a Kamehameha blast (yeah i know should've waited for the answer but what the hell!) thanx dark chris P.S Great website guys!

G'day Christian,

Ya know, violence never solves anything...and neither does excessive amounts of Dragonball Z. Please take your Ritalin.

We're not sure about PSO for the PS2, but we're sure that it's coming out for the GameCube.


We Hate Goodbyes.
From: "***"
Subject: Forgot one thing...
WHY???????????!!!!!!!!!!! (breathes) 
I heard Shenmue II was cancelled. How the hell did this happen? 
I know I don't sound like I care but, I almost bled tears when I 
found out. This is such bullsh!t. The game must have been 
like 87.43% finished, right? What up with that?

Dear Another Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

We feel your pain. It's like Sonic just took a big fat hedgehog dump on any current DC owner or enthusiast.

Yes, it's true folks. Shenmue II has been canceled for the Dreamcast in North America, though the game will still be released in Japan. Hope you have a good importer. And we're sure many of you would like 10 minutes alone with the Sega official who came up with that idea.

But for you non-DC owners who were interested in this sought after gem, you will find it soon on the Microsoft Xbox (can't wait to see the Microsoft hate mail from this one).

This mail entry is dedicated in loving memory to The Sega Dreamcast. She was a loving console and an incredible companion. R.I.P DC 1999-2001.

- GR

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