DAILY MANIFESTO

GR Mailbag: Take That, Stupid Virus!

Posted on Monday, October 21 @ 16:00:00 Eastern by Duke_Ferris

After four months of e-mail virus terror, we finally figured out a way to stop the little virus bastards plaguing the GR mail server. We just hope it's okay to spray your hard drive with Raid.

To celebrate, we threw together a thrilling new mailbag! There was much rejoicing.

- GR

Don't Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head

From: "José" Luis Encorrada (*********@yahoo.com) Subject: hi how can i do to pass the red monster please help me

Hey Jose,

'Passing the red monster'...hmmm, that's a weird name for it. We prefer to call it 'Parking the Buick' or 'Dropping the kids off at the pool.' Oh well. Try this, or this, or this. If these don't work, then try this. We GUARANTEE success.

- GR

Does This Make Us An Accomplice?

From: *****@aol.com
Subject: nba 2k2 for the playstation 2 game console
i want that game but i don't want to pay alot of money for it
can you help?

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

Of course we can help, but we haven't been involved in a burglary attempt since that time we had to steal Bruce Willis' cat's water dish. So we're a little rusty.

We recommend playing a lot of Tenchu first to get you in the stealthy mood. Then, wait until nightfall, don your ninja suit and attack the darkness! After you have defeated the darkness, hop the bus and cruise over to Electronics Boutique or Gamestop or something. Maybe someone left the door open. Who knows? The life of a ninja is filled with mystery...

- GR

You Have Broken Us

From: *********@aol.com
Subject: make anther super smash bros for PS2
i like part 1 and 2 for both nontendo and put im diddy kong in it

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

Cannot respond...overload...overload...too many ways to make fun of you...brain exploding...WARNING.....WARNING.....systems shutting down....................

- GR

It's Called The Webernet!

From: ************@yahoo.co.uk
cheat = im am making a web and i would do advertising fo your web. If you
are interested to my proposel please reply

Hey Helpful Friend,

You're making a web? A WHOLE NEW WEB! Sweet! We're sick and tired of the web we're on, what with all the viruses and spam and porn.

Wait, the porn's fine. But the other stuff has got to go. Just tell us where to sign up for your new web and we're all over it.

- GR

P.S. Is your new web on AOL?

We Need Your Help

From: "Mrs. theresa Makagbo" (******@spinfinder.com)
Subject: An Urgent Plea For Help
Sir/Madam,
You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you do not know me personally. I am Mrs. Theresa Makagbo, the wife of Chief John Makagbo, who was recently murdered in the land dispute in Zimbabwe.
My late husband was among the few black Zimbabwean rich farmers murdered in cold blood by the agents of the ruling government of president Robert Mugabe for his alleged support and sympathy for the Zimbabwean opposition party controlled by the white minority.
Before his death he had taken to Dakar-Senegal and deposited the sum of US$13.5 Million (Thirteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) with a Security and Finance Company, sensing the looming danger in Zimbabwe.
My husband declared the money as classified documents to the Security Company. This was aimed at distracting the attention of government agents who would want to pry into such a huge amount of money. The land crisis that claimed my husband's life arose when President Mugabe introduced a new "land act” that wholly affected the rich white farmers, while very few blacks unanimously condemned the illegal policy adopted by the government. This resulted to rampant killing and maiming of unsuspecting white minority and their black counterpart by the war veterans and some political thugs.
Owing to this hostility, quite a number of white minority farmers and their black supporters have been gruesomely murdered. This incidence has recieved both local and international condemnation, especially from the western countries and yet the defiant President Mugabe is still less perturb and fully in control.
Subsequently, the South African Development Community (S.A.D.C) has continuously supported Mugabe's new land act. It is against this backdrop that my family who are currently forced into exile in various countries decided to transfer the money from its current location out of Africa.
Please sir, kindly be in contact with my son for proper briefing and understanding. He is currently seeking political asylum in the Netherlands. His name is Festus Makagbo and his phone number is +31-621-944-500 while his email address is festux@hotmail.com. Right now, I and my other two children are in a hideout in Dakar Senegal.
We are faced with the dilemma of investing this money in Africa as President Mugabe is bent on frustrating the minority farmers; hence I resolved to search for a reliable business oriented person who can help us invest these funds. My problem is compounded with the fact that I am incapacitated with President Mugabe's act of terrorism. For your assistance, we are offering you 20% of the total sum, 70% for my family while 10% is set out for any expenses we may incurs during the course of this transaction.
Finally, if my request is acceptable by you, please confirm your interest by responding swiftly.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Theresa Makagbo

Dear Mrs. Makagbo,

We feel terrible and would instantly help you in your plight, but we're a little confused. Please answer the following questions before we give you full access to our bank account.

1. What year did Darth Vader take over your country?

2. When you officially lost your mind, did it feel tingly?

3. Do you have a PS2? If so, does it totally kick ass?

4. When your husband was murdered, was he in the Dining Room? And was he killed by a candlestick? Wielded by a "Professor Plum?" HA! WE KNEW IT!

- GR

Tags: gr mailbag