Update: I was unfortunately not aware of Shamus Young's severe criticism of Fallout 3 available here to link in the original piece and I regret that. It dovetails rather nicely with what I've written and it's much better executed than my piece. I strongly recommend anyone...
After four months of e-mail
virus terror, we finally figured out a way to stop the little virus bastards
plaguing the GR mail server. We just hope it's okay to spray your hard
drive with Raid.
To celebrate, we threw together a thrilling new mailbag! There was much
Don't Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head
From: "José" Luis Encorrada (*********@yahoo.com)
how can i do to pass the red monster please help me
'Passing the red monster'...hmmm,
that's a weird name for it. We prefer to call it 'Parking the
Buick' or 'Dropping the kids off at the pool.' Oh well. Try this,
or this, or this.
If these don't work, then try this.
We GUARANTEE success.
Does This Make Us An Accomplice?
Subject: nba 2k2 for the playstation 2 game console
i want that game but i don't want to pay alot of money for it
can you help?
Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,
Of course we can help, but
we haven't been involved in a burglary attempt since that time we had
to steal Bruce Willis' cat's water dish. So we're a little rusty.
We recommend playing a lot of Tenchu
first to get you in the stealthy mood. Then, wait until nightfall, don
your ninja suit and attack the darkness! After you have defeated
the darkness, hop the bus and cruise over to Electronics Boutique or
Gamestop or something. Maybe someone left the door open. Who knows?
The life of a ninja is filled with mystery...
You Have Broken Us
Subject: make anther super smash bros for PS2
i like part 1 and 2 for both nontendo and put im diddy kong in it
Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,
Cannot respond...overload...overload...too many ways to make fun of
you...brain exploding...WARNING.....WARNING.....systems shutting down....................
It's Called The Webernet!
cheat = im am making a web and i would do advertising fo your web. If you
are interested to my proposel please reply
Hey Helpful Friend,
You're making a web? A WHOLE
NEW WEB! Sweet! We're
sick and tired of the web we're on, what with all the viruses and spam
Wait, the porn's fine. But
the other stuff has got to go. Just tell us where to sign up for your
new web and we're all over it.
P.S. Is your new web on AOL?
We Need Your Help
From: "Mrs. theresa Makagbo" (******@spinfinder.com)
Subject: An Urgent Plea For Help
You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you do not know
me personally. I am Mrs. Theresa Makagbo, the wife of Chief John Makagbo,
who was recently murdered in the land dispute in Zimbabwe.
My late husband was among the few black Zimbabwean rich farmers murdered in cold blood by the agents of the ruling government of president Robert Mugabe for his alleged support and sympathy for the Zimbabwean opposition party controlled by the white minority.
Before his death he had taken to Dakar-Senegal and deposited the sum of US$13.5 Million (Thirteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars)
with a Security and Finance Company, sensing the looming danger in Zimbabwe.
My husband declared the money as classified documents to the Security
Company. This was aimed at distracting the attention of government agents
who would want to pry into such a huge amount of money.
The land crisis that claimed my husband's life arose when President Mugabe
introduced a new "land act” that wholly affected the rich white farmers,
while very few blacks unanimously condemned the illegal policy adopted by
the government. This resulted to rampant killing and maiming of
unsuspecting white minority and their black counterpart by the war veterans
and some political thugs.
Owing to this hostility, quite a number of white minority farmers and their
black supporters have been gruesomely murdered. This incidence has recieved
both local and international condemnation, especially from the western
countries and yet the defiant President Mugabe is still less perturb and
fully in control.
Subsequently, the South African Development Community (S.A.D.C) has
continuously supported Mugabe's new land act. It is against this backdrop
that my family who are currently forced into exile in various countries
decided to transfer the money from its current location out of Africa.
Please sir, kindly be in contact with my son for proper briefing and
understanding. He is currently seeking political asylum in the Netherlands.
His name is Festus Makagbo and his phone number is +31-621-944-500 while
his email address is email@example.com. Right now, I and my other two
children are in a hideout in Dakar Senegal.
We are faced with the dilemma of investing this money in Africa as
President Mugabe is bent on frustrating the minority farmers; hence I
resolved to search for a reliable business oriented person who can help us
invest these funds. My problem is compounded with the fact that I am
incapacitated with President Mugabe's act of terrorism.
For your assistance, we are offering you 20% of the total sum, 70% for my
family while 10% is set out for any expenses we may incurs during the
course of this transaction.
Finally, if my request is acceptable by you, please confirm your interest
by responding swiftly.
Mrs. Theresa Makagbo
Dear Mrs. Makagbo,
We feel terrible and would instantly help you in your plight, but we're a little confused. Please answer the following questions before we give you full access to our bank account.
1. What year did Darth Vader take over your country?
2. When you officially lost your mind, did it feel tingly?
3. Do you have a PS2? If so, does it totally kick ass?
4. When your husband was murdered, was he in the Dining Room? And was he killed by a candlestick? Wielded by a "Professor Plum?" HA! WE KNEW IT!