GR Mailbag: The good kind of spam

From: "*********@acsglobal.net"
Subject: A new game will storm the market

ACS
Alternative Computer Solutions

28 June 2004

ACS would like to inform you of our game under development code named, [hidden_project]. [Hidden_project] is an intense game fully integrated with the game playing styles of strategy, RPG, and 1st person shooter along with an innovative console environment. [Hidden_project] does not just contain characteristics from each style, but fully integrates them with an intense storyline. We are taking this time to state our ideas and future plans. At this time we do not want to disclose details of the storyline.

All three styles of game play will flow seamlessly into one cohesive environment. The console environment is a separate identity that interacts with the game allowing control of the game in a complete text based manner. The feel of the console will be similar to a UNIX console, only the elite gurus will be able to master such method of playing.

As far as ACS understands, there is not a game currently under development similar to ours, however; because of the large amount of time it takes to develop such a game we would like to state that we are the first to make a commitment to such a game of integration. We are hoping for a playable demo within the next year and a half and a full release within 6 months of the demo.

If you have any questions or comments please email them to **********. Thank you for you time.

Sincerely,

Kevin Butler-Taylor

Dear Kevin Butler-Taylor,

[Hidden_project] is truly an undertaking of [size] proportions. It sounds like a [adjective] game and should change the face of [console_name] video gaming for [number] years to come. We are very [emotion] to hear that you cannot tell us the story line, but we understand that when you spend all day smoking [drug], it's hard to keep it all together. Good luck working on [Hidden_project] and be sure to call us when it's [state_of_existence].

[end_greeting],

-GR

From: ******@yahoo.com
Subject: THANKS!!!!!

I hate you, thanks for ruining my game forever. NOW ITS IN THE TRASH because of you
guys and the FREEALL cheat code. You may have warned us but you did not tell us the
game would have to be thrown away. Im never going back on your website again EVER.
And Im going to tell every singel one of my friends that has the game to never ever
go on this website or try the cheat code EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOURS TRULEY
MAD PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Mad Person,

You are correct: we did not tell you the game would have to be thrown away because you couldn't figure out how to undo a cheat. We also didn't tell you to send us 100 dollars cash, so go ahead and do that, too.

-GR

From: sean connolly (*********@yahoo.com)
Subject: none

any idea where i could get a donkey kong tie? you know,
the red tie with the DK on it. ive checked tie sites and ebay,
but no luck.

thanks
-sean!

You mean they didn't have one at Macy's?

Look, we know you think a DK tie is going to be really cool, but it isn't. It's geeky. Too geeky, really, unless you're a gorilla, in which case we'd like to meet you because you type well for a gorilla.

Seriously, get out while you can, because once you buy a DK tie, it's all over for you. Next thing you know, you'll look like this. Or maybe you'll go bigger and wind up like this. A DK Tie is a gateway drug, eventually leading to extended cosplay, which can have disastrous results.

Save yourself a great deal of time, money and embarrassment and get a fish tie instead.

-GR

From: *******@aol.com
Subject: Questions

OK I just have one thing to say. I think i play video games a lot, and I know for damn sure you guys play a hell of a lot more than me, and after awhile i get bored wit games that, for example, you have given an "A" or "B" rating. Games like GTA III and Vice City, Madden, Hitman, a few more, and even Halo.

So the way i find games much more entertaining, and other gamers I know as well, is to, uh, get high. So, i was wondering, since you all play video games as a career and play a lot of video games from start to finish, if you do the same, from time to time, just to make daily job that could get boring at times a little more intersting.

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

Do we get high? Of course! But we don't do it in the conventional way, mainly because we live in Berkeley and that's just way too obvious.

Instead, we smoke bananas.

-GR

From: Christopher Liow (********@yahoo.com)
Subject: (none)

Dear Sir,

Why I can't pass through the Kyd Club? I am in a dancer's body, pressed the directional key fast accordingly to the floor board arrow. They say I am too slow.

I tried many times and very fast but nothing happens. What should I do?

- Chris

Dear Chris,

Lay off the bananas.

-GR