Update: I was unfortunately not aware of Shamus Young's severe criticism of Fallout 3 available here to link in the original piece and I regret that. It dovetails rather nicely with what I've written and it's much better executed than my piece. I strongly recommend anyone...
Subject: What's wrong with these people?
This has been bugging me for a long time, but an email I saw
in your recent mailbag made me want to
say something. Somebody going by the name of Cloud Strife sent an
email to you saying that Final Fantasy VII is the best game ever,
and he closed his message with "suck one gay faggot." Why is it
that the internet is so full of short-sighted, unintelligent
homophobes? And why can't they think of better insults? I love
seeing somebody in chatroom calling some slow-witted idiot a
"misanthropic, deplorable moron," instead of "fag." So, for
example, if I wanted to criticize you on your FFVII review,
I would call you something along the lines of "a bunch of
cretins who wouldn't know a good game if it bit you on the
ass," not that I would ever say something like that about
such highly-refined gaming connoisseurs as yourselves.
Hi Captain Whap-Caplit,
We absolutely agree. The
art of the insult seems to have been lost.
No one ever calls us "festering
piles of rhino spittle" or "insufferably obtuse rapscallions."
Instead, we're always labeled "poopy heads" with "no
penises." It's unfair.
C'mon people! We expect more
from our readers! What, are you just too stupid to come up with something
Getting pissed? Good! Then
tell us off...but you better make it eloquent. In fact, we're going
to send a prize to the winner of the BEST INSULT CONTEST!
That's right! Send
us your very best insult! Tell us what we are, what we aren't, and
what you think of us. We're looking for intelligent insults, not just
"you suck." We already know that. The winning entry
will be posted in next week's mailbag.
Just leave our moms out of
The Almighty Bleemcast!
From: "zig zac" (******@yahoo.com)
Subject: I Hate Bleemcast
I just wanna know if you guys at game-revolution
support the bleemcast, I think its againts the policy
of video-game. That means people who like to buy
playstation 2 would be decreased!! Why the goverment
is so unfair the Sony?
Hey Zig Zac,
What exactly is the "policy
of video-game"? To have fun and hopefully win, right?
Bleemcast allows you to play
original Playstation games on a Dreamcast, not PS2 games. If Bleemcast
is changing the minds of potential PS2 consumers, then they never really
wanted a PS2 to begin with.
Do we here at GR support
Bleemcast? Hmmm...let's see? Does a junkie support crack? Does a pervert
support porn? Does a tree make noise when it falls in the forest if
there's no one there to hear it? Wait, scratch that.
Sucking On All Fronts!
From: "Bill Crabb" (*****@ctnis.com)
Subject: THe Crow :(
I haven't had time for my fighting games lately. I have been in
rpg and third person shooters. I wanted a fighter I haven't had
one since mk4. I decided to see why everyone hated the crow so
much.I got it and I played it and I threw it out the window.
Who ever came up with making it a movie should be fired. The
idiot who made the sequel should be shot. And the crack smoking
Goth who made it a game should be crucified and given death by
10,000 stabs and drowning in a bath of rubbing alcohol. Thank
you for listening to my ramblings. I am in therapy but I don't
know if I will ever recover. Suicide
is looking better....
I see you share our thoughts.
The Crow comic book was the
first Crow anything (movie, game, etc.), and it wasn't that bad. However,
it had very little to do with fighting
or martial arts. It was about some pale-faced wimpy goth-boy who comes
back to life to avenge the deaths of he and his girlfriend.
As for your suggestions regarding
the demise of the development team behind the God-awful game, we have
some bad news. We tried. Lots of times. But every time we put one of
'em to death, he'd just rise back up from the dead again and make another
Maybe it's that damn mime
From: "Chester Jingles" (*****@hotmail.com)
Why is it that you guys never actually answer anyones
questions in their letters? Is it that you dont know the
answers? Are you just lazy? Or can't you reveal any top
secret info? You're plotting against us arent you. Us
being the world. Are you like the second breed of nazis
or sumthin? If so, whos the leader in your plan? Your
Hitler? I wont tell. If you spare me that is. I can be
useful. Ill be your love monkey if you want.
You go both ways, right? Well, thats all i needed to know.
What's up Chester,
What do you mean we don't
answer questions in the mailbag?
Boy Meets Girl: A Story of Self Reflection.
From: "Brian Crawford" (******@yahoo.com)
Subject: Subliminal Message for Duke
Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke
Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Ben Silverman is a girl Duke
Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Ben Silverman is a girl
Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke.
Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke
Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke We have been telling Ben that he is a girl
for AGES now Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke He wouldn't believe
us Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke So Duke got him pregnant
just to prove that it's true but he still won't believe us. Um,
Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke Duke.